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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Staying in touch with adult children

115 replies

TessaBessa · 16/04/2026 10:30

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

OP posts:
Flushitdown · 17/04/2026 20:02

ERthree · 17/04/2026 19:38

My 4 boys are a nightmare, they contact once in a blue moon, the girls are on the phone constantly. I think it is a boy thing.

Not a boy/girl thing. My sister and 2 of my brothers are great at keeping in contact, me (female) and one of my brothers are just plain awful.

Netcurtainnelly · 17/04/2026 20:14

ERthree · 17/04/2026 19:38

My 4 boys are a nightmare, they contact once in a blue moon, the girls are on the phone constantly. I think it is a boy thing.

it's not as discussed.

Netcurtainnelly · 17/04/2026 20:16

Rodnd · 16/04/2026 18:12

I'm surprised how people can do this to loving caring parents. I used to have anger and resentment towards mine. A few years ago, I just realised how much they've supported me all through my life and all that anger went away.

yes and when they die all these non bothered people will regret it.

Dappy777 · 17/04/2026 20:18

Often it is the partner. I have seen it time and again, especially if they are very attractive. The man (or woman, but usually man) becomes infatuated, his new partner either doesn’t like the in-laws or just can’t be bothered with all the social awkwardness, and that’s that. The son has to choose. If she is very attractive, he knows she would soon find someone else.

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 17/04/2026 20:27

ERthree · 17/04/2026 19:38

My 4 boys are a nightmare, they contact once in a blue moon, the girls are on the phone constantly. I think it is a boy thing.

It's not. My eldest son is never off the phone to me. Youngest still lives at home so not sure how he'll go, but I can imagine with him it'll be me getting in touch first mostly. Different personalities.

Bluespottedfrog · 17/04/2026 22:05

Shallotsaresmallonions · 16/04/2026 11:28

My DH still sticks to the once a week videocall schedule he set with his parents when he moved out at 18!

Maybe you could suggest something like that?

I have spoken to my parents every Sunday and Thursday night for the last 32 years since I first went to university!

Petrie999 · 18/04/2026 07:45

If he has autistic traits he may struggle with small talk or chats which don't serve a clear function. Its not hurtful he may just not see the point or understand fhe social implications of such little contact. He may also struggle without face to face as it may be tiring for him to interpret and respond to everything without clear cues. He may not even be aware of this. If he has any interests that you can share or connect with remotely eg puzzle app as others have suggested then this could work great.

Pherian · 18/04/2026 11:21

TessaBessa · 16/04/2026 10:30

Adult son is three years in to good relationship with nice woman. He's moved 300 miles away to her home town. He doesn't contact us (self, husband, other siblings) and only visits under sufferance, although I can sometimes catch him for a chat via Whatsapp and he's lovely when I do, even if he has to go quickly to do stuff. It seems like he would like to forget we ever existed. I don't think he had a bad upbringing and when he lived with us we got on really well. He's undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum. I'm worried that if I raise this as an issue it will just push him away. I don't think he means to be hurtful but sometimes he really is - for example I asked if we could chat on mother's day and he said no because he was going out with his partner's family. I hear about adult children 'going no contact' these days, something I definitely want to avoid. Should I just accept that it's great he's happy and doesn't need his mum anymore?

Your son is just busy with his own life. He isn’t going no contact, otherwise you wouldn’t have his number, you wouldn’t know anything about him.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 18/04/2026 13:53

If he's probably autistic, there's a good chance he just forgets. I'm autistic and I only remember to text family and friends because I've made it a daily habit.

Just a note, as well, most autistic people I've talked about this with hate the term "on the spectrum". It sounds ableist, even if you don't mean it that way.

Sunnydays60 · 18/04/2026 14:36

Just out of interest, I found a government survey that suggests 73% of women call their mum once a week compared to 52% of men. So yes, not all men, but statistically contact is higher with girls. That's not an excuse for men and there's definitely factors that might affect this statistic, like style of upbringing, but isn't this part of what we're noticing when we see these trends? (and why it's important to notice and question them?).

I've had a variety of contact with my now deceased parent. I remember him getting very upset that I wasn't calling enough - to put it into context, he left the country and rarely called me - so we arranged for me to call him weekly. He then moved in with a girlfriend and needed less support/presence from me so then we were talking perhaps once a month or so (when I rang, unless it was a big calendar event but in his later years he was more forgetful so birthdays and Christmas didn't get as much attention from him). Sad to say I can't really remember what contact was like with my mother as it's so long ago now. I imagine we probably talked once a week or two when I was at uni (and my dad wouldn't have been that bothered to speak to me then as he had someone in the house with him).

I don't know OP, I feel like it's more than likely "out of sight, out of mind" rather than intentional avoidance - if you're happy you've got a good relationship. I don't see that there should be a problem with saying that you'd like to talk more and asking how he could see that working? Others on here have alluded to the fact that the relationship might not be as good as you think. I feel like, if you have a good relationship, this request should be discussed easily and matter of factly and he can suggest the frequency of contact that feels comfortable (even if means he tells you he thinks that the current set up is fine). If he feels like you've somehow put an unfair burden on him by mentioning it or decides to withdraw after that point, it might be sad but then at least you know where you are I suppose? If all the contact relies on you at the moment, you probably won't have lost much (would a simple request irk him enough that he would stop picking up your calls? Then I suppose it could be the relationship isn't as good as thought).

The thing about mother's day - it's a hard one. Likely a ND person isn't seeing the bigger picture here and might not see a reason to call. I find navigating all this kind of stuff hard. People always say that no one is responsible for someone else's happiness (I see a lot mentioned on MN that kids don't owe their parents anything and, usually in different kinds of posts, that parents don't owe their kids anything)... Which on the one hand I agree with, kind of.... But relationships would be weird things if the people in them didn't ever consider what's important to the other person and were only thinking about themselves all the time. Surely there's need for a bit of give and take?

I hope you find a balance that keeps you both content OP. Even if you don't mention anything, I'd keep calling rather than giving up. I know I'd love a call from anyone really. Even though he didn't give much, I miss having my dad to call just to keep someone up to date with stuff and to keep up to date with them. Not having anyone's regular updates and having noone to update now (at still a fairly young age) feels odd. Your son might be benefitting without really knowing at the moment.

Morepositivemum · 18/04/2026 15:05

Friendlygingercat · 16/04/2026 10:56
You should be glad that your son has successfully launched, established a relationship and begun a family of his own. As a parent your job is now done. He has other priorities.

God I hate the phrase ‘failure to launch’ when someone stays around their family! He launched so all done?! Really? Op should just leave it at that?! Db was very busy, you’d say he launched successfully, when df died he was in bits realising he hadn’t spent his adult years with his dad. And it’s been the same with a number of friends, some who realised before it was too late, others who didn’t. An adult is not well rounded if they decide their family is less important than everything else!!

Netcurtainnelly · 18/04/2026 16:45

Pherian · 18/04/2026 11:21

Your son is just busy with his own life. He isn’t going no contact, otherwise you wouldn’t have his number, you wouldn’t know anything about him.

another awful cop out suggestion. Busy with his own life. He should never be too busy to phone his own mum occasionally or go and see her.
One day she wont be here

Pherian · 18/04/2026 16:51

"One day she wont be here"

Are you telling your kids "one day I wont be here " because statements like these are about guilt, control, fear, and compliance.

Really not healthy ways to have relationships with anyone.

BruFord · 19/04/2026 00:59

Pherian · 18/04/2026 16:51

"One day she wont be here"

Are you telling your kids "one day I wont be here " because statements like these are about guilt, control, fear, and compliance.

Really not healthy ways to have relationships with anyone.

@Pherian In general, I agree with you, although we're realistic with our children (20 and 17) about the limited time that we have left with their remaining grandparents. They're in their mid-late 80's and we're all agreed that we need to make an effort, because time with them is obviously limited.

Pherian · 19/04/2026 10:40

BruFord · 19/04/2026 00:59

@Pherian In general, I agree with you, although we're realistic with our children (20 and 17) about the limited time that we have left with their remaining grandparents. They're in their mid-late 80's and we're all agreed that we need to make an effort, because time with them is obviously limited.

Having an agreement for grandparents in their 80's I think is reasonable.

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