Son and his money!

[Happyhorse222]

Good Morning,

Need some advice on what others would do with the following:

DS- 21 in a trade earning £480 a week paid weekly- sometimes more if he works a Saturday. We told him to pick a bill to pay so he covers the wifi and water bill.

Me/ dad cook for the entire family in the evenings (we really enjoy it as a couple), so whilst he knows how to cook and helps us occasionally I still do all the family meals so he only has to buy extra snacks for himself that he wants outside of my normal food shop.

He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am- does come home and clean/tidy up, does his washing etc but that's by the by he should be doing that at 21 anyway.

Unfortunately after a year of work he has only saved £750. Told us he is spending on food at work- taking gf out etc.

He wants to buy a house and absolutely can by late 20's if he saved. But he isn't. He is regularly out of money before the next Friday. He keeps saying he wants to but just doesn't!

Husband is saying he will be telling him from Friday he is to pay us £200 rent a week, which leaves him £280 per week for his own spending.

This money we would be taking in rent will be going into our savings account to save pretty much on his behalf and give back to him.

I haven't been in this situation before and would obviously like to help him save but I also don't want to baby him. My other kid has saved birthday/ Christmas money religiously and has a frigging budget sheet per month with her job and I gave them both the same upbringing so it's driving me insane he keeps saying he wants to do it and then not doing it, but I am also blue in the face from the MULTIPLE conversations/ suggestions we have made and had for him to save.

He has 0 to pay for so is this a reasonable way of doing something he will thank us later for or are we just teaching him we will sort out any problems he has and never have to do it himself. Will be taking the bills he pays back into our finances should we charge the rent instead.

Aghhhh parenting!

You're absolutely right, I always think it's not a good idea when parents do this.

Once again...she wants to buy not rent 😂. Read what I have said if you would like a proper discussion.

OP’s son is in London.
People easily pay more than that for a room in a shared house.

Hahaha seriously?!?! £800 for rent and bills … no chance, unless you live in a shed and don’t eat!

2 grand a month at 21 years old … easily. IF he’s taught how to manage his money, But not by his money being controlled by his mum.

It's not a room in a shared house though, he's living in the family home.

That's literally what she said she would do...!

OP i think that's absolutely fine, my only issue is it will actually end up costing you and your DH more if he stops paying the bills and then you give the whole amount back to him. I'd either ask him to keep paying the bill and reduce the "rent" to £150 (or whatever), or just take the £200 rent but keep the amount of the bill and save the rest - not to be mean but, saving or not it's fair for him to contribute in some (and lets face it its very small) way to the household.

Also if he wants more money he should be working more than what sounds like 4 hours a day! Even if this means taking a second job a few evenings a week. Plus more time working = less time to spend money!

Yes , sort of, but you still not teaching him to save for himself
Just teaching him to spend

Stick it in premium bonds for him @Happyhorse222 so you have the chance of winning each month to increase the pot you have to return to him

He's literally just messaged my husband saying please from tomorrow can I give you £200 and you save £150 for me. We are going to set him up one of the suggested Isa methods! But he has come to us with the exact same plan so phew!

@Happyhorse222 He is up at 6am finishes at around 11am

An after-tax income of £480 a week (£1920 a month) is massive for a part-time job.

I'm really in the wrong work.

Why is he not working full time?

Yes and they would have to plan their meals, shop for all their food and cook it. Right now he gets meals provided and cooked. He only has to pay for snacks. They would have to keep on top of stock levels too, toiletries, household stuff as well as basics in the food cupboard. I am not saying he isn't capable but he has it good at home.

Because mine lived away at uni and Ds2 is still at uni they have experienced living away from home. They are grateful for all the home comforts and someone else taking the mental load of deciding what to eat every. single. day. The fridge and freezer are stocked, the cupboards are full and there is a meal plan posted. They do cook but not every night like they would if they were back at uni.

I am lucky that I have two savers but Ds1's mate realised that he had been working for 3 years on apprenticeship wage, no rent or bills to pay as living at home with his parents and he had no savings, zero. He realised he had squandered it all and had nothing to show for it, no car, nothing.

OP your son should be looking at how much money he can borrow for a mortgage and then look at house prices. A mortgage will only be so much, the house deposit is the one thing that can move him into a higher priced housing bracket.

This is my usual response to the threads about taking "rent" and secretly saving it. Teaches them nothing.

However OP has tried and failed to teach / encourage saving. So in this case I agree with doing it for him.

He is in his trade, they do highways and have to be off before school zones and stuff- its all based on permits. Plus his boss is an animal- if his boss was slower at completing jobs they go to he would be out all day, but he likes to get home for lunch! They are given meterage to complete per day it all depends how fast they do it as to when they finish x

If he is currently spending hundreds a month impressing his gf, have you explained that what really impresses slightly older women is a slightly older man who has half a house deposit?

That’s where we differ. Financially controlling an adult is never good, no matter how well intentioned, or how exasperated you are as a parent.

Good job OP’s son has miraculously come to the same conclusion and amounts as OP during this thread 🤔

He is my son not my step son lol.

Are you living in the 1990s? A one bed flat where I am (zone 2) costs at least £1,800 a month rent, plus bills!

It's not miraculous- it's a father and son having had a conversation for the last hour and drip feeding him ideas based on where he want's to get to for him to come to his own conclusion. Lordy.

All those people saying it’s coercive or controlling: at what point do our responsibilities to our children end? Some young people struggle with good financial decision making, due to ADHD or immaturity or something else, should their parents just say, “well you’re an adult now, nothing to do with me”? Or is it right/proper/acceptable for their parents to step in and - with the agreement of their adult child - help them to make better decisions? This young man wants to save but, for whatever reason, keeps frittering his money away. It seems like at least one ‘friend’ is leaching off him, plus young men with lots of ready money seem more at risk for developing problematic habits regarding alcohol etc. (based entirely on anecdata before anyone jumps on me!) For those of us whose children struggle, why wouldn’t we want to to help until they are ready to manage?

My child is autistic and has ADHD, so I am aware I have a particular bias in my approach.

Honestly when I first moved out I ended up eating rice for dinner for about six months whilst I worked out how to budget. I do not want the same thing for mine.