Staying in touch with adult children

[TessaBessa]

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

It’s a saying but that doesn’t make it true

That awful saying shouldn’t be accepted. Surely borne from the expectation that communication is wife work.

Communication between generations should be modelled at home, and then basic expectations laid down. Not expecting a phone call/message on Mother’s Day (if you celebrate that) is a basic expectation to me

Me and my DH are like this with our families. We just have nothing in common. We're not really a fan of them and we're happy in our own lives and with our own kids.
I would say though that we both had unpleasant childhoods to say the least.

You should be glad that your son has successfully launched ...
I do not think there is any should about it.
You feel what you feel and that's OK. There is a mismatch between your needs here and it is causing you pain. You can only keep making contact in a low key and friendly way.
I do think there is some truth in the idea that girls make more effort to stay in touch with their families than boys.

@FlyingApple will you want communication with your adult DC?

I'm surprised how people can do this to loving caring parents. I used to have anger and resentment towards mine. A few years ago, I just realised how much they've supported me all through my life and all that anger went away.

Yes but we have brought them up completely different to how we were raised.

This is one of the most depressing and sad posts I have ever seen on here. I know young adults need to 'launch' and find their own way in life, and become independent, but forgetting about your family/parents for 'months on end' is deeply depressing. I don't know anyone (personally) who is like this, unless they have a completely broken relationship and have gone no-contact. Just not being arsed because you've got your own life is just awful.

My 2 DC - in their late 20s - are successful, well-educated, busy young professionals (who live 15-18 miles way,) and they have busy lives and hobbies and friends, but the idea of no contact because they CBA is unconscionable. Neither them or DH and I recognise this as anything we would ever do. (We see our DC 2-3 times a month, and speak via whatsapp most days.)

Never think about them unless they contact you? Wow!

And if they don't contact you, what would you do? Just forget they exist? Out of sight out of mind???

Baffled.

@TessaBessa YANBU, and it is very sad that your son is making so little effort. I know this is JMO, but I'm afraid I would withdraw and stop making so much effort. If a son CBA to contact/speak to his own mother, it's a sorry state of affairs. He should be showing you much more attention and thought. He'll be sorry when you're gone. Genuinely shoddy behaviour IMO. I know everyone is different/all families are different, but I find it batshit that some adult children DGAF about their parents. (When there has been no abuse of course...)

As I said, they'll be sorry when their parents are gone.

@HideousKinky I agree that people tend to become more family-oriented as they get into their 30's, but I think it's best to keep making the effort as you really don't know what the future holds. My Mum died when I was in my 20's and I'm so glad that I kept in weekly contact and visited. Not everyone is given time to reconnect later. I'd give alot to have a five-minute chat with her now.

@BatchCookBabe I've explained to DD that if I text her and don't hear back within about 48 hours, I'll be slightly worried. Just a one-word answer or "I'm really busy" lets me know that she's OK. I don't consider that to be "pressure" or an imposition, and she'd expect the same from me. We don't need to have regular lengthy chats unless she feels like it, but a quick text takes seconds.

I don't see anything wrong with some mutual respect/ courtesy.

I disagree. In my view, Mothers' Day is made-up nonsense. I can't speak for the OP's son, but I would be backing off from anyone who expected me to take it seriously. Let him contact you when he feels moved to do so, not because of some arbitrary date on the calendar.

Mother's Day in the UK has its origins in the 16th century custom of 'Mothering Sunday', which fell on the fourth Sunday of Lent.

I don’t call a tradition that originated in the 16th century ‘made up nonsense’

@TheDogBartholomew but if it is special to mum why wouldn’t you at least acknowledge it with a text or a phone call

I can honestly say that once I moved away from the city of my birth I forgot about my family for weeks/months on end

I sometimes think I inhabit a different universe from some on MN because this is not normal. And this:

Don't ask him to speak on Mother's Day or your birthday, that's putting on pressure

is just ridiculous.

The son sounds like a thoughtless little shit rather than the independent young man some are saying he is.

This would crush me. I speak to my older daughters on a daily basis. Their choice, not mine. Every few days would do me. But months! That’s sad.

I worry ds2 will be like this as he has selective mutism and doesn't talk much. With ds1 he has autism and I do a "photo of the day" for him where I take a photo a day and send it to him. He likes to be prepared of any changes when he comes home from university so it's a nice way of keeping him up to date with things at home.

I think you just have a rude son. That stupid saying is so wrong. I have 4 sons and in the end I end up saying, sorry got to go when on the phone , someones trying to ring me, and it will be another one of them.

You sound like such a lovely Mum @TessaBessa. I agree with everyone that you make an effort to keep in touch in an easy and relaxed way. There is so much pressure by society and on MN in particular for men to become more optionally available. It is in every one’s interests to ensure men retain their core relationships and become empathetic to the needs of those they profess to care about. It is important that your son recognises this and treats you properly.
I hope you have lovely friends, OP, who appreciate you. . You deserve much more.

I think start small and text the odd time and build up to a call if he feels overwhelmed by it all.

It is poor form not to call your own mum on Mother’s Day though, but telling him may push him away.

My DH though is average effort with his mum but could be better with visiting her more (even could take DC with him), and not relying on me to always attend too. He sticks with texting her most days of the week and the odd call occasionally. We all see each other every few weeks for a visit.

My family is the opposite though and would send out a search party if it was more than two weeks between visits. We also text during this time.

I don’t know why people say this.

Of course it’s not ‘true’ for every son, but it’s certainly a pattern that’s very recognisable in many families.

My brothers rarely contact unless its a topic that interests them. I set up a group chat where we just post silly things we see out and about - funny signs, weird flavour foods etc which is a low pressure way of keeping in contact without actually having to communicate more than putting a reaction on a picture. I hate phone calls. My Dad is very out of sight out of mind and we can go months without talking but he'll always reply if I message him first and I send occasional photos of the kids etc. He'll usually video call on the kids birthdays (though has forgotten mine at least once!)

I'd accept that phone calls aren't his thing and he wants space but you can message once a week or so just a funny photo or general "hope your week went well" sort of thing that doesn't require a reply but shows you care.

Do you have the funds to suggest a night away you / your husband him and his partner? Dinner and sight seeing….

Why do you have to rely on courtesy ? Its your anxiety/insecurity speaking. It is nobody else's job to ease that, especially not your daughter's. It is weird having to be in contact within 48hrs. I bet your daughter feels an obligation.

I agree with you. The relationship should be easy, not pressured. If he doesn't call on mother's day or any other time take this as an opportunity to reflect when the relationship truly broke down.

There is a theory that parents fail to change the relationship with their male children when they are teenagers into adulthood because of stereotypes and sons do then not keep in contact as much as adults.

@Screamingabdabz but is that partly as parents we excuse boys from communicating (even if we are doing that unconsciously)

Whatsapp is great if phone calls aren’t your thing.

DS is at uni, and we wanted him to live his life and not feel he had to communicate in detail every day but we did want to hear from him reasonably regularly. It is very rare if we don’t have a daily message on the family WhatsApp, even if it is just ‘hi’. We also chat about tv programs we all watch like The Apprentice, send silly reels etc to help keep lines of communication open. We also have a weekly video call whenever it fits in with him.

He has a GF so we know we have moved down the pecking order, but he still communicates with us. He knows things like Mother’s Day is important to me so will send a card and little gift. Don’t expect him to come back from uni though. Interestingly he had to remind his GF when Mother’s Day was!

He also communicates independently with other relatives.

Hopefully, with these roots in place this will continue as he moves on with life