to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Does your DH get involved in childcare?

"I never get called on in the week now as I am working. They resolve all the childcare issues themselves."

Then tell them you're retiring.
Tell them your boundaries.
Stick with your boundaries.

They sort the problems out now. They'll sort them out then.

Why are you still going round in circles about this?

"DD has suggested I may like to look after her baby for a couple of days a week so she can do more days at work as well as picking up her other children from school."

Say no.

This 'grandads don't get asked to help' is not a universal thing OP.
In my town I often seem men who are obviously grandads pushing prams. There's even a saturday morning club for dads and their children and grandads and their grandchildren. The football club is full of grandads bringing their grandchildren along and cheering from the sidelines.

Good question - when is your time? Often there is only a small gap between bringing up your own children and then grandchildren coming along. Particularly for grandmothers.

You have worked all your life. Time for you. Say I am available for emergencies only. I have lots of plans for my retirement. Be firm and clear.

In my experience, it is the daughters pushing for their mums' childcare. Not the sons

This is what I hear from my friends also.

Of course it is, because the man leaves the decision up to the woman. They are useless at organising childcare and see it as the woman's job. So of course it is the women who are then organising it, including asking family if applicable. This should be so obvious that I'm really surprised I have to explain it.

There you go OP.
Just be useless and you'll never be asked to do anything again.

Or you could grow a set and set boundaries.

My grandparents did no care for us when we were children . They worked full time . We loved them very much anyway.
my parents/mil did no care for my children either but they were very much loved by all their grandchildren.
As a result of all this posters are trying to make out that these grandparents won’t receive any help in their old age cos they didn’t give any help to their families.
When my DGM was released from hospital to die at home my parents took her to live with them for her final weeks and did everything they could to give her a happy end to her life.
Both my DM and DMIL died of cancer and I did everything I could to help them stay at home to die including all their personal care . It is not transactional.
I agree with the OP completely.

Just say no, you can’t do it. Feels like you’re looking into some extreme solutions like setting up a business as an excuse. They can’t force you.

It sounds like you're an intelligent person who's had a good career - you presumably have some experience with managing expectations, saying no when you have to, etc. And yet you talk helplessly about how things will "creep" with proving childcare; about how things will "end up", as if you had no control. I think you need to realize that you do have the control, and it's up to you how your life ends up. Starting a new business is a very extreme way of avoiding saying no to your kids. Say no. Exaggerate your old-lady exhaustion, if you like. Use the fact of having FOUR dc and NINE gdc (it's a lot) as your excuse - oh, sorry darling, if I did that for you I'd have to do it for all the others. Or better yet, put yourself first for once and don't apologise. No, darling - I've done a lot of working and a lot of child-rearing and I'm not a young woman any more, and I don't know how many years of being fit and active I have. I am going to use them to do the things I want to do. If someone's in hospital, call me, but I'm not going to do the regular school pick up or any other regular arrangement. Maybe you and your siblings could do childcare for each other more than you currently do. Maybe your husband's father will do the school runs. And so on. It really is up to you.

This is a great pushback to all the veiled threats that childcare must be done (by the grandmother).

I would set up the business because I want to not as an excuse.

Yes I know they can't force me.

But as I have seen the dynamic tends to change once a grandmother retires.

But that Grandparents time is special, some of my favourite memories of my DGPs were the days they took us during school holidays.

Nothing overly elaborate, trips to the park, picnics, and visits to their siblings.
Ok they only had 2 DGC so easy enough.
They did stuff that two full-time working parents simply didn't have time to do.

I don't wish to be depressing but the reality for some can be that health starts to get more complicated in your late 60's and 70's.

Spending your 60's running after children and being on their free clock is not how I would like to spend my last decade of great health.

I believe looking after very young children full-time is exhausting and wouldn't be great for my health.

My SIL mental health suffered as she definitely felt a bit of situational depression at being so tied down.
Awful to be honest.
Now her health is gone, no longer drives and she has just turned 70.
She did too much and regrets giving up her freedom and now losing it.
Plenty of money but poor health.

I really hope you avoid this OP.

They must have an arrangement now to manage school runs already, so I would tell them to carry on with that and not expect you to do it on a regular basis. My life isn't planned around my parents or in laws doing regular school runs.
I can call them in emergencies or occasionally arrange for them to have my son on his own though which is nice.

I don't wish to be depressing but the reality for some can be that health starts to get more complicated in your late 60's and 70's.

That's very true. I hit 70 recently, having been fortunate enough to have had good health and strength... until about six months ago. I'm now one of those 'old people' relying on a pill box and feeling like I'm carrying a pharmacy around with me. My energy levels have plummeted, and the multiple trips that I've planned are no longer a given.

The last two years have restricted my plans hugely, for other reasons not in my control, and I resent that so much. I could have done so much with those years while I was still fitter.

To be honest I took my health and fitness for granted. So I'd advise anyone retiring in their 60s to make the most of them.

Make it clear your retiring for your overall health and wellbeing and so will not be available as childcare. Its your choice.

Some grandparents are hands on and a huge help to working families, some arent for whatever reason and thats fine too.

Also seen the threads about grandfathers...my DS's grandpa cut his working week to volunteer to do pickups and drop offs as he loves spending time with his grandson. Hes fab.

You are under no obligation to do child care. You have every right to set boundaries on your time and space. You have every right to live your life the way you want it now ! ♥️

So did you tell them no then?

This is great advice, thank you so much.

A large chunk of my life has been taken up by bringing up 4DC which is fine but I don't want use another huge chunk of my life helping out with childcare for 9 grandchildren.

The illnesses of young children puts me off too. I had a couple of years when mine were young where I was constantly ill because of catching everything they brought home.

When you were raising your children did yours or your husbands parents provide any level of childcare? I’m in my mid 30’s and the general consensus amongst my friend group is we were all dumped on our grandparents regularly as our parents worked and GP retired earlier GM was a housewife etc so feel it’s a generational thing? Our parents are now reluctant to “parent” our children in any capacity as they barely parented their own (have discussed this with my parents but this was quickly poo-pooed however I do have a memory so I’m aware GP did a lot more for us than they like to remember!!)