AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

This is a huge derail but all these terms are once medical descriptions of what we now call intellectual disability just like spastic. Personally they are much of a muchness.

Aside from the weird dynamics and strange parent/child relationship, are you recovering ok? Its unusual to still need pain relief 4 weeks post section. Yanbu about the whole mil visit though

Mother's over 40 still made up over 1% of new mums, that's not nothing.

He's 50 and never had a long term relationship I'd bet a tenner the op does everything domesticity wise now and pre baby. Too late now but he doesn't seem much of a catch and all the signs were there. Is he a high earner or something op?

All she can do is put up with the mil for now or go to a hotel though I think that would have a serious knock on effect on their relationship but maybe it's past salvaging.

@ Holesinmesocks
@ pikkumyy77

It’s not about being sentimental or whether or not she cares about her in-laws: it’s about how she feels her MIL regards her and her DC. I know it is a source of irritation to my own DIL that my ex did not bother to visit his first DGC until he was six months old. It’s not that my DIL is much bothered about her FIL, and much more to do with how it made her feel about what he thought of her and her baby and how important they were to him.

Please, as someone with experience with an incredibly manipulative MIL, please tell your husband that it was a mistake for her to come as you're still recovering and you need her to go home.

No excuses, no waffle... you weren't asked for your opinion and not you're not asking for his, you're telling him.

You only get this time once, you need your peace, space and recovery time. Please stop doing anything for them.

If she cries and says you want her to go... agree, say 'Yes', not because she's not loved but you need your space and time to recover and you won't get that with anyone else in the house.

It’s a disgusting way to speak about anyone, and notable that the descriptions of her escalated to full on narcissistic dupers delight when it became clear that the responses to the OP weren’t unmitigated fawning and MIL bashing.

The postnatal physical issues mentioned justify referral to HV or GP at this stage, and really anyone who marries and procreates with a 50 year old man who’s never had a long term relationship and has a co dependent relationship with his mother needs to take some responsibility for their choices.

OP probably is totally pissed off with her mil in general for her behaviour and catty remarks and the enmeshed mummys boy h isn't helping the situation.
This isn't a normal situation given the age of mil and h.
It is totally different to the typical aged mum/ dad and mil situation and therefore not really comparable.

I don't understand why your husband thought this was ok or thought that it was at all something you could possibly have wanted?

Might be her only chance to meet grandchild

or she may live another 5yrs

A c-section is a big deal & you need time to recover, now is not the time for house guests who cannot help you.

To me this is almost entirely a husband problem rather than a MIL problem. No wonder OP is wound up and angry. It sounds like he isn’t being much help at all Some of the names some people have called the MIL are very unpleasant towards a 92 year old woman. It’s completely understandable that she would want to meet her grandchild after 4 weeks and at her age she can’t just drive down and stay in a hotel or catch the train, unless she’s exceptional. OP’s husband should have discussed it with OP first but I think to refuse a visit would have been unreasonable. OP is reading the tears and smiles as manipulation but it’s possible the MIL was genuinely feeling upset. OP should be the one having a lie in and her husband should be looking after his Mum but it does sound as if OP is very tired and emotional and blaming it all on MIL. From MIL’s pov, she was invited for a week and now is picking up on hostility. Some people just see the letters M I L and it’s like a red rag. This situation is a bit different. It’s not his mother’s fault that the husband was still in bed at 10am.

How can you write & be horrible about a 92yr old lady who has seemingly made a bit of a journey to be there to visit her grandchild

why do these people who hate their partners family even marry them never mind have kids.

she is 92 and you are begrudging her time with her family

I think it’s quite logical for someone of such advanced age to meet their ? Only grandchild ASAP …to prevent that would be unreasonable.

Everything else is for your DH to ensure happens in the most comfortable way for you

And that's why she never had another one.
Too old.

Ok, I did know about the derivation and I was making a point that almost all insults by necessity are pejorative and are 'othering' by default.

But I did not know that it was ever used in modern times towards actual people with special needs, and I apologise.

For the moment, no more looking after her or him in any way. No teas/coffees, cooking dinners, doing his laundry, etc. Focus on your baby and go out for long walks with the pram - breastfeed in your own room with TV on a laptop, etc. Once she's gone - read him the riot act - not about his mum so much as his behaviour - he should be looking after you not you looking after him. Given him 6 months to "get it" and if not then exit the relationship with your beautiful son.

Congratulations from me as well, @Dougiesmaw
There are five magic words you can say to your husband, without fear of offending either him or your mother-in-law.
This is your home, and since you’re on to the manipulation, you don’t have to put up with it a moment longer.
Okay.
So you say the five words, take the baby into your bedroom and shut the door - having prior taken any nappies and anything else you might need to remain in there for about an hour - though I doubt it’ll take that long. Seriously, I doubt it’ll take 30 minutes, but Be Prepared I always say.

Here they are:
Get. Her. Out. Of. Here.

Let the man who got y’all into this mess get you out of it. It’s not your problem any more.
And do not open that bedroom door until you’re certain they’ve left the house. To anybody.
Silence is the word of the day.

You’re a mum! You are fierce. ❤️

Try honestly then. 'Yes - I want some peace and quiet with my baby, maybe a nap and you two are too noisy and not being very helpful so shoo'

Well, if the manipulative tears is something that she tries again, next time you know to not fall for it. Go for full honesty next time and see how she reacts😂. Just say I agree you are in the way and I do wish you had not come right now. And let her sit with it. That may cause issues with your spouse, but hopefully at least you will feel better and you’re not playing along with her game.

@Dougiesmaw

I really feel for you. I am middle-aged and have a brother who is similarly weirdly/unhealthily enmeshed with our very elderly mother. I can totally imagine my parent and my brother behaving like this. They each prioritise the other and they exist in an echo chamber. It’s totally bizarre to anyone else outside of the enmeshment. The umbilical cord/apron strings have never been properly severed. My female parent is also becoming more and more manipulative and Machiavellian as she ages.

My brother is very much like this. I think it’s an Oedipus complex. They’re constantly belittling and bullying my father. I’m glad I’m not the only one, because it’s bizarre to watch.

When my brother found a partner he dropped my mother like a hot potato. When it started going pear shaped, he kept tittle tattling to her about it. So fucking weird and unhealthy.

OP, I think you need to put your foot down because it isn’t going to improve if you don’t set some boundaries - for both of them.

As hard as it is, I think it is important to remember that she is an old lady whose son has just become a father.
Post cs, bf, bleeding, no sleep etc etc is totally exhausting and you have every right to be upset. Your husband was wrong to let her stay but he too is in a difficult position.
As impossible as it seems, please try to 'detach' from the situation and perhaps have a separate talk with your husband.
This is temporary, please remember that.
Take care OP, you must stop catering for her, your husband can do that.
You need support and looking after right now

I can’t believe the amount of people suggesting a woman struggling to recover from a c-section should go and stay in a hotel or move out to her parents.

Tell your husband that she is causing you stress and that she shouldn’t have been invited so soon. She needs to go home until you are recovered- particularly if she wants hosting and looking after.

I think at this late stage in the day, the way to detach may be taking the baby and booking into a hotel. You are being very unreasonable.