to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

I’m looking forward to helping with grandkids one day but i won’t be doing pick ups every day.i’ll be doing emergencies when i can, and some days in the holidays and no school days. I might do pick up one day a week after asking what they’ll do when I go on holiday as I don’t want to leave them stuck but do want to take regular trips including for longer periods, and nicely saying I had better not start until you’ve a plan for that as I wouldn’t want a misunderstanding.

OP has contributed to her family by creating them in the first place and spending a couple of decades bringing them up from babies to adults while putting her own needs last. All those hard years are just wiped from the slate?

Yes, I enjoy paid work more than child care, though I do some of both at the moment. Many women feel the same. You are not unreasonable - not at all - to prefer paid employment with the status, productivity and not to mention money that involves.

You do have to let those who think you are a commodity to be utilised know that you don't want to do childcare though. No matter how much they try to bully and abuse you for it. Make it clear, then don't engage about it into the future.

I think I'd just move away tbh, to make it possible for visits now and then but nobody can abuse you into being their unpaid servant.

No it’s not weird or sad . You don’t have grandchildren yet so you are not at that stage to know how you will feel or what else you will be doing.

That’s a very real concern—retirement shouldn’t automatically mean unpaid childcare.

Shows what a big problem it is...

The fact remains that when your parents don’t take an interest in your children, the very real outcome of that is that this harms (even destroys) the relationship, regardless of how loving they were when you were a child.

It’s a very real rejection and people are absolutely entitled to be upset by it.

It is not emotional manipulation to point this out.

And no, I’m not talking about grandparents not providing childcare 5 days a week (which is an incredibly uncommon situation).

I’m talking about grandparents having no or little interest in their grandchildren.

Always expecting their grandchildren to be brought to them.

Making no effort to spend time with their grandchildren, or get to know them.

Outright refusing any one on one time.

Refusing to help their children with their grandchildren at all, even when their children are struggling or in an emergency.

If someone decides that as a result of this, they no longer feel they can provide support to their parents when they have been completely unsupported by them whilst their children were young, then that is absolutely fair enough.

Your view on this is not the only valid one.

Do women ever get a break?
How depressing
Men are chilling while women abuse women.
So retirement is just for men?
Honestly women, we need to be very healthy so we can afford to have a good retirement and not be in need of the younger generation!
Why can't a grandmother, just wake up and do nothing but lie in bed?
That's what i dream of after retirement, waking up when i feel like, going on short solo trips etc
I've already done/am doing the school run now!
I'm barely 40 but still can see where things are headed.
Bloody hell

@Jeschara How very rude are you?
It's an open forum and I'll comment as I please , disregard less of your unwelcome advice.

GP caring for GC is not a one size fits all. Why should ALL GPs be expected to work for free for DC when many are still working, often long and challenging hours, and simply do not have the energy? It was different back in my childhood, when women did not work outside the home, women such as my mother, who never worked after the age of 25, but instead played golf, so that we were latchkey kids from the age of 7. We were left all alone on weekends, ending up having numerous accidents and injuries. These days she would be prosecuted.

She simply could not be bothered to help with mine, in the days when there was no formal childcare at all. Instead she bitched at me for being a working mother, "ruining my kids' lives because no woman can be a decent mother and a worker". My son had life threatening asthma because I was a working mother. They would be permanently scarred by my not being at home. (!!!) No creches, no nurseries, no care except what we working mothers could cobble together privately.

I finished working at the age of almost 70, much to the disgust of my DiL. She had done her calculations, estimating that I owed her over 120 hours of babysitting. Don't ask me how she reached that figure. From my salary, I gave them many thousands to help with care in lieu of being available. It seemed to me that the money went on booze. GPs are entitled to a life, believe it or not. I did what I could to be a good GM, and never asked for anything, such as help in my old age. I actually have a wonderful relationship with the GC, regardless.

"By all means take this stance all I'm saying is not to be suprised when your children and grandchildren won't be held to ransom or guilted in your later years"

Wtaf?! Your parents did their bit raising YOU, you ungrateful person! You're now guilt-tripping/threatening them into raising YOUR OWN offspring as well?!

Neither my parents, nor DH's parents, helped when I was raising my children. I never expected them to - they'd done their bit raising us (with no help from their parents!) and we were grateful! That was normal when my children were young. My parents had a good relationship with their GCs, had fun with them, and all was fab. I'm not sure where the current expectation that GPs should be responsible for their GC's childcare and chauffeuring came from?

I cant wait for my kids to have their own children. I want to be available for them. I want to build a bond with my grandchildren. Id love to pick them up or to take them to school, have them for the weekend, but of course if I cant do those things I will have the ability to say no, thats how boundaries are set by being honest and simply saying your unable to do that..also if you want to keep working, you dont need an excuse to do that. If being involved with the raising of your grandchildren doesnt interest you then just simply say your unavailable and you have your own life you want to live.

Indeed. The person you are replying to is apparently totally unable to understand that we are not all carbon copies of her. She appears to have no imagination but thinks everyone should follow her rules of what of she personally believes is appropriate for older women. Now that's weird and sad.

No, no, she didn't say that. As you know she said she didn't want to be their unpaid caregiver, taken for granted that her spare time would be their commodity to be doled out. HTH.

It sounds a bit miserable to me to be stuck working for decades just because you feel unable to say no to doing childcare. I retired young and have never been expected to offer childcare. I have plenty of leisure activities keeping me busy, which I wouldn't have time for if I was at work all the time. You have to think about what you want to do most with your time for you, not your grandchildren or employer.

My 60 year old friend was working full time but had an accident that meant she had to stop working for a prolonged period. She loved her work but unfortunately due to her injury and the type of work she does she hasn't been able to go back to it as yet. Her daughter and daughter in law have increasingly been leaving their respective child with her. She is exhausted by the end of the day. She had 4 children herself and did 100 % of their care in her time due to her husbands work schedule. She is no wilting flower when it comes to work of any kind so for her to say she is exhausted is quite something. She wants to move house to a more scenic area which is further away from her kids ( not because of her kids and grandchildren) and has made noises about not being the full time go to childcare person, to say its gone down like a lead balloon is an understatement. The problem is only 2 of her children have had their first child, so theyre likely to have more. The other 2 children havent had any children yet but ate in long term relationshops. She also doesnt want to be seen to be giving more to one than the other.

My similarly aged sister in law has made it known that in one years time she isnt going to be doing regular childcare as her youngest grandchildren will all be at primary school and while she is happy to help out in an emergency she wont be on hand regularly, fully intending to take some time to herself and her husband.

This reminds me of when I first started therapy and I had no boundaries. I said to my therapist I wanted to sell my car so I wouldn’t have to give people lifts all the time. She suggested it might be better to learn to say no to things I didn’t want to do.

I have a narcissistic mum who has never wanted a relationship with me (we've never been out for coffee together, lunch together once) and has never wanted to be close. She seems to love my children but has always put massive limits on the help she wanted to give. Without her, my dad would have been more involved with me and my children. Now mum is getting towards the end of her life, I have offered many times to go and see her regularly but she has refused my company every time. However I am now at the point that she will die the way she lived, essentially being a stranger to me. So what I'm trying to say is yes there is some transactional dynamic at play with regards grandchildren, of course there is. My children see my mum in a different light because of how she has treated me.

Yanbu to not want to do childcare. Your time is your own and you do not owe your DC any further unpaid labour, you did your stint when they were tiny, and they are adults now. You do not have to postpone retirement in order to avoid that. Next time the topic comes up with your DC you need to state clearly that as and when you choose to retire, that will be in order to enjoy life to the full without the constraints of work and not in order to reduce their childcare bills. You will love to spend time with your grandchildren when you have time but won't be able to commit to any regular slots as you will be travelling or have other things to do that will make you unavailable a lot of the time so they will need to keep their children in whatever wraparound care they need without expectations of you swapping your paid job for an unpaid one. It is totally fine to retire when you can afford it. Expectations that you will then happily volunteer for childcare are based on cultural misogyny anf that belongs in the bin.

you would be expected?
that is an issue with your dd in that case.
set boundaries
you can do it on your terms
they have managed without you so far

If you’ve worked all your life with 4 kids- who did your child care while you worked?

You can do what you like of course- but to me the most important things in life are family, and children are a blessing.

I had the loveliest nan and the best memories growing up of her looking after us during school holidays. She didn’t do school pick ups though. The school pick up years are relatively short when you think about it.

Boundaries are good but to choose to work over helping out with grandkids says to me you have your priorities screwed. But I guess it’s the values of your family maybe?

I would say the same if you were a man. Out of interest so you have a husband? If so would he be sharing any extra responsibilities with you?

People should raise their own children

That sounds very hard to get your head around. I hope you've got to the place that you realise this is about her not a reflection on you. x

Thank you yes it has been awful. I know at a deep level that it is not a reflection of me but unfortunately the brain programming about how I feel about myself is a constant challenge to work on. I would have given anything to have had a warm, loving and caring mum who I could do things with an have a laugh with X