Staying in touch with adult children

[TessaBessa]

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

@Twatalert I don't think it's weird to be concerned about a 20-year-old if they don't respond to a text within a couple of days. We all have our phones on us, and it takes seconds to text.

Yes, she'll feel an obligation and what's wrong with that? She's a three-hour plane ride away, I've explained my reasons to her, and she's accepted them. We have a close relationship, and she def. tells me if she disagrees with me on something! She doesn't have an issue with this so we're fine.

My elderly Dad likes me to ring him most days - that's also an obligation, but I've agreed to it, so that's OK too. Some parents seem almost afraid to ask their adult children to do anything now, I don't think that's particularly healthy tbh.

Most of my partners in the past have been like this with their parents.They have needed prompting to contact their parents. It's not that they haven't loved them, they just seem to expect to be contacted and not to make contact themselves. I don't want to say "it's a man thing" because my DH is a bit more proactive with his parents. But...I don't know many women who will "forget" to talk to parents for months on end.

Set up a family watts app and use that as a way of communicating without the pressure. That's what we have done with our kids and we also have separate ones with our extended family. Its not always serious convos' we post memes and jokes, recipes we would think the other would like. It keeps it informal and keeps us connected. If there was anything more serious that needed a one to one conversation then we would message or call individually.

Don't make it a chore otherwise you will push him further away from you.

Gosh. Asking for a call on birthday and Mother’s Day is pressure? It’s 2 days a year. My male cousins even manage to call me on my birthday without asking.

It is. Like why do you have to ask? I'd feel pathetic having to ask. I'd feel pressured if I was asked. He either wants to give a call on mother's day or he does not. Both is to be accepted. I'd ask myself why he wouldn't want to speak to me. And I'd ask myself why I would not want to speak to my mother on mother's day.

The relationship should be easy. It should feel easy wanting to wish your mum a nice day on mother's day, not because she asked.

The poster is bang on.
I moved to another country, also raised in 1980s.
OP's son would have credible reasons, don't worry.

Your son still loves you and your family. I think he trusts you so much that he feels it’s okay not to contact you for a while unless there is news to share.
My mum and I are very close, but I only call her once a month—twice at most as we are both busy with our lives.
I have a full-time job, a family with a primary school-aged child, my child’s extracurricular activities, and I'm studying for qualifications. Between that and going out as a family or catching up with friends on weekends, it takes up much more time than you might imagine.

My in-laws are trying to force a connection with my DH. They try to make us feel guilty for not contacting or meeting them more often (even if it's only been two weeks). Since they are retired and have no friends or hobbies, they might be focusing all their thoughts on their son. To be honest, they should find something to keep themselves busy.

He's probably just not organised or thoughtful. You'll have to do all the running. Say you want to make plans to meet and get actual dates off him for a regular lunch or something.

I think that asking for a call on a birthday is pressure. Hoping for or expecting a call is fair enough, but if someone has shown by past behaviour that they don't think of doing it, and are therefore likely to forget in future, you are setting them up to fail and setting yourself up for disappointment.

it's definitely not. boy thing.
He doesn't sound like a kind living son.
A mother shouldn't have to ask if she can speak to her son on mother's day and be told he's going out wow.
He better hope he doesn't have children and they don't do the same thing to him.

Suggesting it's a boy thing is an awful stereotype.
let him come to you now op.

If I ever moved abroad I'd still call and be in touch with my parents.

My mum moved abroad and would do one call a week.

In my experience, gay men make the most communicative and openly caring sons!

That's based on two sons whose parents are my friends, and two gay male friends. The sons of my friends spoil them rotten, and the guys who are my friends talk about their mums with so much love, and pop in to see them almost every day!

They all have partners who are equally positive about their mums in law. No DIL equivalent issues here!

So if I was planning on having kids now, I'd order at least one gay son 😅

@saraclara that must be why mine is so good 🤣

I agree with what some pp have said about, 'out of sight, out of mind'. The fact that he is friendly when you do speak, to me, indicates it's not that he doen't want contact, it just doesn't cross his mind and if there no set purpose to talk the chat won't last long.

I do think this tendency is more commom amongst men. (Not all men and not just men, but more likely.)

My husband was like this when we got together in our early 30s. His dad had a quiet word about phoning more regularly. He has got a lot better since we had children and calls once a week.

My brother is also pretty rubbish at ever being in touch with my parents and me. When I raised it once he was genuinely surprised he hadn't spoken to any of us for months.

I think the approach of 'I'd love a bit more regular contact rather than why don't you contact me' is a good suggestion. Can we have day/time whem we do check in and/or setting up a family whatsapp.

Cld one of the siblings have a word too? I've spoken to my brother about making more effort with our parents, esp as they're not in such good health now and to be fair he has. Probably not hugely protracted conversations, but he does check in more.

From your post it sounds like you're being considerate and don't want to be overbearing, but wanting regular contact with your adult children isn't at all unreasonable - assuming a healthy background and no legitimate reasons for LC or NC - but you might have to spell it out more. Good luck.

You can see why there are some really shit men who do nothing for their partners for their birthdays etc.

Surely you teach your DC that mum likes to be treated on Mother's Day, in the same way it is nice to have a treat on your birthday. That is not putting pressure on them, that is teaching them common decency and manners. Obviously if you think Mother's Day is a pile of commercial crap then you don't have to teach them that. It is also important that you treat them decently throughout the year too, not just on that day, and that can include regular communication.

talk about some people setting the bar low on here.
Telling OP it's a man thing, she should chase him. It's dreadful. That's his mum, the one who gave birth to him and loved him. Wiped his grazed knee and dried his tears as a child and more than likely put him before herself on alot of occasions.

If he can't be bothered to ever contact her it shows the sort of person he is. He is failing miserably as a son and he doesn't deserve her.

Or it may show the kind of relationship the parents have (not) built with their child.

That may work for you, but most people would find a call every day to be totally suffocating, tbh.

This! I think it's called object permanence?

My mum calls her mum everyday. Just for 5 minutes. 5 minutes out of a 24 hour day.

When I lived out in UG I called 2-3 times a week. I'd never just ignore my family.

Me too. I have one son who will probably forget to call me when he leaves home because he just doesn't really think. That's what he does with his Dad who I am separated from.

My other son who doesn't live at home calls me all the time, even just to see what I'm up to or because he's bored. People are different, it's nothing to do with gender.

I would be upset OP. Not calling on Mothers Day is pretty rubbish. If he is ND then he probably just doesn't think it's an issue (former son I spoke of is suspected ND), but you can absolutely raise it. I would. Mine are young adults though so not sure if that will change as they get older? I hope not! But either way I feel I should be able to be open about my feelings to my children and they should feel the same way if something was upsetting them.

I phone my DM every day but only started that after DF died, and they are short phone calls. She also doesn’t use internet/tech so texts/WhatsApp wouldn’t be any good for her.

How often do you talk and how often would you like to?

I'd say I talk to my mum on average once a month (via WhatsApp, not a phone call) and my dad every other month (again text based, not phone call).

I have a good relationship with both.

My 4 boys are a nightmare, they contact once in a blue moon, the girls are on the phone constantly. I think it is a boy thing.

@ERthree did you bring them up like that? What is their dad like? Do you contact them and do they then ignore you?