to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

If you had 4dc and “have always worked”, who used to pick your dc up from school, look after them in the school holidays, have them when they were ill off school etc?

Just keep working until the kids are old enough not to need it. Or go part time but don’t tell them, just spend your days off doing whatever you fancy 😂

I wouldn’t want to do childcare either, but fortunately I live a little too far away to be called on regularly (should any grandchildren arrive on the scene)

What 5 days a week ? That is a huge amount 1 or 2 days much more managable. Although the school days don't last forever either. Just set out what you would be prepared to do.

how lucky those children are to have a grandma like you… 🙄

Genuine question: did you and your husband’s parents help you with childcare at all?

Grandmothers involvement is very highly correlated with positive outcomes for children amd maternal mental health across multiple studies in all societies. To pretend otherwise is disengenous as others have asked who helped you keep your career going when you had small children ? Who do you expect will sort out or provide elder care shoild you need it ? Withold your labour by all means but understand the ramifications for your grandchildren, society and yourself.

So more evidence society wants to trap women into turning their whole life into children and caring for others, either their own or grandchildren

This is all wormen are worth?

You sound a bit mean, could you not offer your help a little bit. Perhaps one day a week. You still have 6 other days of the week to enjoy your retirement.

Everyone is free to make their choices but those choices are not without consequences. I am not sure what is controversial about saying that. My uncle and aunt actually moved to Spain to help my cousin with her children when they were young. Guess what, one of those now adult grandchildren now lives with them and does much of the cooking, cleaning and caring. This allows them to stay in their own home- do you think he wpuld be doing that if their attitude had been " this is our time" and he had seen them 2 or 3 times a year ?

This!!!

Nobody is wiping anything. But one can hardly expect people to remember what you did for them before they could speak.

YANBU to not want to be roped into regular childcare commitments. The school pick up is particularly tricky as it’s often early afternoon and you have to make any other plans around it.

I would still retire op. Just have an open conversation around what you are and aren’t prepared to do. That’s what my PIL did. They did chlldcare 1 day per week when the kids were young and very occasionally did school pick up in an emergency situation. Not saying you even have to do that, but make it clear what you are willing to do from the outset.

I recommend moving, retiring abroad would work. All of my family live in different countries so this isn’t a problem. I’ve never looked after any family members kids!

It’s so depressing that it’s always a burden on women and not men.
Where are the grandads in all this? Not to mention the fathers.
I have a friend, she works full time hybrid. I can guarantee that at least once a month, often weekly, her son will lumber her with his child on one of her working from home days. Plus every Sunday despite the fact that she does a hobby on a Sunday. I use the word lumber deliberately as she has mentioned it is getting difficult to work and childmind at the same time.
She also tells me she is the one doing all the driving back and forth to collect the child whilst her dh sits watching tv, and her son is busy too.
The other grandma had put her foot down and refused to be available unless it suits her, she works too.
There is a current thread which states that women do have value apart from being merely unpaid labour. Their wants and desires are just as valid as men’s.

I also worry about elderly parents having to drive at rush hour around schools.
It was a nightmare driving when my DCs were at school and I was a young able driver. Must be draining for grandparents and not particularly safe either.

You shouldn’t have to keep working to avoid childcare, if it comes up again just be honest and say you couldn’t commit to anything regular as you will have things you want to do. We don’t have regular childcare from grandparents ( and never expected it) it was always lovely if they offered to have them for some time during the school holidays or if they were ill ( we rarely took up the latter offer) but they still saw them regularly and have a relationship as grandparents

Ok how old are we envisaging these grandparents to be ? DM was 55 when DS was born so 59 when he went to school, she retired at 60. I wouldn't consider anyone frail before 75.

I also disagree about children being better in helping out aging parents if their parent spent a lot of time with them.
That is incorrect.
What tends to happen in the majority of cases is that the daughters sacrifice their life to help aging parents and relatives, the sons are ‘too busy.’
This is not dependent on how fantastic a parent was.

Not if they are talking shite, no

I'd be happy to make time for one day (as long as the parents knew I would go on holiday occasionally, which would need them to have a back up plan for those times). However, there is nothing wrong if I simply don't want to. I'm not obligated to.

My DH and I have a close family and both parents did a bit of childcare. They benefitted hugely from the relationship and it remains strong now. 1 day a month and 2 days a month, it wasn’t too onerous.

In time we will help them too. It’s called family.

Not sure about yours, but mine spoke for many years before they were adults.

I'll always remember a poor colleague who was part time and looking after grandchildren on her days off who was saying she'd absolutely love to do something like a months cruise but the reaction from her DD wouldn't be worth it. You aren't wrong to want to do other things with your retirement at all.

None of my DGPs did school pickups and we still made time to spend together and have relationships. I think kids appreciate having relatives that have their own lives and personalities as well as just being grandma. I always liked hearing what mine were getting up to.

Retiring age is 67, so add on 5 years for when the child is at school and the grandparent will be in their 70s.
People in their 50s and 60s are working surely?
Not many 70 plus year olds can navigate the hell of trying to park outside a school, then exit whilst around a hundred other vehicles are pulling out in front of you.
Around where I live it’s hell at school drop off and pick up times. I know people who can’t even get in and out of their drives due to how inconsiderately careers have parked.
Outside the local secondary school cars double park blocking the road off completely and it’s a bus route!

Ridiculous comment.