Some girls don’t look after their hair and it gets bugs in it

[Fishfingerssmellfishy]

The class assistant in Dd’s class told her today, after putting up her hair…again
Dd has just past shoulder length, curly hair, it’s tricky to style and takes a long time. Dd is Nd and hates having her hair done.
Sometimes I can get it into a nice french plait, normal plait, ponytail or bun if she’s having a calm morning before school. Sometimes I can’t and I pick my battles and sometimes she simply wants to wear it down, so we do.
With it being curly and her running around, it invariably gets a little messy.
Recently, Dd has been coming home with it in a quite messy ponytail and telling me the classroom assistant keeps doing it

Aibu to find this a bit annoying/feel a bit offended?

I have a son with long hair and he wore it loose and caught nits. He hated having it washed and brushed at the time so it was a nightmare for all of us to get rid of them. He loves his long hair so we agreed that to keep it long he had to wear it in a pony to school. He agreed and he’s never had nits again.

You are avoiding properly parenting your child. Put her hair up and stop moaning about the school and looking for excuses.

Any student in primary school who has hair long enough to be tied up should have it tied up. That's the rule in my kid's school and it makes sense.

OP would it be better in this case to have her hair cut Into a short bob/pixie cut?

Just tie her hair up. I'm absolutely sick of DS having nits. He's profoundly autistic too so treating his hair constantly is a nightmare (except in the holidays when he never gets nits). I've been through it with my DDs too, both have long hair and during primary school the rule was you tie it back or it gets cut short (they were lucky and only caught nits twice)
I don't think what the TA said was awful. It doesn't sound like she meant your DD, she didn't name any other child it was just a statement although she could have said it without saying some girls don't look after their hair. Some of the children probably don't have parents who look after their hair though and some children do get nits.
I know it's a struggle when they're ND, my youngest DD is too and she hated me doing her hair in the morning (screaming, crying, meltdown) but absolutely refused to get it cut so unfortunately it was non negotiable.

Complete rubbish.

Sensory difficulties are real and hugely problematic for ND children. They can be hugely distressing.Autism is a protected disability and not something to be his dismissed.

I speak as a teacher and the mother of ND children. I had a daughter who struggled massively with sensitivity re hair. She had curly waist length hair so I feel your pain op. I don’t think just past shoulder is that long really. Dragging a hysterical deregulated child you’ve had to pin down to school is not in anybody’s interest. I think the school are on dodgy ground a little if they’re regularly touching her hair and it comes down to consent really. Does your dd mind the TA doing it? I’d establish that first and go from there. If she doesn’t mind could you check in with the TA that she doesn’t mind either and if you could work together towards helping your dd get it done before school or doing it herself if it’s really necessary.

Personally I think doing hair when there are sensory issues in the heightened rush before getting out the door is the worst time to do hair for ND children. ND kids find handling difficulties like sensory issues harder to handle when heightened. Try different brushes and maybe loads of conditioner, brushing before bed so it’s easier, give her control to do it herself ,try a silk bonnet etc. Maybe she could take a hairbrush and bobble and do it herself in the toilet once she has arrived and is less heightened.

Properly parenting my child?! Oh give over!

Yes. Didn’t you say that she’s often ok to have it tied back? If so, it can’t bother her so much that it’s impossible not to tie her hair back every day? if it was that problematic she’d not be able to tolerate it most of the time.

Technically clean hair will get slightly higher incidents overall though, as it is slightly easier for them to get infested than dirty and greasy hair that makes it harder for the initial lice to get established.

What is your source for this?

Lice are not getting established and infecting any child if the parents are checking every day anyway.

Tolerance to sensory struggles can vary according to dis regulation and other environmental factors.

If a child has sensory issues surely this can be easily resolved by cutting it? Short hair can't get tangly. It's a no brainer. It doesn't have to be a buzz cut even a bob is much easier to manage. If they struggle with a hairdresser you can cut it yourself while they are glued to a TV show or eating, I'm not saying it's easy but it's a one off rather than a daily battle. When my DS had sensory issues like this I had to cut his hair while he was asleep until he was school age. As he got older we watched multiple videos of barbers on YouTube. We visited the barbers to watch and desensitise. He had about 3 failed attempts before he allowed the barber touch his hair and it was scissors only for a long time. It's easier with girls hair, no noisy electric blades on their head. They can wear ear plugs in the salon and get a dry cut with no blow dry.

My dd had hair cutting phobias particularly round her ears hence the long hair. What works for one doesn’t always work with others.

That’s what I understood from the post too.

Exactly! What a patronising and ignorant comment

Neither of my kids ever got nits, even when we had the letters that they were going around the class. My kids also always had to have their hair tied up at primary - school didn’t make them but I did. I’m an ex teacher and my mum was a teacher. I don’t recall making nits either but do recall having to wear it tied up.

In nursery the home corner role play area was often rotated to be a hair salon so those with long hair could have it styled by one of the TAs into a tied back. My daughter loved it. Later on in her primary school one of the TAs that did breakfast and after school club was fab at French plaits and they both often asked her to do their hair. I was terrible at French plaits at that point. My youngest has curly hair that never looked tidy unless it was neatly done into a French plait. Now they’re both teens it’s less of an issue as school have rules for certain lessons such as science, food, PE so they have usually kept tying their hair up themselves. Curly hair child loves to try out different styles but can manage what’s needed and appropriate for what day now.

i should also add that both my kids have sensory issues due to ND. But it was a rule of keeping it short or having it long and thought back.

It’s nothing to do with nice girls, but those with waving unkempt hair will pick up lice quicker, it’s distracting when doing school work, falling in their eyes. I think she was trying to encourage DD to keep it back. She probably said lice.

My youngest has long, curly hair and I do tie it up or nursery even if she moans. Kids do put their heads together a lot at that age and nits get passes on easily. It also annoys her after a while anyway so is best kept off her face. When she is at home she can wear it as she likes.

At 7 I would put it up whilst at school and once home she can wear it now she likes.

And to those parents who say ‘ of my child doesn’t want their long hair tied back they won’t have it tied back’ you might find they are banned from some activities in school. Health and safety are priorities these days with risk assessments. In schools where cooking is carried out or using equipment in DT (secondary school) such as sanding machines or Bunsen burners in science etc, the rules are clear and non compliance means exclusion from the activity. Even PE staff can insist - hair getting pulled during a game of sport isn’t nice. Other places outside of school also have such rules. Clip and climb won’t let your child on and will give them an elastic band if you don’t take a bobble of your own.

My 7 year old DS has just past shoulder length curly hair that is only tied up for swimming, no one has ever said anything about it, wonder if it’s because he is a boy.

Not true and against disability law if they have autism, they need to find solutions.

https://educationhub.blog.gov.uk/2023/04/what-are-reasonable-adjustments-and-how-do-they-help-disabled-pupils-at-school/#:~:text=Schools%20should%20work%20with%20the%20pupil%2C%20their,work%20to%20provide%20similar%20support%20where%20needed.

I’m very well versed in reasonable adjustments. It’s literally my job. But you can’t allow a child to take part in something that is unsafe. I spend my days in and out of schools talking about reasonable adjustments which children need due to sensory difficulties due to their autism. Adjustments that don’t risk the safety of anyone. If hair needs to be out of the way for health and safety then they need to find a way for it to happen.

Then you should know schools must balance health and safety (H&S) regulations with disability discrimination law by making reasonable adjustments rather than using safety as an excuse to exclude disabled students. The Equality Act 2010 mandates inclusion, while the H&S at Work Act requires risk management. Properly managed, both can coexist without violating student dignity or safety.

Tell me you have no experience whatsoever of curly hair without telling me...

"Short hair can't get tangly..." lol.

That's before we got into the difficulties around persuading a little girl that she will still look beautiful with 'boy hair'.

Reasonable adjustments

Reasonable

Safety trumps everything

It is a very well known fact about lice.

The middle classes of yore associated cleanliness with godliness and lack of lice because the poor had little or no chance to bathe back in the day, and the poor were alleged to be crawling with lice of all stripes. Those mixed up attitudes toward persisted with no evidence to back them up.

As I said - schools must balance health and safety (H&S) regulations with disability discrimination law by making reasonable adjustments rather than using safety as an excuse to exclude disabled students. The Equality Act 2010 mandates inclusion, while the H&S at Work Act requires risk management. Properly managed, both can coexist without violating student dignity or safety.