AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

The money he earns now is solely through me.

So you are his employer? Just give him more pocket money then

Also you are actually the most repugnant and bitter person on this thread and that poor 7 year old is certainly better having less to do with you and your transactional relationships.

Is his job/career dependent on staying with you?

I'd definitely pay enough so all three could go. A wonderful opportunity to make sure your stepson has an excellent start in life. All three sound very loved.

The ex is taking the mickey. Private school is only important to her now that your children are going to get a private education and she feels her ds is missing out in a way that wasn’t important to her previously. She also works part time and won’t compromise. Well tough. She doesn’t get to call
the shots here.

But compromise is needed because whilst I can see your point completely, OP, I don’t think any parent could bring themself to treat their own children differently (your dh). Tiny children don’t need private education so if it were me I would make the compromise that I wouldn’t send my own children to private school until secondary school, and that will be the same for ss. So all start private at 11yo. I would also say that this is on the proviso that that the ex saves money for this as well. If private education is so important to her then she will do what she needs to to ensure she saves the money so she can contribute. If she doesn’t prioritise working full time and saving money then obviously private education wasn’t important to her after all. It also gives your dh time to save money.

How are you proposing DH equalises the opportunity he gave to his DS for OPs children? Or is he entitled to only invest over 100k on one of his children but not the others?

Op might not need that money for schooling but properly invested that money could end up being a significant pension saving for their children. Given the state of the economy that may not be a “nice to have” anymore. If DH pays for one and not the others he is actively taking away from children that he decided to have to benefit one. He should have considered that before having more children.

The fact that the younger children have a wealthier mother does not make them any less deserving of their father’s equal financial support.

"The son has two parents who bear parental responsibilities. I have offered to pay 10%, as gesture, so the mother would pay 40% instead of 50%, but she still can’t afford it. She’s been asked to consider a later intake, where it would arguably be more beneficial for him, but she refuses and wants him to start now."

"He can afford to pay for HALF of ALL children, it’s the mother who cannot afford it and they’re both looking for me to pay."

These points are, to me, the important ones.

1. His mother wants him to go to private school, even though she cannot afford to pay for it; and she wants him to go to private school now.
2. " they’re both looking for me to pay" ('they' being his mother, and his father/your husband)

I can hear my mother now - 'I want doesn't mean I get'.

1. I can absolutely understand your stepson's mother wanting this, and looking to his (richer) father to make it happen.
2. I can absolutely understand your husband's desire for all three of his children to have the same educational opportunity.
3. What I trip up on is the expectation of BOTH of them that you make up the shortfall.

So, I'd be telling my husband and his ex a big fat NO.

There's been some other points you've made in your subsequent posts that bear being kept in mind. To summarise them all (my post is getting long!) they are that DH's Ex works part time, lives with her parents, DSS does lots of extracurricular activities so you don't see why she doesn't work full time so that she could then afford to pay her half of DSS going to private school (or at least to be able to make a substantial contribution). I have to say, that to me is a better alternative. If she wants him to go to a private school, she pays for that private school.

And I'd be ripping the face off my husband for making this my problem. He's frankly being a bit of a coward here; she's giving him a hard time and rather than him point out that she could increase her income by going full-time, he tugs his forelock and looks to you to pay instead (and not give him the hard time she's giving him). I'd be giving him a harder time than she is giving him - he wouldn't be left thinking that fucking me over is the easiest line he could take!

As an aside @CherriBerri - reading your posts it looked to me as if neither your husband nor his ex had considered private school for their son; not until you presumably said you wanted to send your children to a private school. Is this the case?

You'd think it wouldn't need explaining!

several people have suggested she pays fully for their two & he pays for his eldest 🙇🏻‍♀️ it's batshit. Why should she?

You as an adult should have thought very carefully about what marrying a man who already had a child meant. If this was reversed male/female you'd be savaged on here. If you dont want to create something together for your whole family then you shouldn't have got married. I feel sorry for your step child. Remember if your children didn't exist His father would have more disposable income for him. You are creating massive differences between siblings and dividing a family. This will be the start of long resentment. Good luck you'll need it.

You’re a selfish woman.

This child is your husband’s flesh and blood, and when you divorce for you being so utterly selfish, next time choose someone with no offspring to consider.

If you want to live your life with a brain like an excel spreadsheet, frankly you should be on your own imo.

@CherriBerri do you actually like your husband?
You talk about him as though he’s shit on your shoe, mention everything that you’ve done for him as if he’s some kind of project , and he ought to be so grateful for you . There’s not a single aspect of team work that has appeared in your comments on this thread . You seem very bitter , life isn’t a competition.

I don't know how anyone has the energy for the tug of war that is these blended families 😞

Same.

but I think the OP is wrong. This isn’t some random child. It’s her step child and her children’s half brother. What a way to drive a wedge between them.

id be sitting down with the ex to work out a budget and a funding plan so they could all go.

No, but if I can afford it alongside additional savings, then why shouldn’t I?

Shouldn’t you be asking this of the eldest’s mother? If she’s refusing alternative solutions in favour of her son starting next year, but cannot afford her share, how is it reasonable for her to look at me for payment? She was happy with her son’s education until now.

I earn 3x my DH, it’s joint money so technically I’ll be paying for private school if we do that. But I understand it’s different eoth blended family. But if you earn more you contribute more?

If I was the mother of the 7 year old, I'd invest the 7 years of 50% of the school fees from primary that the dad is paying and use this plus my contribution to fund secondary. If you were offering 10% I'd take this too (although it's cheeky. !) I'd also look at using what money I could to put into extra curricular - eg sport, music the arts- to use this as a vehicle to get a scholarship.

Look at it from the opposite side. If i as a mother had a 7yo with 1 father then remarried and had 2 more children and my dh insisted on me paying half for the younger 2 but wouldn't support the same educational opportunity for my eldest because her father couldn't pay half you would say its unfair. As the higher earner people would say he should take on more to allow it to happen. That it would breed resentment and inequality between the siblings. Why is it stepfathers need to step up and stepmothers to step back?

You shouldn't have to pay for his ds, but it clearly isn't reasonable or fair for three siblings to be treated so wildly differently.

If your dh can't afford to pay 100% for his ds and 50% for your joint dc, then maybe your family can't afford for the dc to have a private education.

You could agree to pay more if you wanted them to go, but otherwise you accept the state education.

I understand where you’re coming from. I’d be interested to know the sums involved (salary vs cost of school). If it’s not going to make a material difference to you long term, then obviously the generous and family minded approach is to pay towards DSS school. I’d be very annoyed that the exW is not contributing when it sounds like she’s perhaps able to take more work on but choosing not to - but this is one side of the story. I don’t blame her for wanting her son to have the same opportunities as his half siblings. Might this be a short to medium term situation once the father starts earning more and can then (presumably) pay more towards his eldest’s education?

Utter, utter bollocks. It is not selfish not to fork out tens of thousands so another woman can work part time.

Maybe DH should have considered his own offspring before remarrying.

Out of interest, how many tens of thousands are you giving to charity?

Disagree entirely!!

she can love & care about the child without making a financial commitment for hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I earn 4x my husband.... he has a teen son who lives here 50% of the time, we have a toddler and one on the way.

It's just all our money. If the toddler needs shoes that might cost £30 versus the teen size 12 shoes that may cost £130... it all just comes out of the pot.

I guess if you sat down and did a tit for tat, our lifestyle would be very different because I'd have loads of money versus my DH and SS struggling in comparison.

They are just "our kids" when it comes to money

Your husband married well

I’d struggle to have any respect or attraction to a man who was willing to treat his children so differently. He wants to invest 4x more in his first child, than the ones he has with you OP.

Maybe the mother of his first child should get a job that could allow for her to pay for her half. She can witter on about how unfair it is but it’s something for nothing. Bet it’s not the first time she’s pulled that card

Of course, I do.

I don’t speak of him, nor anyone else, as though he is worth less than me. I am upset with how he is managing the situation, as it causes for me to feel weary of a future where I’m depersonalised and relegated to the position of a “bank.”

When I refer to his higher earnings being thanks to me, it is literal. He has his current role because I created that opportunity for him and coached him. But of course, he certainly goes to work and does the tasks himself, I could never take that from him. Conversely, I cannot allow people to shame me under the premise that I’m reaping the benefits of another woman’s labour. It was not the case, it is the reverse, and feels insulting considering that I already help so much.