to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

although i agreed with you, i am a grandma and am 60 - an age i imagine most grandma's are.
capable o f working and capable of driving!

I work with loads of women in their 50's who are grandmothers, many help with their GC whilst working pt. It's probrably one the advantages to having DC on the younger side.

Why don't you have the best of both worlds?

Retire but tell them you haven't. If they really push, could you tell them you are working from home/call centre work/something that keeps your nose to the computer screen and it's 'very important' and then just have the life you want.

Use your voice and make it very clear………you are retiring to do the things you want to do nd that does not include providing childcare.

Make it very clear that you have plans and doing school runs is not going to happen as you cannot guarantee to be available every day, you don’t want to let them down so they need to NOT rely on you.

Offer to set aside some time during school holidays to spend time with the GC, day trips, holiday, activities etc.

I retired at 55 and look after my 2 grandsons ( currently 4 and 2) every Monday and for a weekend sleepover every 6 weeks or so. I absolutely love it. If the children are ill their parents don't send them to me. It wouldn't cross their minds to expect me to look after a puking child. We go away Tues to Sunday ( suits us perfectly as 2 weeks holiday somewhere is my idea of hell). We go to the Edinburgh festival every summer and don't have the grandchildren for that Monday. It's a lovely thing to do. My mum is 87 and comes every Monday afternoon to spend time with them. They absolutely adore her and it's lovely that they have a close relationship with their great granny. My DILs parents don't look after/ babysit/ see the grandchildren without their parents being there. They made it clear they weren't going to do any of that. If you don't want you do it ,don't do it. If you do , do.

@Youlittlenightmare has a thread I think you'd be interested to see...

Have an honest conversation with them. They shouldn't assume that you are now free childcare and you should be able to set those boundaries. Yes grandparents looking after children is a lifesaver but it isnt compulsory! Set some boundaries, everyone will be happier for it.

The expectation that you would have to do school pick ups every days is over the top.
None of the parents I know would just expect that from their retired parent.
It should be easy to explain your boundaries and still be able to see your grandchildren now and then - maybe invite them over for Sunday lunch or whatever it is you are doing to see them today.
If that's not the case then either you need help setting clear boundaries, or your children have been raised to hold different values to your own. Not too late to reset, if you can just communicate.
You sound like you are resentful about their expectations of you even before trying to have a conversation with them about it

Jesus.

I'd have a problem with a grandfather expecting support if he didn't provide it when he was able. Exactly the same way I feel about grandmother's.

What is wrong with you that a grandparent might not want to do it? Does everyone have to be the exact same in life?

@skizz you need to tell your children and their OHs that they need to work together to find a way to mutually look after their own children so that the burden of railroading grandparents (grandmothers?) isn't falling to the grandchildren 's mother. I'd suggest to any male children that you will view any shirking of parental responsibilities, on account of having a penis, VERY poorly. Nip it (the problem, not the penis) in the bud.

How am I contributing to the mismatched expectations between men and women? This is what my friends have told me - the DDs/DILs have railroaded them into childcare. I do not know their DDs/DILs well enough to know whether this is true or not or what role their husbands play. It is always the DDs/DILs dropping the children off at their homes and giving instructions not their husbands.

I am hardly going to start interviewing them to find out everything is divided up.

I take it you are expecting support from that response.
My grandfather and dad did childcare, my brothers and male cousins do. If you've raised a family where the expectations fall to women that's on you and your DH.

This is a good point and I have seen it happen to my friends. One of my friends was doing childcare for her DD then her DD went on to have another two DC. Then her other DD had DC also and she is run ragged providing childcare for all as not to show favouritism towards one DD.

It can get quickly out of control.

I already have 9 grandchildren so childcare would be like a full time job hence thinking it is easier to carry on working. I get time to myself, I enjoy my job, leisurely lunches.

Don't blame you in the least. The grandparents I know are at the beck and call of their children and one lady has told me how rude and cheeky to her the granddaughters are. You're meant to be enjoying the last few years you have left.

As long as your honest about it that's fine you're en9to feel any way you want. I live the walks to and from school holding their little hands and geari6about their day. There's a slowness to our relationship you don't have time for as a parent

I am not blaming other women - like I have said numerous times. This is what I have been told by my friends. I haven't investigated their individual cases - I don't know their DDs/DSs well enough.

The expectations are mostly on women not for men. Grandfathers are mostly enjoying their retirement while grandmothers have heavy expectations on them. If a grandfather does not do childcare, nobody bats an eyelid whereas grandmothers are criticised and judged.

Hi
my mum was retired and before I got pregnant we had a very honest chat. Her view was that she would always help me out but she wouldn’t be tied to certain days as she likes to go on holiday and plan things with her friends. I would rather my mum enjoy the retirement she has worked for than become my childcare! She loves spending time with my DS and 9/10 she has had him when I’ve needed her to but there is no expectation if she has something planned

I retired young and have never been expected to offer childcare

Lovely. Things are not the same for me. The expectations are already there before retirement.

But why does your friend not just say no?

I do not have a horse in this race, have never had family childcare beyond the odd night babysitting - I feel I have to add in case I'm accused of being blinkered and entitled. But if I asked a favour, especially of family, and they said yes, and showed up every week or whatever, and never said anything - I would assume it was all going well. Similarly, if I were asked a favour but it did not suit, I would say so at the outset

These threads seem to descend into a slanging match as we seem to be talking about two extremes - the grandparents bemoaning entitled children demanding days of weekly rigid childcare, which is surely unusual. I personally don't know anyone whose parents do multiple weekly full days of childcare. And everyone seems to agree that pressure for this is absurd - the thread where the OP had been asked to stop working and provide that level of care,oat people were in agreement that this was unacceptable.

But then the parents of young children, particularly those who remember lots of time with grandparents as children, might say they feel overworked and disappointed they don't get more "help" - by which I don't think they mostly mean 5 days a week unpaid childminding, but more some days out, the odd sleepover, an evening off.

I wonder how much of this is because grandfathers are much less likely to have spent the majority of their adult lives sacrificing their wants and needs for their children. As a general rule men who are now grandfathers were less involved in raising their children and therefore see it as a privilege to be involved with their grandchildren, whereas for the grandmother it can be just another unrelenting demand on her time, which has never been her own.

Sorry you had that experience. It is a totally different situation to mine.

Your dad sounds a complete disappointment who didn't think much of his grandchildren either.

This is a good compromise. I could drop to part time and get the best of both worlds!