AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

[Icecreamdreamer]

Were you afraid/fearful of your parents growing up in any way and do you think your children feel any of that towards you?

personally I did have a level of fear when my parents told me off/ shouted but I would hate to think my children would ever be afraid of me

edited to add- I don’t think children should ever fear their parents but I know some people who do still parent like this

I was afraid of my parents. I do not think my kids are afraid of me. I think this is generally a good thing - but I wouldn’t mind a bit of obedience sometimes….!

Yes you are being unreasonable children should Nrever be afraid of their parents. Ever

I don’t think fear is the right word. I respected my parents but I wasn’t afraid of them, even although I was spanked a few times ! (this was the eighties). I cared about what they thought, felt the weight of their disappointment if I did something wrong and knew there would be consequences for misbehaving but no I wasn’t afraid.
I think disappointment is more powerful actually. A bit of my dad’s frosty look and tone if I disappointed him was worse than anything!

I always say I parent with 98% love and 2% fear.

It was the way I was raised too. I don't have any bad memories of my childhood but I knew to behave and not disappoint my parents by doing anything they had already discussed with me that they deemed unacceptable.

With my DC atm, we are having issues with them not applying themselves at school to the best of their ability.
So we sat down, had a chat, made a new plan for how to deal with HW. The consequence is they've lost their gaming console for now.

They know what we deem to be appropriate and inappropriate behaviour and so far this works.

Ive never lost it with them, definitely never smacked them, everything is calmly discussed. But they know our boundaries and have often said theyve left certain situations because they knew we wouldn't be happy with it.

This. Especially when they're teenagers/young adults and make some major mistakes. They need to know they can come to you without fear or judgement

Of course they shouldn't. What a crazy question.

I agree.

I like to think I led by example with my kids though.

Exactly and people forget this. I was a little bit scared of my parents (some in this thread might call it "respect") and so I hid a lot of my life from them because I was scared they'd judge me or disapprove.

As a result, they really didn't know me at all and we werent close. So that clearly backfired didnt it?

Our dc have far more exposure to people and ideas that we cannot control, than we had, or our dps had.

Having and maintaining healthy lines of communication is absolutely vital these days. You can’t do that in a fear based relationship.

We have to supervise more closely, be more active as parents, and be their guides not their bosses, because the world has changed.

There's no such thing as healthy fear

I was shit scared of my parents

They would lash out (even if id done nothing wrong but,yet again,I was getting the blame for something I hadn't done)

However,I was brought up mainly by my grandad

I had zero fear of him but a lot of respect

If he was disappointed in me,the guilt would eaten me alive

One day,I was given some sweets by my aunt and didnt say thank you

He had a word in my ear and over 40 years later I still feel the shame (and never forget my manners to this day) of him having to say something to me and that id let him down

I was saying the other day at work (some teenagers had come in and the disrespect was awful-they where trashing the place,vaping,swearing and fighting)

'If id behaved like that,my mother would have pulled my head off,my father would have stuffed my head up my arse and my grandad would have been so disappointed in me'

Guess which was more effective?

Yes. Very frightened of my mum for various reasons. It blighted my childhood and shaped my personality. Circumstances changed a great deal in my mid teens and we had an excellent relationship for the remainder of her life. But i often wonder what my life would have looked like if I hadn't been shaped into such a cautious, hyper vigilant people pleaser. I look at my own adult DC who never knew a moments fear, how confident they are, how much higher their self esteem, and think would I have been like that if my childhood had been different?

Of course there is. Fear is a normal and healthy emotion, it's something that's helped us stay alive as humans for tens of thousands of years. Fear helps us make good risk-based decisions, and also helps us identify situations which are dangerous. If you saw your child mucking about with a jerry can of petrol near a fire, you'd feel afraid. You'd want to pass that fear on to them and teach them to fear setting themselves on fire, so they know that's an absolute red line.

Agree

My kids don't fear me but they have a healthy recognition that I am in charge & have power to impose consequences they are afraid of or dislike. They have learned through consistency over the years that I can be relied upon to follow through with those consequences and they don't chance it.

So many people now use "natural" consequences that their kids are actually not bothered by. If your kid isn't upset by the consequence its not gonna work as a deterrent!

I was scared of my dad, he had a horrible temper, and would over react to normal kid behaviour- think shouting and throwing things around or at us.
If he ever suspected that we were scared of him, he’d act all hurt and make us feel bad

My stepdad a bit yeah. He had a violent temper sometimes and smacked me and my brother. But it was 70s and seemingly this was the norm then. He’s fine and I think regrets it now. Learned it from his own mum who had 4 boys and had a husband who was absent a lot due to work abroad. He was only in early 20s when he met my mum and says now he might’ve been too young to be a stepparent. They’re still together now and he’s a great grandparent.

It horrible isn’t it? When this happened in our house we would go to my nana’s house until it calmed down. He left once for a week to his flat (holiday home) but then returned. Sadly drink was a big problem for him and a job where he wasn’t happy, but was if you get me?

I was only scared of my dad once. He has only ever shouted at me once and it was when I called my mum a bitch. It’s also the only time he’s called me my real name, he’s only really ever called me a nickname. It was after they had been divorced for 4 years. He grabbed me by the wrist and got in my face and said “(full name) don’t you EVER let me hear you say that about your mother again or we are going to have a SERIOUS fucking problem!” It was more of a shock than fear, didn’t think he was going to hit me or anything.

My mum on the other hand… she could be very strict. I was never scared to tell her something, I knew it was always best to fess up because she wouldn’t shout or be mad. But oh my god if she caught you out on something or you had lied… she can be bloody scary.

The only time I “scare” my kids is when they do something dangerous.

Exactly. My nephew (7) can/could behave appallingly which was always dealt with by reducing screen time or sending him to his room. Yes he’s disciplined but his mum is a gentle parent, she does discipline and lose it sometimes, rarely though, dad not so much but he does discipline him. Luckily he’s much better and happier now, nephew. Plus he has a toddler brother he needs to show a good example to.

I think it’s healthy to fear getting in trouble if you have done something wrong, but shouldn’t fear the parent themselves.

My mum only hit me once as a toddler. Never again. She slapped me round the face once as a teenager when I wanted to go out. And we had another set to for a similar reason, similar time/age.

My grandad and mum had awful rows sometimes at his flat, with him getting up from the table and leaving the room stomping his walking stick! I giggled nervously once when I was there and he was mid happy! He was lovely otherwise though.

Yes exactly.

Our teens are not afraid of us, nor should they be.

They have a healthy apprehension of our reactions should they do something bad......which is a moving target I know.

Saying this it's not really been challenged because they trust and love us and we trust and love them. We don't always like each other but that's normal living with other humans full time, especially ones who effectively have complete control of everything you love!

So many of these comments are total bollocks. Fear is an important tool for children to learn what is and is not acceptable in society.
If you don't get shouted at angrily ever in your childhood you're gonna have a terrible shock out in the big bad world from people that will go far beyond shouting.

You can teach them that without shouting. The fact you can’t do that is a skill problem.