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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying in touch with adult children

115 replies

TessaBessa · 16/04/2026 10:30

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

OP posts:
Lammveg · 16/04/2026 10:33

I'd raise it in a 'i would love to talk to you more often' rather than 'you dont talk to me enough'. Maybe a set day and time every 2 weeks or something?

FrenchandSaunders · 16/04/2026 10:36

If he's on the spectrum as you think he might be ... it could be a case of "out of sight out of mind" ... I've been reading quite a lot about this in relation to one of mine and her relationship history.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 16/04/2026 10:37

How often do you speak to him over WhatsApp?

HappiestSleeping · 16/04/2026 10:38

I wouldn't do either of those. Just call him at regular intervals, and if he doesn't answer, leave a friendly message.

If you want someone to spend time with you, it has to be a pleasant experience for them. In this instance, any sort of comment will make him feel pressured (rightly or wrongly), so just be breezy and never mention how long it has been since you spoke last.

I say this as I am a son, although I do have a fractious relationship with my mother. There is always some barb about how long it has been since we spoke, and yet she rings me every blue moon, and always with something she wants, never just to say hello.

EmeraldSlippers · 16/04/2026 10:38

How old is he? Do you go to visit him?

IndigoAlphaPapa · 16/04/2026 10:53

Sadly I think it's a boy thing. Try to be happy that you've bought up an independent young man who is happy with his life.

Catza · 16/04/2026 10:54

I only speak to my mum once every three months. We have a lovely relationship and spend hours on video call when we do connect. No, I don't wish to forget that she ever existed. I have no idea if she wants us to speak more often, she certainly never brought this up. We both have full lives, full time work, travel, hobbies which take up most of our evenings.

YowieeF · 16/04/2026 10:54

Similar situation with my ds, just let him grow.

Friendlygingercat · 16/04/2026 10:56

You should be glad that your son has successfully launched, established a relationship and begun a family of his own. As a parent your job is now done. He has other priorities.

I can honestly say that once I moved away from the city of my birth I forgot about my family for weeks/months on end. Fortunately there were only landlines in the 1980s and even when mobiles arrived I never admitted to having one. It was not so much that I hated my family. More that I was first studying and later working at a job which involved travelling so I never thought about them until they contacted me..

luckylavender · 16/04/2026 11:00

Could you go and visit them?

luckylavender · 16/04/2026 11:01

And cultivate a friendship with his partner

Feelingworried26 · 16/04/2026 11:04

My guess is that he still loves you all and is glad to speak if it happens, but otherwise, out of sight out of mind.
Don't ask him to speak on Mother's Day or your birthday, that's putting on pressure, and it's meaningless if you've made him do it. Instead you could ask him what the best time of the day/week is to catch him in and regularly ring him at that time, weekly or maybe fortnightly. If he doesn't pick up or call you back, try again the following week or fortnight. Leave a nice message each time saying you'd love to catch up with him and gf soon.

WasThatACorner · 16/04/2026 11:08

Could you start a family wattsapp for an online daily puzzle or talking about sport / news / whatever common interest?

It works well for my 3 (all different mixes of ND). Some days they don't engage, most days they do the puzzle and post their time. A few times a week it sparks a bit of a chat between everyone.

I agree with PP about 'out of sight, out of mind' may be a thing. Also, unless there is a reason for the contact he may struggle. So a general chitchat about "how's things" may feel pointless and a chore.

JustMarriedBecca · 16/04/2026 11:12

Get a family WhatsApp group. That's how we communicate more frequently. It allows contact at more convenient times for everyone.

Rodnd · 16/04/2026 11:20

As someone 25 living at home I would never dream of doing this to my parents if I lived out. When I lived out for a year for postgraduate education I called my family every day.

My mum calls her mum everyday.

Londonscallingme · 16/04/2026 11:21

Can you go visit him?

SnowFrogJelly · 16/04/2026 11:24

TessaBessa · 16/04/2026 10:30

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

No I don’t think you should accept that

My oldest moved to US and is not keen on calling but still we managed to speak around once a month. My other 2 in Uk not too far away I speak with around once a week to fortnight.

Tbh I think he’s out of order not to speak on Mother’s Day

SnowFrogJelly · 16/04/2026 11:25

Also see the 2 in UK fairly regularly

SnowFrogJelly · 16/04/2026 11:27

IndigoAlphaPapa · 16/04/2026 10:53

Sadly I think it's a boy thing. Try to be happy that you've bought up an independent young man who is happy with his life.

Don’t agree it’s a ‘boy’ thing at all

i speak to my youngest son very often

Hate it when people make out boys are all the same

Shallotsaresmallonions · 16/04/2026 11:28

My DH still sticks to the once a week videocall schedule he set with his parents when he moved out at 18!

Maybe you could suggest something like that?

saraclara · 16/04/2026 11:29

Don't ask him to speak on Mother's Day or your birthday, that's putting on pressure

I can't believe what I just read. If a mum can't ask for a chat on Mother's Day, what is she allowed to expect. Good grief.

Tableforjoan · 16/04/2026 11:29

Likely out of sight out of mind like others has said. My brother is very much like this and tbh dh is the same with his parents.

Just call him for a chat every so often and maybe start a whole family WhatsApp.

harrietm87 · 16/04/2026 11:32

I have a difficult relationship with my mum, who lives in a different country. She is retired and has no health issues whatsoever, and loves her grandchildren, yet she has decided that she won’t visit me, so if I want to see her I have to visit her. Obviously I have limited annual leave and am also restricted by school holidays, whereas she could in theory come any time and eg have a long weekend - we have a lovely guest suite in our house in London. She also complains constantly about me not phoning her enough, yet will never phone me, because I’m “so busy”. Yes, I am busy working a full time intense job and bringing up 2 small kids…so if she knows that why does she also complain about me? I find it bizarre and it’s really damaged our relationship. I used to WhatsApp her frequently during the day as I could more easily fit that in around work and kids etc, but she complained it was impersonal. She expects me to do all the running and it’s never enough/never good enough, even though I have so little time and she has it in abundance.

Anyway, based on that I think the best thing you can do is keep reaching out to your son and dont put expectations on him. Call him if you want to speak to him. Ask him if a regular slot would work. Send him a little message when you think of him. Let him know that you know he’s busy and has a full life but you’ll always be there for him.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 16/04/2026 11:36

Friendlygingercat · 16/04/2026 10:56

You should be glad that your son has successfully launched, established a relationship and begun a family of his own. As a parent your job is now done. He has other priorities.

I can honestly say that once I moved away from the city of my birth I forgot about my family for weeks/months on end. Fortunately there were only landlines in the 1980s and even when mobiles arrived I never admitted to having one. It was not so much that I hated my family. More that I was first studying and later working at a job which involved travelling so I never thought about them until they contacted me..

That’s so sad and unless you’re resentful somehow about your upbringing, frankly it’s a disgrace to have such a throw away mentality

herbalteabag · 16/04/2026 11:39

No, I don't think you should accept that this is the way it will be. My son in his 20s contacts me a lot. If yours is on the spectrum, from what I've observed from knowing other people is that they like to know what to expect and when to do it, rather than being spontaneous, so you should talk about when is a good day to stick to calling, perhaps?