Staying in touch with adult children

[TessaBessa]

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

I wonder what he'd say about his childhood. If he knows you're unlikely to take accountability he probably feels it's a pointless exercise trying to talk to you about any issues.

Definitely not a boy thing , or a ‘on the spectrum’ thing as our adult son is both of those and rings me most nights on his drive home from work and visits in the school holidays for a couple of nights .

I have a husband (also undiagnosed but fairly obvious to anyone who knows him that he's on the spectrum) who is very much like this. He has very little interest in speaking to his parents unless there is a point to the conversation, and next to no interest in his siblings and their children. We live a plane ride away so don't get to see them often but he's perfectly nice to them when we do.

I just wanted to say - please don't blame your daughter in law as many people seem to do in posts like this, chances are it's nothing to do with her. I've tried very hard over the years to keep contact regular and make him visit but it's a bit soul destroying. I really feel for his mum. I do second the recommendation for a family whatsapp group though, it does help a lot.

I think it depends on your relationship and what calls/chatting looks like. My family don’t do lots of calls but it’s very unusual for our WhatsApp group to be silent for more than a day. There’s a lot of joking and stupidity on there but with my parents, siblings and partners on there, we all know vaguely what everyone’s up to. When I do call my parents, it’ll be for a proper catch up (I miss talking to them) or with some actual news. I would (and have) called them if I need help/support too.

We’ve never done a weekly scheduled call and I’d never agree to one because I call my parents when I fancy a chat and they do the same. Maybe I’m boring but I wouldn’t have anything to tell my parents every week - we have two small kids and the days are pretty repetitive! Linked to this, I also find the scheduled calls a little forced. The only people I know who do scheduled calls spend however long making small talk and slightly begrudge it as it tends to fall at a time when the kids are tricky or dinner is almost ready. Plus, it’s all surface level chat. I’m sure lots of people have delightful weekly chats. My point is that this shouldn’t necessarily be the aim. Call or message your son if you have news or if you miss speaking to him. If he doesn’t pick up, leave a message and hopefully he’ll at least message back. Or message him with no pressure to reply. Don’t use guilt to force connection. The aim is for him to want to say hi, not to feel obligated. Lots of adult children are struggling with their own lives, feeling pulled in different directions. Try not to take it personally and keep showing him you’re there when he does have a moment!

Yes i also think a family what's app group is good.

One of my grown up DCs is a bit crap at calls or arranging things but i know she loves me and her sisters and she reads our what's app group and chimes in occasionally. If directly called upon she's always there. She's 'moved away' (half an hour up the road into town. The rest of us still
live in the village 🤣) and just isn't as in each others pockets as we are.

I can't judge her harshly because i'm quite shit at keeping in touch with people i don't see at least every few days too.

DH is exactly the same. He has his family what's app and reads it daily (MIL and SIL pinging away constantly, BILs less so) but he doesn't post on it unless directly addressed. He's not keen on phone calls with them. Runs out of stuff to say. He still loves them tho 😊

I’d say I love catch up would it be ok if we spoke every other Sunday (or similar) Or use messaging if he prefers.
Do you visit him?
He may be straight forward on his thinking - I have nothing to say so no need to ring rather than thinking it’s been x time since we spoke i should ring.

Does he actually like phone calls as well? Some people hate them with a passion.

I’ll take a call but I’m also a just text me and then I can get back to you when I do.

i have adult children. Your child has grown so much and so successfully. He’s started a whole new life in another area. Be proud of that. Accept that’s closer to her family just because he lives there. Accept that he’s busy with a new life.
i don’t think or imagine for 5 mins that he wished he wasn’t part of you. Firstly I think he’s a boy 😊 which whatever is said, it is harder to keep them closer imo, the partner will always come first, as it should be. Secondly just keep calling every now and again, leave him messages telling him that you love him and would like to speak to him, that you miss him. Obviously don’t do it daily etc as he will see that as pressure, but all you can do is just try and keep in touch with him.
are you in touch with the partner? How much effort do you make to speak with her, keep up with her news etc? I had a lovely relationship with my MIL, I try hard to keep in touch with my DILs. My DILs are of a different generation, it’s very much her mum and then I’m her partners mum and it’s all up to my son…but I do try to keep in touch, send messages etc.
are you able to visit? I understand everyone’s busy but what if you made plans far ahead, twice a year or something? Tell them they don’t have to put you up or take time off work, that your just like a meal together whilst you’re there.
hope you work it out 🫶

What sapping is just not the same as actually talking

Totally agree

The saying a son is only a son until he get a wife springs to mind. I would still check in but manage expectations and force it.

My dh is autistic and never contacts his mum. I've said I'd be heartbroken if our ds is like that but he said it's always been the way and she's used to it. I feel really sorry for her! So yes maybe it is his autism. Just keep chatting at your end. She sends him a weekly message and he does respond but just never starts anything. I make him to call her on Mother's Day and her birthday

I think it's a bit odd/outdated to "call over Whatsapp". Can't you just send a cheery Whatsapp message a couple of times a week? Something that you think would make him smile, or a photo, or a bit of news if you have it?

I think short and jolly is the best approach with adult children. Definitely not calls!

(I'm assuming you mean you are calling him.)

I’ve had periods when contact with one of my children has been infrequent. To me it’s about making the effort, but also not making too much of a thing of it. We have a family WhatsApp group and we can ping messages to each other, anyone who wants to reply can. Often it gets a little convo going. Two of my DC have a difficult relationship but they seem to communicate better through WhatsApp.

Obviously nothing beats being able to spend meaningful time together, but keeping the channels of communication open goes a long way.

Why should she be ‘glad’ to spend her life raising a child who wants nothing more to do with her because now he has ‘other priorities’? Jeez that’s a horrible and cruel thing to say.

She’s not ‘done’ clearly. She loves him, misses him and would like some sort of relationship with him. That’s not unreasonable from the person that gave birth to you and brought you up.

I feel sorry for your family.

My ds & I aren’t keen on phone calls so we text sporadically but it’s definitely me that sends more!
We’ve got a shared love of music/gigs so I tend to focus on that and we send each other clips etc - do you have anything specific in common with your son?

I think someone else mentioned his partner? Sounds like a very established relationship, do you not have a friendship with her? I have really made an effort to get to know my son’s girlfriend and arrange to visit them both, take them out etc I now text her as well as him and we get on well and have started buying Christmas & birthday gifts etc for one another.

Not all boys. I have regularly contact with my son as my husband did with his mother

Have you got family WhatsApp? Do you have a family pet, picture of them can sometimes initiate a chat.

Good heavens that is very sad. I assume you don't have children yourself?
You never stop being a parent. It doesn't matter how old your children are.
I am very pleased my adult children don't have your attitude.
OP I think you should just keep sending him bright and breezy friendly whats App messages. Invite him to visit, ask him if he would like you to visit him etc. don't put too much pressure on him but keep up the contact.

I would find it hurtful if DS did this, and it should not just be accepted as a boy thing. We encourage communication with him whilst he is at uni, but don’t go overboard with it

DH has at least weekly contact with his DM. But I will also message her independently. Do you have a relationship with his partner?

Yes jolly is much better approach! These days I prefer the occasional WA with my Mum, mainly to avoid the complaining, gossip and occasional TMI. I do call at special occasions though.

I agree @saraclara. Tbh, I think it's fine to have some expectations regarding contact.

When I first moved away in my 20's, my Mum told me that she expected a weekly phone call and we stuck to that unless one of us was away as we only had landlines then. I didn't feel under pressure at all, it was a good way of keeping in touch. Nowadays it's easier to text, that's what I mainly do with DD (20) and we chat whenever she feels like it.

How old is your son?
I have 3 daughters and my experience is that they go off out into the world in their 20s and you see less of them, but as they get into their 30s and beyond they tend to become more family orientated again

As others have suggested set up a family WhatsApp group and include his partner. We did this and everyone sends messages with snippets of news, photos etc.

I have two sons one of whom lives overseas. We maybe video call each other other once a month or so just depending on time difference. My youngest lives 30 minutes away. We very rarely call but do see him regularly.