15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

Litter pick? Bloody hell.

He committed a criminal offence (well several actually). He is old enough to be treated as criminally responsible.

I dread to think what punishment you would devise if he had hit someone with the car - a litter pick and a clean up of the local community centre?

Because of the impulsive nature of his ADHD, he’s unlikely to be put off doing it again if the mood takes him. And he’s intelligent so will find a way to get the keys (or worse).

Would you honestly expect him to think ‘ooh yes my mum said that was bad and made me pick up litter so I won’t do that’?

I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with that as a consequence. This isn’t a daft wee mistake he made and he is unlikely to mature from where he is now to calm and sensible driver in the space of 2 years. I would not want mine driving at 17 after being so utterly irresponsible at 15. The gap is far too small and it sounds like OPDS is likely to need a lot of years before he reaches a level of maturity that should see him behind the wheel of a car.

I kind of think you might be overreacting OP.

I get it's scary, but this is a teenager for whom driving cars is normalised and who did this once in a relatively safe way.

He took the slower car.

He didn't take friends

He didn't speed.

He has ADHD so his brain is wired to be impulsive

I would talk to him about why, explain the consequences of if he got caught, stick with your decision to lock the keys away and see how his attitude is.

If he shows remorse and says he will not do it again that would be the end of it for me. Or If you really want to punish him I would give him some extra chores, maybe wash the cars for a month. I wouldn't tell college as a sign of trust, that you believe he won't repeat his behaviour. It could also backfire if his mates find out and think it was a great idea. If he does it again then he would be on notice there would be significant consequences.

I’m willing to bet that most of the posters advocating a telling off are mothers of sons. I have noticed a trend with them seeming more protective of their boys than if they had girls

Did you never ever watch your parents? You surely had SOME idea?

And a lot of cars now are automatic and very very easy to drive. Turn it on, put it into drive and press the go pedal....

Bloody hell. How do you know he didn’t speed. And giving him credit for taking the slower car 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

MN is batshit sometimes

‘Chores’ 🙈🙈🙈🙈

Well he didn't actually hurt anyone or set out to deliberately hurt anyone. I am afraid my personal experience of the police is pretty negative. I cant imagine ever reporting a child of mine to the police unless I thought they were planning on or setting out to hurt someone on purpose or if they had actually hurt someone even by accident but because of reckless behaviour

Police intervention has close to ruined the life of a young person in a family I know very wel. Obviously what they did was wrong, i think they had pretty extenuating circumstances and many many others have done similar and not been punished at all ( not getting into specifics ). 10 years later they are still feeling the consequences of a a youthful mistake that affects their job prospects and where they can live and travel to

I would never put my child in that potental situation without a very very good reason.

The op has responded well I think and I wouldn't exactly blame her for reporting to the police but I just could not do it., not unless someone had been hurt or unless I genuinely thought he took the car out to deliberately try to hurt someone

Are we not allowed to go on holiday without our children?

Well you are, but given your son's significant behavioural issues and bad attitude I'd have thought it very unwise and naive indeed. It was a disaster waiting to happen, leaving him unsupervised but for his gran. What were you thinking? That he'd conveniently press pause on being himself for the week?

How does he know how to drive at only 15 years old?

A very close friend of ours went for a walk last night with his newborn baby and a joyrider with no licence or insurance crossed the path into a wall about 10 metres ahead of him. They both could have been killed.

But it's ok, a kid has ADHD so can't help being impulsive and didn't kill anyone, so they should be excused right?

Of course I'm being sarcastic. Some of the responses on here are absolutely unbelievable.

Dd started the young driver lessons at 11. Scary to watch your 11yr old driving competently round a car park. She had 7 of these lessons, 10hrs driving lessons at 17 and passed first time with a couple of minors.
Is there a trusted adult at school who could have a word, or someone at the mechanics class?
Dd ( we suspect some sort of ADHD) certainly wouldn't have stolen a car, but I do worry when she's out in hers. She's massively into cars, thanks to dh, and at that age they think they're indestructible.

Wow. So you wouldn’t report until the consequences were tragic?

So say someone does it several times, you say nothing because, ya know, they didn’t mean any harm. but the last time, they kill a pregnant woman. Is that the first time you would report it as they weren’t intending to hurt anyone?

Exactly! Apparently jf they didn’t mean it then it’s okay. They should pick up some litter and have everything explained to them and that will sort it

So if he had knocked down or crashed into another car and injured/killed someone, there should be no consequences because he's 'at a special school'? I don't think the law works like that. Yes, there may be mitigating circumstances taken into consideration but I doubt that people would just shrug their shoulders and say 'oh well, it's his first time killing someone'.

Wow. Blame the mother why don’t you?

Get his ADHD assessment ASAP. Sounds like classic ADHD impulsivity. If he gets a diagnosis and has the chance to go on meds it could be life changing. It was for our son.

And the motivation isn’t your call. But interesting that you would protect a criminal because you deem that they didn’t mean to do it.

Someone taught him to drive you dont just get in a car and drive unless his mates have been teaching him...how can someone drive for an hour who doesnt know how to drive.....id be more interested in who taught him unless your husband has been taking him out....and if his mates have taught hes obviously driven before,

It's ridiculous isn't it. There's no wonder there's so many kids about running riot. There's always an excuse for their behaviour.

When I was a teen if my mum ever went to the shops on the occasions she'd pick me up from school, I'd move her car to a different car parking space, she never noticed. And my friend drove her parents car to my house when they were away, she was probably 14 or 15. She was a relatively good driver as she did banging racing but when I got in with we bunny hopped off down the road.

However in no way condoning it. Perhaps @Peoplearereallyweird call the local youth offending service to see if there is an early intervention service that could work with him outside of calling the police.

Oh for heaven’s sake, stop. There was an adult home. People can go on holiday without their children

So his dad has taughf him to drive and bought him cars and hes good at driving and you go away and leave a 15 year old and wonder why he then went driving...thank god he is a good driver!

I agree with those saying do not go to the police and do not ask someone to speak to him. I would tell him not to tell anyone and emphasise the severity of what he has done and the possible consequences and would also give him a punishment to emphasise this.

I would punish him and make sure he never had access to the keys and I would work on his decision making skills - teaching him how to think through consequences and not just act on impulse.

People with ADHD often seek dopamine hits and need to find them through adaptive means so thinking about how he gets these 'highs' normally. If he has ASD as well then social interactions will be difficult for him and it may be that this is also a reason he did it - to seem big and popular. Also changes of routines are usually difficult for people with ASD which may also have been a factor.

I totally agree with everyone saying it is a terrible thing to do and he could have killed someone etc. Thank goodness he didn't but trying to look at the reasons and solutions for his behaviours.

I agree about going away without your ten and fifteen year old.
Do not permit or allow his condition to excuse his behaviour.
As you say he knows right from wrong. He knows this was wrong. Hence sneaking off late at night.
He took advantage. He took a risk for fun. If he had injured someone or worse in the night there would be no insurance.
I always think driving offences are taken far too lightly. You can take away someone’s livelihood. Give someone permanent injury. Change their life. People who drive around uninsured are given a tap on the wrist. It is not enough. People need to take it more seriously.
And no, he would not have had enough control to manage an unexpected situation.
Definitely needs a talking to. Taking things away as punishment is too light. Too ‘young’ in many ways. A talking to by a policeman might indeed help. Nip this sort of behaviour in the bud.

Oh FFS really?