to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

I already help them out.

Does my family having a lifeline mean I have to give up a huge chunk of my retirement? There are 9 grandchildren.

Why is this a big factor she wouldn’t have been the 1 to ask would she. It’s her retirement her time. Op has already said it wouldn’t just be now and again it would take over her life she has learnt this from friends who retired and helped there adult children who are now stuck. Op is not wanting to end up in this situation.

and for these reasons your friends feel like they have been forced into childcare by the
daughters/DILs not the sons ? Because the sons do nothing?

No. It was the DD/DIL's pressurising them into doing the childcare. The sons and son in laws never said a word.

People keep saying this because if a woman had help with childcare, she must pay it back. Rarely applies to men of course!

The reason I said it's a big factor is that I see SO many grandparents refusing any and all help for their grandchildren, yet had the full support of one or both sets of their own parents. It's a double standard I see frequently.

A good friend of mine and her siblings used to stay at their grandparents every weekend without fail, Friday to Sunday PM, and their other grandparents 4 days out of 5 after school, and sometimes overnight during the week. But her parents always "needed the weekend to themselves". Her parents absolutely refuse to help with childcare at all. Yes, this is probably an extreme example, but her grandparents basically raised her and her siblings yet her parents won't help at all. The hypocrisy of their attitude is astounding tbf.

Hilarious so you don’t think the parents discussed childcare arrangements and asking for grandparent help or the sons took no interest in what they would do about that like it wouldnt affect them financially or otherwise. I think it’s worse if the sons took no interest than asked a grandparent for help.

It's not about "paying it back", it is the fact that some parents expected it of their parents but won't offer the same support to their own children.

What are you actually going to do on your retirement while your family could do with some help? My MIL couldn’t help regularly with childcare because she was busy helping at a children’s charity. Didn’t do much there by all accounts but loved the kudos of volunteering. She did more with other people’s children than she did with either her own children or her grandchildren. A friends mum went from endless daytime TV to the odd week abroad. Even when she got a set top box that could record TV, it was too important to miss. Turned down opportunities with her grandkids for TV.

Unless you have some truly grand plans for retirement, expect to be resented for ‘opting out.’

Agreed.

And they could be passively putting pressure on their Mums/ MILs by just saying nothing and not stepping up themselves.

I agree it’s almost worse if they said nothing.

It is not that I do not think. It is what I was told by my friends.

I am sure the sons and sons in law did talk about the arrangements with their partners. But the sons and sons in laws have taken no part in any of the practicalities or checking in on the DC. All of that is organised by the DDs and DILs.

Sometimes the circumstances are not the same.

It mostly falls on grandmothers not grandfathers. I have seen it so many times on mumsnet where women are calling their mothers or mother in laws hypocritical for not helping when they had help but remain silent about the fathers and grandfathers.

Why do I need grand plans? Should I not just be free to do whatever I want to do?

You seem very critical of older women choosing not to do childcare.

In your position I think it's perfectly understandable that you can't divide fairly as a regular arrangement and still have most of the week to dedicate to your own stuff so therefore you can't pick up anything regular for anyone. A day a week is a different proposition than all week for different sets of GC and I hope they get that.

If you wanted to you could offer a few days on your terms in the holiday. As GC grow up they get more interesting to do things with and chat to. Think you just need to hold the boundary and put out on your terms.

My DF always said that he felt he'd missed out on our childhoods when he was working and likes to do childcare now. But I think that is a key thing, he is playing with GC and not tidying up after or trying to do anything else, so it's fun. Plus he didn't get involved in the daily slog of it when me and DB were young, I feel mean calling it a slog but it can feel like that.

Sod that I know too many people who passed away before retirement or just after and didn’t get to do what they planned so I say to anyone take it whilst you can no guarantee tomorrow will come. I would lie if I had to because by the time I retire I will probably be to frail to do much so anyone who can afford it whilst they have health go for it. It’s sad situation people on here saying you have to repay if you had it as a kid or they won’t look after you in old age its all bullshit.

By that same argument though....

Why are mothers always expected to be the primary caregiver by default? You seem to think your friends' daughters and DILs are the enemy, when the reality is that they are most likely the ones who've ended up with the responsibility of sorting childcare.

I do think it's an awful attitude when parents who relied on support from their parents refuse that same support to their own children.

But the op was a child so she didn’t ask. I think people are missing the point she has 9 gc so if she helps out that’s her time gone she helps now but doesn’t want to get trapped into full time childcare like her friends. I’m sure if her friends weren’t going through this op would have just retired.

Expecting someone with NINE grandchildren to step up and do regular childcare (school pick ups and two days a week looking after a baby, is what's expected so far) is just bizarre. And anyone with any sense will recognise that once OP starts doing regular childcare for one or two of her kids, the other two will start asking as well.

There's no way it can be done fairly, even if OP gave every waking moment of her retirement to her kids.

She already helps out her kids. It's not like she's not been a helpful grandmother so far. She just wants a retirement to relax and do her thing, while presumably still helping out in an ad hoc way.

yep so your friends shouldn’t blame the mothers for joint childcare decisions and requests which are both parents responsibility that they will have agreed on just because as is very common the mother takes on the burden of communication and father sits back. I know it’s your friends and not you but it’s very sexist. I can see you commenting in other responses about the different treatment of grandmothers to grandfathers and the same
applies. Anyway I hope you enjoy your childcare free retirement when it comes

I never said my friends DDs/DILs are the enemy. I do not know them. All I know is what my friends have said to me in confidence.

Like I said the expectation is greater on grandmothers to pay back any help they had. Grandfathers mostly get left alone.

Yep. My husband and I saved hard for retirement and had plans for it. But he died at 56, and never had that time to enjoy himself. And tragically never got to see his beautiful grandchildren.

Life is short, and one's adult kids need to recognise that their parents need and have earned a bit of 'me' time, free of commitments.

It won't be child free. The nine grandchildren will still exist, and she'll still be seeing them and helping out as she does now

I was using that as an example.

My point is - the OP could very well have been one of those parents who relied on and expected childcare from her parents, but then refuses to do anything for her own kids. I know a lot of people like this, hence why I used it as an example and asked because IMO it's a really crappy, selfish attitude.

Sorry to hear that but this exactly my point there is no age on death. childcare is costly but the government are helping a lot of people so grandparents should have retirement for themselves. Like you say the adults should acknowledge this.

Sorry I meant no regular committed childcare restraining her. Hope she enjoys that. Appreciate she will still see her grandchildren