to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

My parents looked after their children, I looked after my children. I get that money is an issue for people but there is also an issue that parents don't want to be selfless about raising their own children, and would prefer to delegate it to someone else, as cheaply as possible.

You can opt out of this strange cultural moment. Next time it comes up, I would clearly and firmly say " thank you for affirming me that I am a good carer of children, but I won't be doing it in my retirement". Or something similar.

I think you have to set out your boundaries but at the same time don’t overdramatise the situation. My parents looked after my three children one day a week before they started school but we had a backup nursery option so that it didn’t prevent them from going away etc. In the past 10 years I think they have picked up a child once for me in an emergency illness situation. If they had been unavailable I would have left work and done it myself. The idea that my children have ruined their retirement is ridiculous and they would be devastated by the suggestion. Also worth noting that for my first child it was my dad who looked after him one day a week because my mum hadn’t yet retired. There’s no reason why the responsibility has to fall more heavily onto the grandmother!

DH's parents were in another country and my parents were working so we managed our own childcare.

The kind of dumping that happens that you are talking about, it is usually grandmothers who are expected to pay it back. I have seen so many times on mumsnet that 'my DM/MIL got help with childcare now she won't help me with childcare'. The men don't seem to figure.

There’s no reason why the responsibility has to fall more heavily onto the grandmother - true there is no reason but practically it does. The expectations and pressure is barely there for grandfathers as compared to grandmothers.

The idea that my children have ruined their retirement is ridiculous and they would be devastated by the suggestion - that is fine in your situation because everyone was happy to do it. Some of my friends feel differently. Their retirement has been taken over by care of grandchildren.

Just say no! Just as grandparents don't have an automatic right to see their grandchildren, they also don't have an automatic obligation to take on extra childcare.
You seem to be struggling with the idea of telling your DC that you're tired and may be able to help sometimes, you can't and won't be on hand all the time. The occasional pick up or drop off wouldn't be so unreasonable but you're not free childcare. As you say, you raised four children while working and it's time to step back and take time for you.
why is that so difficult?

Do you think OP should provide childcare in the hope her kids will look after her in her old age??? OK then because thats how life works out. & she should spend time with the GC to build up her immunity by catching all their bugs? wow

My parents are retired and they have looked after my children for a few hours, once. My children are now 11 and 14. I don't expect childcare from them.
You do you :)

Op has already said she spends time with her GC. She just doesn't want to commit to every Tuesday. or 3 morning drop-offs (GC no doubt dropped to her house early doors or she's expected to drive to their house at the crack of dawn) & why should she? She will no doubt have got up early to parent HER OWN CHILDREN and also to go to work once they all left home. She has 9 GC. how can she fairly offer regular childcare for all 9? She now wants to retire and, I don't know, maybe enjoy a more relaxed morning that doesn't involve doing the school run (as she probably did for 20 odd years when her own children were that age). I imagine OP will be happy to spend time with the GC & maybe have them for the occasional day/night/weekend etc like most GC do. Why should she retire from one (paid) job and immediately start another (unpaid) job in her 60s?

I'd love it tbh and would gladly give up work now if I was able to do it :(

You just say no. My friends parents said from the get go they didn’t want to commit to anything regular. They still look after their grandchildren but it’s adhoc or planned well in advance (eg they have a wedding to attend in the summer and will be looking after them then). My mum retired the moment my son was born because she wanted to do regular childcare - but I ask her constantly if she’s still happy with the arrangement. If she said it was too much for her I’d up his days at nursery.

"The kind of dumping that happens that you are talking about, it is usually grandmothers who are expected to pay it back."

@skizz you are ignoring literally every single person on here who is telling you that it is also grandfathers and FILs who are also (willingly and happily) helping out. You are obsessed with older women being hard done by in this situation when the lived experiences so many people are sharing just doesn't hold that as true. You are looking for an echo chamber and it is really weird.

I hear you!
looking after children is draining and although rewarding, gets harder with age.
You could try explaining to everyone that you are feeling your age and that’s why you’re considering retirement. That you won’t offer to one child what you can’t offer to all and that would mean looking after 9 children. So you’re saying no.
Just offer school holiday help, but no daily responsibilities.
Good Luck OP x

There is absolutely nothing wrong with grandparents spending time with grandchildren and I think it's great but there's a difference between grandparents helping out once in a while to give you a break and spending time with grandkids, taking them on day trips, outings etc compared to the expectation to commit to school runs and looking after kids pretty much like a part time job after retirement.

That's the issue here, once they hear Grandma is retiring they immediately start thinking ok you can look after the kids Mon, Wed and Fri etc. now imagine across multiple grandchildren across multiple children..

This is the depressing bit though. Why are the sons and fathers staying out of it? Its childcare for their children yet somehow it falls on DDs/DILs to organise, beg or scrounge for and along the way also railroading the grandmothers.
Ultimately, its your life, your retirement. But, if they are railroading you, then you've raised shitty kids, both sons and daughters alike.

How have I have raised shitty kids? I mentioned my friends had told me that their DDs/DILs had railroaded them into childcare.

I am not being railroaded into childcare. I mentioned I was thinking about retirement and my DC said if I do, I could help out with childcare, school runs etc.

I will most likely go part time and set up a business so my time will be full anyway which means I can't help. Need to look at the finances first.

Ok, then I'm lost. If you aren't being railroaded, then what's the issue? Retire, do what gives you joy, set clear boundaries. If the kids get shitty with boundaries, then they are shitty humans. If the dads stay silent on the care of their own kids, that's equally shitty.

This comment immediately angered me too

I simply do not understand the refusal to help out with grandchildren nowadays. Grandparents used to always help out!

You just have to set clear boundaries OP. Do it soon. You don’t have to provide childcare.
’I just want to make it known that when I retire I won’t be providing childcare’.

And it isn’t just the job of women to arrange childcare. Your comment about daughters/ daughters in law railroading their parents into doing childcare really really annoyed me. It’s yet another thing that’s left to women to organise, and that other women seem to expect this boils my blood. Where are the men in this conversation?

Absolutely this. A) how many sons/son in laws are railroading as presumably they need childcare too if both parents work and B) some grandparents aren't rail roaded and actually like/enjoy their childcare! My parents actively asked to do 1 day a week of pick up and drop offs. They like it.

OP, you clearly don't like it, so use your words and say no fgs. You can't be rail loaded (by man or woman) if you don't let yourself be. The cheek of blaming women/mothers and assuming it's women who are solely responsible for organising childcare and then also not wanting to do it as a grandma....

Grandparents didn't used to be expected to provide childcare to enable their children to work.
When I was a kid, and when my adult children were young, the grandparents stepped in in an ad hoc way, and might have us/them at the weekend or on the holidays for random days. But in my experience, most of my peers are doing scheduled regular childcare on a weekly basis, while their children are at work. Varying from one day a week to four days a week. That really didn't happen back on the day.

And as I've pointed out on multiple threads, grandparents tend to be older now. My grandmother became a grandmother at 42. My mother at 53, and I became a grandmother at 64. And that seems very common. Looking after my grandkids is a very different proposition now, at 70, than it would have been at 50.

I looked after both of my parents and am expecting to provide care to my in-laws when it's needed.

My parents babysat sometimes for my brother's children, and when they were older (by which time my mother was dead) my father would take them for a day out each school holiday. My father babysat occasionally for my first but wasn't well enough after that. Even if illness and death hadn't got in the way, they'd happily have babysat more often and done more days out, but wouldn't have wanted to commit to regular childcare. In-laws babysit from time to time, but only for a few hours.

That's absolutely fine. Both couples were wonderful parents, both are/were close to their grandchildren and are/were visited often.

If grandparents simply aren't interested in their grandchildren then I can see it's a bit much for them to expect lots of visits and support in older age. But if there's a loving relationship, then why must regular childcare be offered?

soblile most boomers you wish to spend 100% of your early retirement completely on yourself- without any support to your children or grandchildren (they can try and cope unsupported ) but of course as soon as you need Surrey must drop everything to support you. No doubt your grandparents weee around for you (and I don’t team regular all day childcare- but the odd day sickness- or 1x a week after school pick up ‘only leaving you a full 6 days to go for lunch everyday’.
no wonder boomers get a bad rep now with people like your ‘only care about me’ attitude to families.

YANBU at all.

I was out last weekend and overheard two guys talking about their plans. One guy said to the other that he and his partner were moving closer to her parents because in 2 years they want to start trying for kids and then the grandparents will be close by to help with childcare. I wondered whether the grandparents had been consulted on any of this.

I do understand that it’s become an expectation for some families (not all - not many in my circle).

the main things that have changed IMO are that it’s now more common and needed for both parents to work FT and that childcare costs are extortionate.

when I was younger my mum worked school hours so could do picks ups etc and dad worked some Saturdays to allow a day off in week to help. Mum had holidays off.

i couldn’t afford to do a job like that as we need both salaries.

same for hubby btw before anyone jumps on me about where’s the men!! 🤪

im not saying the expectations are ok. I’m just trying to reflect on why it’s different.