AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

[Dougiesmaw]

FTM 4 weeks post C-section

MIL has came to visit from South of England for a week to stay in our marital home. She is 92 (had DH when she was older). As her only Son, he has adopted a caring role for her when he goes home to visit. She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50.

AIBU to feel this was too soon for her to come?, I feel terrible being angry about it and feeling they have both been selfish. I have not been able to establish breast feeding, walking about in my underwear at home with post partum night sweats. I have barely slept obviously. She does nothing except make comments about me over feeding him, he is too cold, are you sure his breathing is OK. Hysterical at everything. (She has a lifelong history of being a drama queen). I am thankful I have some medical background as if I was an anxious FTM she would have had me completely wound up. She continually asks if he is medically OK, she somehow thinks at 4 weeks old he has no signs of autism.

She asked if he ‘actually has any clothes that fit him’ - I explained he is 4 weeks old so is quite small still. She seems utterly bamboozled when he stirs or cries. I asked if she remembered her own Son when he was a newborn to put his presentation into context; to which she says she does not recall - she just put his pram out in the porch and let him cry.

It explains why my husband only got married in his late 40’s, had a strange attachment pattern and never had a girlfriend before me in all honesty.

She was crying the other morning saying ‘she should not have come’, to which I obviously said it was OK - her tears dried up immediately following this - I felt her immediately transformation from sad vulnerable old woman to smiling broadly was quite manipulative. Her tears were the last thing I needed post partum. Post C section, still bleeding and still needing regular analgesia.

Yesterday I was making cups of tea for her whilst she was sitting on the sofa. My husband and her both slept in until 10 whilst I was up with baby.

I am absolutely furious with them both for putting me in this situation, I feel this is not a fucking holiday home for entertainment - it is a recovery from childbirth and establishing a routine. My question is AIBU?

She has form for this; when we got married she stayed in our new marital home for a week after the wedding making it exceptionally awkward for me to come and visit and move in from my own home. She was apparently crying to my new husband about how she was going to lose him as a Son. I did have patience and empathy then but my post partum expierence has resulted in this wearing thin. I think they are both selfish morons.

I wanted to vote YABU because I can’t understand why OP is allowing this and making cups of tea?!

It’s bonkers.

She left her baby to cry alone on the porch ? I would of gasped and said how cruel that was ... you cannot over feed a breast fed baby they feed alot more to establish supply and the milk digests much quicker id be blunt next time and tell her you won't be taking advice from a woman who shoved her baby outside and ignored him .

@Phoenixfire1988 it was pretty usual in the 50s/60s and even the 70s for babiesnto be put in the garden in their pram, and probably the porch too. What is putsode the norm now, wasn't then and the situation needs to be contextualised.

You have not picked a good one, there’s a reason he was single until 50. You deserve better, we’re all behind you. He is not including you in important decisions, he is not helping you and the baby, he is not prioritising you or the baby. What exactly does he bring to your family or relationship? This is about him, not his mom. He can see his mom without her living in your house, especially just after you’ve given birth.

have you had the conversation on care when the time comes because it sounds like he will want to move her in and at 92 that won’t be too far away.

I would be making my position clear on that right away.

She should not be the one to go and stay else where. Having a C section is actually , surgery, she needs to look after herself and the baby because it seems no one else is...The m-in-l needs to leave now, enough is enough, & her dh needs to step up. Right now she needs her dh support more than ever, in her own home, where everything she needs is to hand

Could you go & stay with you parents (apologies if they’re no longer alive) if you can & your mum is a kind caring sympathetic woman message her tell her the problem & ask if you can take sanctuary with her for a while then pack what’s needed discreetly send hubby & mil off to the garden centre for afternoon tea & once your in the car away from the house message him & tell him you can’t cope for how ever longs left of Mils stay it was discussed with you it’s very unfair on you at such a special time so you’ve gone to have a rest at your mums & you’ll come home once he’s taken his mother home & any future visits will be discussed & agreed together.

one reason i would not date a man who had reached his 40s without a gf
he will get like his mother sure as eggs are eggs
tell him to take his mother home and dont bother to come back

Has she given you a leaving date? If not, set one now with her, she's planning on moving in by stealth 😬😬

I agree with everyone else. Try to talk to your husband and tell her she needs to go as she’s not helping. If that doesn’t work go and stay with friends or family, if that’s not an option tell your MIL yourself as you should not be forced to leave your own home and go to a hotel or the other option is hand your baby to your husband and say I’m going to a hotel for the night, you’ll be fine she’s on formula I need my sleep, I’ll be back tomorrow or how ever long you need and say that your MIL needs to be gone by the time I come back. I can remember when my son was born and had to tell my DH to man up and tell his mother to stop coming round too much

I would be taking the baby and going to stay with my mum/sister/friend until she has gone!

Ffs are you living in the 1800s !

You’re not being unreasonable. But….she is 92

Ignore her tears, try shedding some of your own, have a huge meltdown right in front of her when she starts, that might send her packing.

I don't think you ABU to find it hard to have her there for a week, but this is not a normal 'MIL overstaying her welcome situation' either. At 92 she is doing incredibly well to still travel at all. Her time is running out. Fast. She may not get to do the journey again. It's entirely possible she may not even get a chance to see her grand child again.

Your DH needs to step up. You should not have to do ANYTHING but be looked after and establish a bond with your baby. If your DH can't care for you AND his DM then he definitely should have asked her to delay her visit.

I also would say that many men really don't think these things through.

Also huge congratulations on your baby 💐

At 90, she’s obviously not there
to help and would imagine she needs care herself

how long is she staying?

i think a few days is fine. She’s obviously not going to see her granchild grow up so be a bit
empathetic

of course she cant remember the baby days. I cant remember when mine were babies and that’s under a decade ago

No OP - it won’t be. Look at your strength already dealing with this and not being floored by her constant criticism/questions. She needs to go and she needs to go tomorrow. As others have probably said - you have a husband problem not a MIL. Take some time to get yourself where you want to be. Your routines. Eat and sleep well and then in about a month or two think about what works for you.

Sorry but this is just unacceptable. He sounds a right drip ur husband as clearly he can’t even stand up to his mother!! Disgraceful behaviour from both of them especially you making her drinks!!!! She can make her fuckin own drink!!! I’d seriously be questioning my marriage at this point as clearly your husband is a mummy’s boy who can’t put you and your baby 1st. I’d tell them both to fuck off and go it alone. He can always go and live with his mummy

I wonder if your MIL has MH issues/ dementia.

Either way it doesn’t make any difference. She needs to go home asap and you and your husband need to have a very serious talk before things get any worse. It was all entirely inappropriate and he has not bothered to share the workload, because tiny babies are both the cutest things on Earth and also the greatest work producers.

I have to declare I had this very situation and had to put an end to it. My dramatic overbearing dominating MIL was just like this, she stayed a week, but once she was gone, I told my husband the situation and (cowardly!) emailed her direct to say along the lines of - we are very different people, you can still see your son and grandchildren, however I can’t have this relationship with you.

I had reached boiling point with her and my husband, and it was hard for him initially, but I needed it for my own wellbeing. She sees the kids and hubby now, when he drives to hers, stays there - and I get a rest from them all. Winner winner - and no more of that anxiety I used to experience before every time I saw her.

It’s worked out okay in the end, I can say hi on FaceTime, drop an email, but no more needed. He’s a mummy’s boy, he can deal. Call me a cow, but I needed to protect my own sanity x you can do it! whatever your boundaries are, ideally tell your husband and he sets it with her, failing this, go straight to the horses mouth. We are allowed boundaries.

Is your husband quite independent as a personality, or?

She's a narcissist and both you, your husband and baby are existing to do her bidding and allow her to bask in her controlling, self-centred glow. Your husband probably can't help his behaviour, its what he's been trained to do by her. No doubt she doesn't approve of a lot of things about you, your home or the baby. That's how narcissists are their needs and opinions are paramount, nobody else is considered. Don't feel bad, you know your husband's relationship with his mother is different to a normal son/mother relationship and your response should be different too the norm because of that. The hysterics over the baby are how narcissists draw attention to themselves when alternative ways to 'glow' aren't available. She will suck the life out of you both just to satisfy her own needs, that's what they do. You need to speak to your husband about the situation and how he should have taken her home weeks ago he also needs to seek some professional support if he wants to keep his family together. Next time she cries and says she shouldn't have come, tell her no, you shouldn't have. She wont be hurt and the only thing she'll feel is annoyance at not getting her way. Good luck.

Do it!

That’s awful. She sounds awful and I’m so sorry for you. please for the love of god stop making cups of tea and absolutely wake up your husband when she is awake. You need sleep. There are two other adults - hand the baby to dad and have a shower and a rest if you can. Sod the mil - I say this in the nicest way but she won’t be around for long!!!

I think an open extremely honest conversation with your husband is needed. You need to set boundaries with him, and he with his mother. You need to set out how you see things moving forward and your expectations. No ifs no buts. And what you forsee in the future if it does not meet your needs snd expectations/ boundaries.

Then let him choose his path. His mother who obviously won't be here in 10 years or his wife and child who will. Im not saying he needs to cut her off but he needs to set boundaries and be firm.