to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

At least boomers can write coherently.

But surely you factored all this in before having children?

Because they don't want to? They don't enjoy it? They want to help out/see their grandchildren on their on schedule?

These questions are giving "I don't understand why women don't want to be mothers or SAHM" from men.

Age I would presume.

Yes my exh used to say he was brought up by his grandparents, not his parents. His parents have no idea what to do with children

For goodness sake you’re all adults and can say no. Your friends didn’t get roped in, mothers asked for help (crazy I know asking family for help) and they agreed when they could have said no. So just say no if you don’t want to do it.

My mum does childcare for me and I’m eternally grateful but she also wants to do it and loves the bond she has with my child. My dad does none and has said he doesn’t want to. It’s fine. But my child doesn’t have a particularly strong bond there. It’s up to them what they want.

Fine but don’t expect help as you get older then with hospital trips, shopping, etc.

You are not unreasonable for not wanting to do childcare. Just be clear about what you do and don’t want to do and stick to it. What is unreasonable would be to completely alter your plans for retirement if the only reason was because you were incapable of sticking up for yourself.

Before I had my first I asked my mum if she would want to do any regular childcare for us. She said yes and did do 2 days a week for about a year and a half, after my second mat leave she didn’t want to do it any more. She said she wanted to have the kids every now and then when suited her so thats what we do. We all survived as did our relationship.

My dad since took early retirement and he is happy to look after the kids a few days each holiday. That is massively helpful to us but if he said he didn’t want to do it then we would book them into holiday clubs or ask friends to have them. I ask well in advance and he can refuse any days that he doesn’t want to do or to do it at all. I don’t expect as much of him as I do of myself and ultimately as long as everyone is safe and fed thats fine but he does a great job and they often go on lovely outings together which i think he enjoys. I offer to pay if he wants to take them somewhere more expensive.

We also dog sit for my parents when they go on their frequent holidays but we have put in the boundary that we are only prepared to do a week max at a time.

Yes there is a bit of give and take in any relationship and I am much more inclined to saying yes to looking after their dog because they do favours for us too but we’d still love each other either way. To us helping each other is what family does but being a doormat to each others needs is not. As with everything in life it’s all about balance.

Would you be willing to do 1 or 2 days a week picks up then you have 3/4 days consistently to yourself? My MIL helps out with two days then dc doo before and after school clubs the other day (I only work three days but they’ll be doing another day in club when I go up to four days).
You of course have no obligation but I know my MIL’s help is hugely appreciated and it’s only one hour a day.
I personally don’t send kids elsewhere if they’re ill, one of us takes it off work. Doesn’t seem fair on anyone else looking after my poorly child.

Nasty. Don’t you love your parents?

She has NINE grandchildren.

Are you expecting an inheritance btw?

If you read my posts - I was repeating the experiences of my friends. It is their DDs/DILs who are doing the railroading. They bring the DC, organise when the childcare will be done, let grandma know about any illness, toilet training etc. The sons and son in laws do not get involved.

Of course the sons and son in laws should get involved but they haven't with my friends.

But sure, get angry.

Try reading my posts. I never blamed women and mothers or assumed women are solely responsible. I talked about their experiences of my retired friends. It is the DDs/DILs doing all the organising of the childcare telling grandma about toilet training how the kids need to be fed etc. The son and son in laws are nowhere to be seen. Try reading the thread fgs.

I think regular but ad hoc childcare is fine e.g a week in the summer holidays, covering some dates or an emergency.

However, committing to a fixed schedule is problematic. I would never commit to this when I'm retired as it would limit my flexibility.

When I’m retired after working FT, I want to be able to spontaneously book a spa day, not be constrained by having small kids with me every Tuesday and Thursday. I would not provide any support which allows my kids to permanently fix working time based on my availability.

Yes of course. Which is why I don’t rely on grandparents and we pay for childcare.

just saying times have changed which may explain why more families are asking for help.

Fair enough 😊

Me? No? I have more money than my parents do.

How did you manage that? Genuinely.

High incomes, built up lots of savings and investments over the years, didn’t stretch on mortgage, buy nice things but will still shop around for good deals and discounts…

I appreciate it’s not the point of your post but this made me laugh .So your friends think their sons don’t know where their kids go for childcare. Come on they’re just as complicit and reaping the benefits of grandparent help v paid childcare. Just because the mum does the drop off and handles communication on her kids needs doesn’t mean she’s forced the situation on anyone more
so than her partner has.

Wow. No compromise or sense wanting to help out’ just ‘no, this is my retirement you’re not having it?’

Indeed, many people under 50 probably won’t get much of a retirement at all. I didn’t put as much into a pension as I should because I was paying a fortune for childcare. Having family help would have been a lifeline in soooo many ways.

This is your family that you could help, but you don’t want to.

A BIG factor here for me....

Did you have help from grandparents in raising your children?

.So your friends think their sons don’t know where their kids go for childcare - of course they know 🙄but they are not the ones asking, organising, telling grandma about what has been going on with the child. They don't get in touch during the day to ask how their DC is getting on. Yes the men reap the benefits but they do not take any part in any of the organisation. They go to work and leave it to the DD/DIL.

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