AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

The problem isn’t really the ex. She’s entitled to live life as she wants. The problem is the husband.

Ok. I think you need to step back now. There are issues building with your blended family and your stepson which are not good.
I would suggest that you go to couples counselling so that you can work your way through issues to do with your SS, your family, and your finances.

Good luck.

@Stompythedinosaur whst a load of bollocks. The IP shouldn’t be bullied into compromising her children’s education because the ex partner can’t be bothered to pay for what she wants. Sharing when you don’t give back is just taking and that’s what’s going on here.

And you'll end up with a far more harmonious family as a result.

How is this helpful?

That's a really positive approach, and you'll avoid the bitterness and resentment simmering away with the OP and her family.

No the problem is that the ex is "living life as she wants" and yet demanding someone else shells out for luxuries that she has no interest in earning for herself.

I'd love to work part time whilst another unrelated person paid for my children to have luxuries but it's never going to happen so work FT and save it is.

It might end up a bit like when the Dursleys were going to send Dudley to Smeltings and Harry Potter to Gasworks Comp.

OP, I get your point of view completely, but can equally understand your DH's position.

What's going to happen if he decides to pay in full for DSS and only e.g. 25% for yours?

Perhaps you should review the thread.

Just because I’m not willing to fund £100K+ in his education, because he has two capable parents, doesn’t mean I refuse to help with anything else. But as I’m reminded that it is not my place to influence major life decisions of his son, it’s also not my place to fund said decisions in the place of his parents.

Additionally, I believe it sets a bad example for my children, for them to see me be a woman who works hard but is used by everyone because of a lack of boundaries.

Regardless of the negative comments, I won’t to be coaxed into penny counting and listing how much I have already contributed towards the eldest’s and his mother; it is petty act that actually sours family relations.

You feel "used by everyone"?
Please get some help and support.

Ok, so your DH sets the same amount a month for each child's education& future, and discusses with the respective second parent how to spend it - private school now, extracurriculars, savings?

That sounds as a reasonably fair model.

@PatriciaRocks its not bitterness. It’s annoyance that this woman, who already lives at home so has no responsibility around providing for her kids herself is now burdening the OP with this garbage. School fees are a privilege, not a right, especially with the VAT on top of it. My SIL tried this briefly with us on the basis that they live near us and it’s unfair ours go private. Thems the breaks.

So why post when you’re clearly absolutely sure you’re right?

That's true, but living expenses and even £130 shoes can't be compared with school fees.

To sort one's thoughts, check whether some new, previously unconsidered reasoning appears, and get an idea about how others in similar situation deal with it?

Why do the children have to all go to private schools?
The schools are only as ‘different’ as the parents paint them to be. I think the ex is being unreasonable.
Either she brings her contribution to the table or she accepts that her son cannot afford to go to private school.
Even in a non-blended family children go to different schools that suit them or are affordable at different life stages.

I think it’s an impossible situation. If I had three kids, I could not look one in the eye and say that we could not pay for your education, but I have paid for your two step siblings.. But I also understand your rationale for not wanting to pay.

I do think your comparison to being an aunt is weird though. It is not considered normal to pay for your nephews’ and nieces’ education. Whereas there is an argument as a step parent that you do contribute financially to a stepchild.

He is the one that insisted on this dynamic anyway as he is the one who manages the family “books,” it was never a problem until now.

It isn’t financial abuse if I don’t control his money, only the household funds go into the shared account, which we both consent to.

We don't know why the ex works part time. I'm not sure OP has elaborated although I may have missed that. She may be lazy/entitled but equally she may be forced to work part time due to being a single parent that needs to pick up her child from school. Also there is no guarantee her living with her parents means she has childcare on tap. Not all grandparents do childcare. Although she must save a fortune in rent/mortgage payments.

@CherriBerri absolutely stick to your guns. It’s outrageous.

I think maybe the OP and her DH potentially rushed this relationship and hadn't taken everything into consideration. Just given the age differences it seems quite small between the SS and OPs eldest.

Before we even moved in together we had long conversations about bills etc would be split... and it was always proportionately to income (I wasn't always earning 4x but I did always earn a bit more).

But most importantly we had very big discussions around our values and future plans. How we would raise our family and a very big part of that was that SS wasn't going to be disproportionately disadvantaged. And as soon as we bought our house that was it, joint account. We both take a set amount out each month as our personal fun money and the rest is just spent on whatever the kids or house or cars etc need.

My SS is 14 but just this morning my DH and I discussed that we should consider when and how we start saving a seperate fund to help contribute to him buying a car / car insurance when the time comes at 17 or 18. In years to come we expect to do the same for our shared kids.

Granted public school was never on the itinerary for either of us but it certainly would have been an absolutely massive conversation before having kids, particularly given the income disparity.

It wasn’t an issue because he didn’t expect the mother to be so adamant on her school attending private school too.

You're right, @BudgetBuster . It's not something to be entered into without a full and frank discussion. Ours isn't a blended family, but we've shared our money from the beginning.
The OP sounds unhappy and put upon, and there are clearly huge issues.
I've recommended couples counselling, but it's really going to take a big attitude change.

I have read the thread. You have been nothing but vile about your SS and his mother.

I think the example you are setting your children is that their sibling is less than and that your marriage isn't equal.

It's clear throughout this entire thread that you deem yourself to be above your DH and his ex and quite frankly I have no idea why you are married to him? A few people have asked do you even like your DH but you've clearly chosen not to respond to any of those.