to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Well I know at least 4 elderly people who get daily care from a retired daughter/son - so that blows that theory out of the water.

I don't think you cease being a parent when your children are grown but I also don't expect my mother to take care of me anymore cos I'm a fit able bodied adult. The example I was giving is that smugly implying you don't owe a vulnerable elderly person anything is as morally iffy as a parent neglecting their child when examples are helping them with medical appointments with a smug ☺️

And what did they say when you spoke to them about that?

Just say no, and give up work when you chose to. What other people do is their problem.

Like I explained it is not so easy as saying no. It starts off as one thing and then creeps into something else.

Of course whatever other people do is their problem but looking at my friends experiences it gives me an idea of the difficulties that I might face also.

How many people would say hey mum or dad or step parents you did not offer to take care of my kids so don’t expect me to take care of you in your old age. Not every retired person is fit and healthy to do the childcare. If I’m 67 getting a grand or so a month and lucky to be able to afford holidays and days out should I forget my life to do childcare until the day I die. Or should I be able to choose my life without guilt and pressure.

How many who say you shouldn't expect care are happy to collect their inheritance.

There are 9 grandchildren from your 4 children, correct? And all live close enough that you could potentially do regular childcare for any of them. So there are 8 parents, presumably, all in close proximity, and 9 grandparents other than you. Roughly. Blended families and early deaths obviously change the calculation a bit. In any case, you can’t possibly be the only “resource” available to help with childcare. The middle generation can help each other — if one is late home from work can’t their child spend an evening with their cousins at short notice? In school holidays there are plenty of adults to share the annual leave juggling. And between multiple parents and grandparents the occasional pick up or sick day really should be occasional.

I still can’t understand why it’s hard for you to just talk to whichever of your children made the comments about childcare. You can be sympathetic and interested in the challenges without having to solve everything yourself, that’s meaningful support too. You can set out your boundaries and your hopes for retirement and discover together if there’s a way you can help out that feels comfortable to you.

The specific scenario just sounds a bit… over simplified? From one single comment you’re inferring a very significant commitment and so concerned about it that you’re considering to delay your retirement? And all those friends who got “railroaded” into helping with childcare, again these sound like very simplified accounts.

FWIW my rule of thumb is this: I won’t give up my luxury to support someone else’s luxury (nor ask someone else to do this for me). I won’t give up my necessity to provide someone else’s necessity. I will at least seriously consider giving up my luxury to help family / friends and occasionally strangers with their necessity. Hardly a deep thought! But I find it’s helpful to categorize in this way when I’m unsure or feeling put upon. The other rule of thumb is that whatever you decide to give, give it cheerfully.

So I don’t think it’s a simple “this is my retirement therefore I’ll never use my time to help anyone”, but it is your time to make decisions about: what part is necessary for your health and wellbeing and general happiness; what part (if any) might you be able to share; do you think the benefit to others of sharing your time justifies the loss of luxury to you (might require an actual conversation with your children to understand why they are apparently so desperate for help and other solutions aren’t working)?

Yanbu.
You don't need to be providing free 'childcare' to have a great relationship with grandkids.

It is simplified as I am not going to go into all of the details here.

DC would like the help because childcare is so expensive. Yes they have solutions in place now but are spending a lot of their income on childcare. Having me look after the grandchildren would save them a lot of money.

It would mean a huge reduction in freedom for me.

I really don't think grandparents should do the childcare for their DC. We are part of a group of friends and we are all constantly going away for a few days or meeting in London for lunch. I think when you get to your 60s, life should be about having fun and a great time while you still can. Looking after young children can be hardwork and frankly quite tediously dull. There is a reason we have children whilst still young, you still have the energy and enthusiasm for it all. Very tiring though once you become older.

Expecting regular help with 9 grandchildren is unreasonable. It would be very difficult to be “fair”.

I think in your shoes IF you wanted to I would help with genuine emergencies and one offs only. And only if both parents pulling their weight with taking time off work. I wouldn’t help with a child with a contagious stomach bug for example but I might help if a child had been off school with chicken pox for 2 weeks already and both parents had maxed out their leave allowance, that kind of thing.

I’m afraid I never forgave my ex in laws for refusing to help us for a one off genuine emergency, considering my now exh was always dropping things to help them and they benefitted from extensive free childcare from one set of grandparents themselves. It shouldn’t be transactional no but give and take.

You have 9 grandchildren, yet have never helped out with the school pick ups thus far.

I’m sure your children will manage just fine if you don’t want to help out with the school pick ups when you retire.

All they did was ask.

And you said no.

They’ll just do what they’ve always done regarding school pick ups.

I’m not sure what the big drama is.

Looking after young children can be hardwork and frankly quite tediously dull this is true! I am exhausted after a couple of hours.

How young are they ?

Babies - 7 year old.

Point out that childcare is £25.00 per hour or part of an hour, and ask them if they can afford your employment terms?

I don't want to be employed looking after children.

Can I ask did you enjoy being a mother? I only ask as my mum loved being a mum and that showed when it came to her grandchildren, my mother in law hated being a mum and has no time for her grandchildren at all.
I don’t think for a moment you should have to babysit it is within your rights to decide what you want from life now you have raised your own, I think you just need to be honest and just say no how they react to that is upto them. I was just curious though as it is a something I have noticed with a few of my friends parents too.

when you get to your 60s, life should be about having fun and a great time while you still can

Sounds lovely, but that means on average about 50% of your life economically inactive and, in your plan, also not contributing to raising children. That’s historically an extremely unusual expectation and the economic crisis we’re living through suggests it’s not really practical. Helping out with childcare (or the cost of it) doesn’t feel like a new or strange thing to do, and there are a lot of shades of grey between nothing at all and a full time commitment. Do what you want to do and square it within your own family, I just find that general sweeping statements like this need a bit more thought behind them for the implications on a larger societal scale. Do you really, in general, think that we should arrange society so as to protect lunches and days out for 60 somethings over things like stable housing and childcare for young families? Obviously this is a simplification but there’s a certain amount of labour we could make use of as a society and a certain amount we need to consume (and much more we want to consume!), prioritizing retirement and pensions and so on does have knock on consequences. Older but still capable people saying they “should” have protected free time is not inherently more defensible than young parents saying they “should” have access to cheaper childcare options, is it?

I did enjoy being a mother yes. I just do not want to responsible for young children again. I already babysit here and there and that is enough. But have a weekly schedule is just too much. .I don't currently get asked to do anymore as I am working.

But if I retire, I feel like it will ramp up. Yes I can have boundaries but it usually ends up being more going on my friends experiences. Some of them wished they had carried on working. Their husbands don't get asked to do childcare even though some of them have retired.

You won't be, they could not afford you.

How young are they ?

No I can understand that, my mum passed away a few years back she used to offer to do school pick ups sleepovers ect be cause she wanted to but I never expected her to, my mother in law will straight up say she has no time for children and I am fine with that.
i dont think the relationship with your grandchildren should be transactional if my mother in law just didn’t want to do child care but wanted to see the children I would be fine with that and welcome it. I don’t hold it against her I actually appreciate her honesty I would not want to leave my children with someone who didn’t really want to be minding them anyway.
the only advise I can give is to just be really honest everyone knows where they stand then. Just say you are retiring and have plans for things you want to do, you will help out in emergencies but regards to set days, school runs ect it’s a no. They will sort it out themselves like they already have been. I would not be willing to keep working just to avoid telling them no.

She is not blaming other women. She is just telling you what was said to her. What is your problem?