Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

This is the way.

This is an old fashioned idea but would he hand his entire wage over to you?

You then give him something for spending, pay in to a savings account for him, possibly a pension and maybe a holiday fund.

That's a strange attitude - he might be the foreman by then or running his own business. He could be on over 100k - he'll still need a deposit. Might also be buying with a partner with savings and a decent income.

Would you suggest OP tells her son "You'll never afford a house so spend all your money on alcohol and fried chicken and stay living in your childhood bedroom into your 50s and beyond?"

My DS(17) Started his apprenticeship in September he gets paid £1300 (very slightly under this) a month he gives me £120 per month, he has currently got £3750 saved.
DS(24) brings home £1880( sometimes up to £2400 with overtime) he pays me £250 a month and currently has £38,700 saved and he has bought a car outright for just under £5K, he looking at buying this year as he's finally been promoted meaning a payrise.
Both son's are social and go to lots of local gigs plus festivals etc. In the world of equality I've taught both of them that if they have girlfriends yes it's nice to treat them however this should be equal and not them funding their nights out, I've never expected it from and a man and value my independence and if girl truly likes them then she won't expect that from them.

Twothings I would be doing is encouraging him to take out insurance that pays if injured/unwell for a length of time if self employed.
My Brother is a builder and broke his arm, luckily he had taken out insurance to cover loss of wages as a result of illness and injury so I would definitely see that he did this, if nothing else.
The other thing is that he has to pay rent/keep if he’s struggling to manage his money. Wether or not you give it back to him/or let him know you will is another matter but he has to get used to paying out a sum each week/month for rent/bills.
My DH was charged £75 pw by his parents 25 years ago, he didn’t like it and moved out into a room in a shared house for similar money.
When I was at home I paid the difference in council tax for me being there (one parent family) and 1/3 of water and electricity.
I was expected to save half of my wages each month and start a private pension.
When I met my DH (both early 20’s) he had no savings despite him earning treble what I did and I had enough for a small deposit.
Personally I would charge lower keep money and not give it back then take it off him to return at a later date.
If he’s struggling to save and wants to give you money to keep hold of for him then that’s different and I would offer to do it that way.

He doesn't know how privileged he is to be in this position, having that much disposable income at 21 and living practically rent free at his parents. I would start charging him "rent" and if you opt to put that aside and give it him back thats up to you. When I was that age, I had to pay my parents nearly 1/3 of my monthly wage as board (and never got it back towards a house of my own)

I would be taking more than that, and setting a date for him to grow up and move out. He's basically pissing over 14k up the wall every year. If he isn't taking your advise, stop enabling him! He'll still be with you at 50.

It does sound reasonable, especially as you intend to save most of it for your son.

However don't forget he is only 21, at his age enjoying himself and not having too much in the way of responsibilities is a fine thing and doesn't last forever.

How controlling. I'd move out. I'd rather pay more than live with controlling, interfering parents as a full adult. He could move in with his GF and share the costs.

I moved out at 18, and it never occurred to me that my parents had any right to dictate how I'm supposed to spend MY OWN money. Never mind giving it TO THEM, how ridiculous. Don't you earn your own? Yes, I wasted plenty of it when young. Parties, clothes, makeup, takeaways, crap. It was fun, and I regret nothing.

Now I'm in my 30s, have my business and own a house.

Hope he moves out and lives his life.

I agree with this comment, but I also agree with you. Once you calculate this monthly this is £800 a month which is more than rent on a flat. I get that that does not include bills but you have to have a balance with your son. This might get me some backlash but I also wouldn’t tell him he’s going to get it back, I would just tell him he needs to start paying rent at £100 per week, and then he keeps the other bills he is paying, this is showing hi. That he has to pay rent and bills at once. Then it will be a nice surprise when he starts to think about moving out that he has either a full deposit ready or at least some to put towards it.

One of mine, autistic, used to give any money he had away. We cottoned on very quickly - we are talking money for sweets as a kid level and we made a plan with him where he had an allowance which he had to put some money into a save pot and some into a spend pot every month. It helped him understand that if he kept the money he would be able to buy things in the future. He was about 8/9 when we started to implement the support. He moved into a flat with his partner at 21.

They’re not though. They’re forcing him to save.But FWIW, “boarding” which includes services such as having food stores constantly replenished, never mind cooked and ready to eat would certainly cost £200 week. And even if that wasn’t the case, she’s perfectly entitled to take far more than the local cost of renting as a way of doing his saving for him. If he doesn’t like it he can leave and pay less nearby - he’s not being held prisoner, and the money is going to go to him in the longer term anyway.

There are some bizarre responses on this thread

OP, it might help your ds to understand finances if you did a spreadsheet which shows how much a third, or a quarter, his contributions to the family household bills could (or should?) be, so that he gets an idea of what it might be like living in a shared house or one bed flat with his gf.

Food, gas, electricity, Council Tax, water rates, buildings/contents insurance, tv licence and tv subscriptions, internet, parking permit/travel costs etc

And that's before rent or mortgage costs, let alone social life! Ditto you and dh probably having to act as guarantors (assuming you are home owners)

I don't think you are familiar with the costs of renting around London.

Yeah £800 wont rent you a parking space.

You mention his girlfriend-do you mean he is the only one spending? Seems really old-fashioned for the man to be paying for everything, unless there's a reason she can't work? Fair enough if they had kids and chose to do things that way, but it doesn't seem right for him to spend a lot on her and give you nothing!

If that's not the case, and you meant they both go out together and both spend, then fair enough. But I wouldn't be letting my bf pay for all the dates, and I certainly wouldn't pay for everything, if I was still young and dating!

This is why not everyone lives in London!

I didn’t take a penny off my four children when they were still at home, I couldn’t get my head around the idea of their own home, which they had lived in since their births, was suddenly a rental property.
They saved with their partners and all have their own homes.
Before anyone says it, no I was and still am far from well off.

What a disgusting, misogynistic thing to say!
What is wrong with you?

And I don’t blame them! If it wasn’t for work I’d never have come here!

One of our middle sons just turned 25. He and his twin brother were in uni when Covid hit. They came home while we were all under lockdown but when it came time to go back to the dorms, one son stayed home and finished school from home. He has gone on to work a stable, well paying ($90,000 usd)position and is still living at home. He has saved well over $50k. We do not ask him to contribute rent of any kind. He buys some groceries, pays for takeaways now and then and will clean the bathroom when asked. At this point I am feeling like he should be paying something towards expenses. Besides our pension and retirement related savings he has more money that wwe do! LOL. I am unsure how to bring it up after all this time!

Young men do also need to be told not to spend all their money on silly, low-aspiration girlfriends who will no doubt move on to the next person who can fund their false eyelash and duck lips habits.

Just a tad misogynistic...

Ah good that he's realised it himself and is looking for help from you both!

We told our kids - but that we expected them to save for their deposit and we won't charge them rent but if they didn't save and we noticed excessive spending and using a rent free existence to live a luxury lifestyle then we would change them market "rent" and openly save it for them to pay for their deposit.
Obviously I'd rather they behaved like adults and saved money themselves - but if they weren't able to we said we'd force their hand. If they didn't want to pay us rent or save they'd have to move out.
Fortunately they are sensible and they save around £1000/month.