AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

[Icecreamdreamer]

Were you afraid/fearful of your parents growing up in any way and do you think your children feel any of that towards you?

personally I did have a level of fear when my parents told me off/ shouted but I would hate to think my children would ever be afraid of me

edited to add- I don’t think children should ever fear their parents but I know some people who do still parent like this

Was brought up by military patents - pick your own wooden spoon to have your backside tanned with.
Adhd/autism nothing like that existed) while growing up) or dragged up)

We’d regularly go across our father’s legs for showing them up in the 80/90’s. With a wooden spoon touching our bottom. Along with grandparents mentioning receiving the cane.

I was scared of my dad growing up, (still am and I’m 47! 😂). I it kept me from doing a lot of things I shouldn’t because I was to scared of the consequences if I was found out. I think a healthy fear of your parents is a good thing.

I was scared of my mother when she lost her temper. I had 6 stitches when she assaulted me, so it wasn't unfounded.

When I say that healthy fear is called respect, that implies that there is also an unhealthy kind of fear. I’m not saying that living in a state of being intimidated by your parents is a good thing. Clearly not, as shown by the experience of several posters on this thread.

All I know is that for there to be a positive parent-child relationship where parents correct and guide their child, that child has to care, on some level, about what the parent thinks and what the parent will do. Partly it’s about not disappointing your parent, but it isn’t just about that.

Consider the children who don’t care about what their parents or their teachers will say or do about bad behaviour. You could say they have no fear of consequences, including being told off. They have no respect for the position of parent or teacher or school. They are utterly unruly, disrupting their education and that of their peers.

There seem to be a lot of these children in the U.K. today. Much more than in the past. Much more than in many other countries. It seems to me that these children are fearless. Concern (anxiety, I guess) for the consequences of actions seems necessary to keep at least some children from becoming ungovernable.

This thread has made me think about my secondary school education abroad in Africa. What was it that made us behave so much better than British children of today? I thought we could be cheeky to our teachers but it was so low level compared to what seems to be everyday-normal in many British state schools.

Caning was not an option our teachers had, so it wasn’t fear of that. Other than the force of their personalities, they could administer punishments like cleaning or grass cutting (with a machete!). These punishments were inconvenient but not fear-inducing. Being brought to the attention of our school head would be worse. She WAS intimidating. Behaviour miraculously improved when there were rumours she was in the vicinity. People sat up straight. I’m still not quite sure how that woman, a white British woman, in a patriarchal black African society, managed to not only maintain order in a coeducational school but make our school highly respected and desirable. And in our private moments relaxing in our dormitories, I heard fellow students say more than once, ‘If she goes, I go. This school won’t be the same without her.’ We feared her AND respected her.

Even worse than an audience with Miss X would be having your parents called in. That didn’t happen unless the situation was quite serious and would have been a serious personal failing for me who had been warned by my mother not to bring shame on the family. I felt I was representing my family and didn’t want them to be embarrassed by my behaviour at school. I was quick-tempered but managed to squash many urges to react or retaliate due to this.

Completely disagree. Fear has no part in respect.

I wouldnt say I feared them but there was clear authority

Of course they should. They should fear consequences. Gentle parenting has made kids fear nothing and as a result they have absolutely no respect. If you've worked with children then you'll know this for a fact.

Children can run riot, smash things, shout, swear, hit and all other things these days and just get told to calm down or taken outside to breathe. They know there are no real consequences.

Of course this isn't all children, but it's a bloody big percentage.

OK fair and maybe a bad example but my point is being afraid of your parents’ reaction to you crossing a line (which is sometimes useful) is different to being permanently afraid of your parents (which in my view is unhealthy).

No, fear shouldn't be in a healthy parent child relationship. Perhaps fear of disappointment, fear of upsetting, but not real actual fear from being shouted at, told off etc. I had shouty parents and hated it, it made me a very secretive teen and something of a people pleaser unless I concentrate and avoid saying yes to things on automatic.

No I didn't fear them. My mother ruled the roost as my father worked long hours and we didn't see him much on a daily basis. She was strict in that she had her expectations, routine etc but that felt safe as we knew what to expect. Occasionally she lost it and that was upsetting though I don't recall it being with us ever - either my father or someone else who had let her down.

But I was wary of disappointing her. I can remember once analysing this as a child when I'd stayed out too long after school as I felt anxious returning too late and realised she wouldn't 'do' anything, just be disappointed in me.

But part of that was eldest child syndrome. She always praised me for looking after my younger siblings etc so I felt I had to be responsible. My siblings certainly didn't feel this - they didn't seem to have the same need to do so.

My father was softer but much more distant.

Totally agree

Fear is fear. Respect is respect.
Entirely different.

I think there is a healthy balance here. No children should not be afraid or live in fear of their parents but on the flip side, there should be a healthy fear of consequences because without that, kids are unruly. I work in a school and the behaviours are absolutely eye wateringly bad!! I go home exhausted and quite upset with how little children give a damn about anything these days. I don't want my children to be frightened of me or their dad, but I do want them to know that actions have consequences. We have gone too far the other way now and children aren't taught boundaries and have zero care for authority in any form.

I didn't fear my parents. I feared consequences of my actions when I did wrong, which were enforced by my parents.

Yes, kids should be a bit scared of their parents in the same way they should be a bit scared of their teachers - and the same way that as adults we should all be a bit scared of the law. If you're not planning to break any laws, nothing to worry about. But you've got an awareness of the possible consequences if you did.

I'm constantly amazed by the number of people on MN saying that their kids "won't" do this or "refuse" to do that. I wouldn't have dared just look my parents in the face and straight-up disobey them. Most kids, for most of human history, wouldn't have. Putting up with that sort of thing is a very modern invention. And is it producing better, or even happier, kids (or adults)? Doesn't look like it to me.

I was worried to disappoint my dad but never scared of him. My mum on the other hand... her go-to punishment, even for something minor like forgetting to say thank you, was to take me out of my wheelchair and sit me on the spare bed. I didn't have the strength to sit like that for long so would often fall backwards and hurt myself. She never came when that would happen and I would cry out in pain. I was an incredibly reserved and timid child because of that and have a very arms length relationship with her now (she often questions why and blames me for being distant).

Don't have children yet but I would want respect but definitely no fear.

All the ferral little bastards i come across have zero fear of anyone. Zero fear of the police. Zero fear of their teachers. Zero fear of their Parents.

Can you see how this escalates? If a parent cant instill an element of consequences for actions the child is going to go one of two ways. In the right environment they will be fine, if a little lacking in moral compass. The other is to turn into a fucking waste of space who is a drain on everyone in society.

Fear isnt just about someone hurting you. It can be fear of hurting someone you love and respect. It can be fear of someone thinking less of you than the day before. Children need to realise that actions have consequences and this is why fear (whatever word you want to describe it) is important.

I have a fantastic relationship with my parents, and I remember one time when I was properly afraid of them. I must have been 3 or 4, and I threw a toy out of a car window on a dual carriageway. As an adult, I appreciate exactly how frightening that must have been for my dad who was driving, for the other drivers, etc. My dad pulled over to the side of the road and I have never seen him so angry (or, as I now realise, shocked, full of adrenaline and scared at the near miss I caused). There was nothing physical, but the way he spoke to me meant I didn't do anything so stupid ever again.

Parents are human, and sometimes have big feelings too. I don't think there's anything wrong with showing a child who has done something absolutely bloody stupid, that they have triggered anger and fear. So long as it's not violent, it shows children that there are real red lines in this world, which is an important lesson for adulthood.

Compliance is sometimes all that is required for smaller children.

If you’ve instilled in them a cautiousness (or anxiety) around busy roads, hot pans and talking to strangers then I would say that ‘fear’ is a normal part of the parent/child relationship in keeping little children safe. It’s not a bad thing in the context of normal warm and loving interactions.

If a child lives consistently with fear and anxiety then that’s abusive.

It’s entirely how you interpret ‘fear’. We are all under the law and how much you ‘fear’ getting caught and being brought to justice determines how law abiding you are. It’s no surprise then, that children who don’t have fear of sanctions from parents or teachers are increasingly feral and disregulated. This is not good for anyone and certainly not society.

There needs to be another word for ‘healthy fear’ in a parenting context because it’s integral and important for bringing up children well imo.

The nuance of this is fearing the consequence – not the person. A consequence can either be appropriate or not appropriate, but but both can still be feared. A kid can fear losing the privilege of screen time or a certain privilege – because it’s unpleasant to go without. Fear of pain, humiliation or aggression, however, is inappropriate and harmful.

Your father used a situation to teach you love (He wouldnt do it if he didnt), respect (You lacked respect of your toy and respect for those around you) and consequences (He gave you both barrells).

I had many similar situations which taught me what consequences i would get for my actions. Some resulted in a smacked arse.

Your dad sounds like he had everything about right.

Yes, same for me. There is nothing wrong with DC being fearful of the consequences that sensible parents will enact if DC behave badly. That is very different from fearing your parents as in being afraid by just being in the house with them.

Although we did get smacked a few times - as did every child in my class, I think.

I feared my father but I didn't respect him. I didn't want that atmosphere in my home if I had children.

I was also a compliant child so used to feel annoyed about being treated unreasonably. As I grew up I learned to stay out of the way/ clear off out when I could see trouble coming and myself getting the blame for something that wasn't my fault.