to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Absolutely true, however being a good parent involves teaching a child to stand on their own two feet and accept their responsibilities without relying on anyone else making sacrifices for them. I'd criticise someone getting a dog without making provision for care properly, let alone a child.

If a grandparent is happy and healthy enough and wanting to do childcare then great, but it shouldn't be an expectation.

I would also argue that a grandparent that has all the responsibilities and is too tired to have fun with their grandchildren will have a less fulfilling relationship with the child and vice versa.

I worked full time, as did my husband. We supported each other- - but nobody can make an extra few hours out of the day.
I never needed time for the gym- horses keep you plenty fit.
Did I say motherhood was hard? No. So I don't know why you felt the need to pull that out of the air...
Good for you that you feel happy to be perpetually raising children. Some of us moved away from the kitchen sink.

I've said nothing about it being grandmother's role. I've said in another post that the men in my family do equal childcare. If you want to make this about sex put it to the PPs who talk about DILs asking for childcare (including the OP) rather than seeing the sons as equally responsible for the childcare.
Saying no because someone wants to enjoy retirement isn't an issue. What I find odd is that someone would decide to work just to avoid doing some childcare. That does indicate someone doesn't want to be with their GC rather than them just wanting to enjoy their time.
OP talked about some school pick ups, that's not full time childcare. It is a bit of childcare and much less than a full time job, which OP is considering choosing to avoid school pick ups.

My mum has never worked and made it clear ahe isnt doing childcare from tbe first grandchild. She does emergencies only, which can be helpful. Its her life, and not her problem.
Just be clear about what you will and won't be doing.

Lots of grandparents don't do childcare.

That poster doesn't have grandchildren either so I'm not sure why she made that comment?

I’m not responsible for my grown up dc who live elsewhere who work and if they have kids I will not be responsible for childcare if I choose not to. Your being very judgmental the op wants to live her life now. why should she feel obligated to help out grandparents can be useful and love the gc without giving up their life. It’s not that they don’t love or care for them they just want to retire and enjoy what is left of their lives.

Has anyone on here ever known an OP more resolutely determined to not respond to any suggestions that may solve the problem raised in her original post?

Hundreds of posts in.
Many different suggestions of ways around the problem.

OP is still banging away with sex wars and intergenerational angst stuff.

It's almost like the OP is a creation to generate traffic and bickering (or fodder for an article in a shite paper).

This is what I am concerned about it. People keep saying have boundaries, be firm. But things happens gradually. More and more keeps being expected.

This has happened to a few of my friends @achromaticdudgeon they started off helping out here and there and it grew out of control until their lives got taken over by the grandchildren. The time they had to themselves was more and more restricted because a child needed picking up here and there or was ill etc.

I never get called on in the week now as I am working. They resolve all the childcare issues themselves.

That is my concern about retiring. I am tempted to go part time and set up a business which will fill my time and give me freedom but without making me available for school/nursery pick ups.

But it won't just be a few school pickups because it never is! I've got several friends who are grandmothers and their lives are ruled by young children. They are basically re-living their child rearing years all over again, except they are considerably older. Some of them have to get up at 6am to get children ready and do the school run, then make sure they're there in the afternoon to do the pick up. They can't make proper plans, have a regular hobby or even book holidays without factoring in their childcare obligations. Going to work would be a darn sight easier in many cases. And not every older woman (or man) wants to spend their retirement looking after young kids. You seem to think that the only possible way grandparents can love and spend time with their grandkids is to become de facto parents.

PPs who talk about DILs asking for childcare (including the OP) rather than seeing the sons as equally responsible for the childcare. - just to reiterate this is what my friends told me was their experience. It was the DD/DILs asking for childcare and doing all the organising. The men stayed out of it all.

It would not be just school pick ups. DD has suggested I may like to look after her baby for a couple of days a week so she can do more days at work as well as picking up her other children from school.

Work is easier!!

Exactly. I have been there and done that. My life was ruled by school picks up for years. I had to squeeze everything in around school hours.

I love booking a day off work and just going wherever I want without having to think about school pick ups, children's illnesses, preparing meals for children etc.

Well said! I have good health and want to make the most of my life. It was incredibly hard having 4DC.

I know OP. This has become the modern witch trials. Grandmothers who don't want to do full, or almost full time childcare should be burned at the stake because they aren't "proper" women. We're expected to be the eternal caregivers and god help us if we aren't. Not only should we be forever willing but we should do it with a great big smile on our faces.

While men remain mostly free of these expectations and pressures. A lot of people will not trust their fathers or grandfathers to do the care, so it lands on poor grandmothers yet again.

In the "old days" grandmother were likely to help - and they were likely twenty years younger than current day grandmothers. My mother was 69 years old when her first grandchild was born. She had children in her thirties and so did I. If we had both had children in our twenties she would have been nearer 50 - she was an outlier for her time but many grandmothers today are in their seventies with their first grandchildren. If I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren I imagine outings and so forth but there is no way that I am signing up for fulltime childcare in my dotage. My grandmother may have been an outlier too as after having about 10 children of which five survived the Spanish flu' she made it perfectly plain to her children that she was not up for any more child-rearing.

Whenever people say this it ways reads to me like they've completely forgotten their parents raised and cared for them when they were a vulnerable child, which is more comparable to the care and a parent may need when old an vulnerable. The suggestion that if they don't do childcare then you owe them absolutely nothing suggests you popped out of the womb in your 30s pregnant with your own kids.
I'm not necessarily saying anyone is owed care from their children when they're elderly but it's weird how childcare for GCs is given as the only thing a parent could possibly do to earn that.

I doubt that many, if any, will expect immediate daily care from their children, and anyone doing so would be every bit as unreasonable as OP 's children seem to be.

Absolutely. And it's all very well saying that sons and son-in-laws should be talking about childcare. But really? Men very, very rarely organise childcare unless they are perhaps the primary parent. It's our daughters and DILs who arrange it and what are we supposed to do about that. Tell them that we won't communicate with them and only with their husbands? I'd like to see how that conversation ends!

Yeah. You're basically going to be doing two full days of childcare and five days of school pick up, they're assuming.

If I were you I'd carry on working but go part time, unless you're prepared to have the hard conversation.

I'd be tempted to say "I've given up the idea of retiring, because it seems as though I won't be able to do the things of planned because I'd be constantly doing childcare"

When I do work related childcare, it all goes through my son in law. He packs their bags, does the communicating with me, and delivers the children to me. He starts work later than my DD, so is in charge of it all.

This isn't the case for every grandparent. Please, can people just communicate with their families about this and get the balance in their lives working well for everyone?

Because on the flip side you end up with a situation like my friend Beth's. Her parents live nearby, her husband's dad lives far away, her husband's mum and partner live nearby. Her parents have helped out - and by that I don't mean 5 days a week and weekend babysitting, it's a day a week and occasional help. The MIL doesn't do a regular day. Every single time they've asked if she would like to babysit it's a no. Next year it's her 40th and they asked the MIL if she would have their children (who'll be about 7 and 4 by then), and the MIL said "oh, I might book a holiday around then". She's unreliable and not interested but still has the audacity to moan to her friends and her son that she doesn't get to see the grandchildren as much as the other grandparents. No shit Sherlock. Beth's decided to stop asking. It's just not worth it.

@KaleQueen "When the daughter retires and the OP says oh great you’re retired now you can help with my shopping, medical appointments and a bit of cleaning please as I’m very old and infirm now."

The OP has already raised her family and spent at least a quarter of her life doing so. Like most mothers have. Besides, a hell of a lot of adult kids these days get substantial inheritances - so that might sweeten the blow a bit.

Maybe just me but it doesn't sound totally benevolent and one sided there. I think most people would take what I assume must be a free or low cost living option with family whether they babysat them as kids or not. Will they be inheriting?

I don’t think that’s comparable. Choosing to have children was a choice. There seems to be this idea that you raise them and then once they reach adulthood, you cease to be a parent.

‘Raised and cared for them’ - well yes, that’s a legal obligation when it comes to having children, not a nice to have or an optional extra once yeeted out of the womb.

No, one is obliged to help anyone, just because they’re family. Be it for childcare or elderly care. But as a parent, to stand back and watch your adult child struggle because “it’s my time now” but expect them then to support you when you need care because you raised them.

And then the daughter will be on here bitching that her mother is selfish because she has retired and won't do the childcare. The daughter will be told her mother is a selfish boomer and that she should go N/C with her.