to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

@LeaveItLizzy one day each once a fortnight or one day each once a month

Same has happened to quite a few of my friends. Started with with one grandchild then slowly their lives started to be taken over with more and more grandchildren to care for. Plus their homes have taken a battering with several young grandchildren.

You wait until you have teenagers! Parenting nursery and primary age kids is easy. No wonder you talk about not seeing parenting as making any sacrifices.

You don’t even have grandchildren!

She’s not selfish!

@Pennyfan people said "just you wait" when I was pregnant, when they were new-borns, babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers you will forgive me if I take it with a massive bucket of salt because all the "just you waits" never seemed quite as bad as the negative nellies made out.
I also have a teen DSD so I am well aware of what the teen years bring.

I don't think that you should have to stay in work to get out of providing regular childcare. You need to tell your daughter or daughter in law and there husband's or partner's together that you have decided to retire.
Tell them that your looking forward having free time to get involved in new things, that your looking forward to meeting up with friends and doing some traveling as well.

Tell them straight out that your not going to be available to collect kids from school each day but that you will try to help them out if they are stuck and you can mind the kids an odd Saturday night so they can go out.
I have friends and family with kids and just been able to get a bit of help the odd day or having a child collected and brought to or from somewhere made life easier. The parents in this case did not expect or ask for free childcare.

Also small kids are hard work and take more out of you as you get older. Then you don't want to be getting there colds, flu's ect. You also want to go places and do things when your health and stamina are still good to enjoy them. As you get older your health can decline say in your early to mid 70's and suddenly you may not be able to drive and need help going places. I also know people that got diagnosed with life limiting conditions and ended up with high care needs before they died.
Having memories and photos of day out, holidays ect helped them and there families then.

To be honest it cheeky to expect you to mind grandkids on a daily basis once you retire. If you around to mind the kids the odd day or give the parents an odd night out that enough.

My best friend has three daughters-in-law, each with two young children.

Although she is officially retired, she took a zero-hours, on-call type job, supposedly because she wanted to save for a bucket list trip without dipping into her pension.

In reality, she needed an excuse to set boundaries. When she first retired, she agreed to 'occasionally' help with childcare, sick days, and school closures. However, within three months, the constant stream of 'occasional' crises across six grandchildren turned her into a full-time, unpaid nanny, cook and events coordinator.

She was utterly exhausted. The level of entitlement was breathtaking; they clearly felt their time was more valuable than hers simply because she was retired. The tipping point was when a grandchild was actually dropped off at her gate without any prior notice or agreement. The parent was "in a hurry" because the child was sick, operating under the dismissive assumption that since she was retired, she had nothing better to do than garden anyway.

Since taking the new job, she simply isn't available to jump in at a moment's notice. It’s amazing how quickly those "emergencies" get solved by the parents once she is no longer the default solution.

(By the way, she works about one half day out of every two weeks in a supermarket, but she is on the rota)

And?

Huh?

When you retire it is because you have finished working and should not be expected to do childcare if you don't want to. Just tell your DC you plan to relax and go on more holidays in retirement. I did look after my dgc for a week when my DD was in hospital but I don't normally do so because they have their activity clubs they enjoy. I didn't realise quite how exhausting I'd find it.

The OP is a grandmother and the one that has been asked to do childcare. I'm pretty sure she would've said "and so has my husband". In fact she hasn't mentioned her DH at all so it obviously doesn't apply. In any event, I think it's pretty safe to say that women (whether mothers or grandmothers) still do the vast majority of childcare and are the one's pretty much expected to. If you know of lots of grandfathers who've taken on full time childcare, then obviously your societal experiences differ from mine.

You wait until you have teenagers! Parenting nursery and primary age kids is easy. No wonder you talk about not seeing parenting as making any sacrifices

Right. Sleepless nights and endless demands don't always involve crying babies.

What do you mean “and”? I think it’s pretty obvious.

This happens to only the firmest of women.
My friends have seen enough of this with older sisters, fridnds and relatives to be a lot firmer.

My friends all had their children in their 30's and mostly juggled careers.
Now in their 60's, about to retire, taking on childcare again is not on their agenda.
Also very few have grandchildren yet as they are busy establishing careers and grandchildren could arrive in the next 10 years.
Doing childcare in your 70's is not for the faint hearted.

I mean, and? And so what? So what if I don’t have grandchildren? Am I not allowed to comment? Are you the comment police?

That’s appalling but she actually has three sons. The DILs are not the reason for this. It’s her sons.

No, I am not the comment police. However, considering your vitriol against a Granny when you have never been one yourself, I felt like pointing it out to you.

Vitriol? Give it a rest.

I’m far from bitter but you called op selfish because she doesn’t match up to your family nobody is selfish to choose themselves later on in life. Yes kids for life not responsibility for life.

@Pessismistic they are responsibility for life or parents of adult disabled children wouldn't help and support them.

When you decide to have children you decide to be there for them forever, that's the whole gig.

@LeaveItLizzy like I said I have a teen DSD I am aware of all the things teens can bring.

like I said I have a teen DSD I am aware of all the things teens can bring

Maybe. I suppose it varies. Mine were a bloody sight easier when they were babies/toddlers. Even with the lack of sleep.

@LeaveItLizzy unfortunately I'm that mum that everyone loves to hate mine slept through from 8 weeks barring illness, DSD has had a few normal friendship issues and teen flounces but nothing brutal, she is nearly 16 now and we have her 50/50 she is a lovely girl.

You can't call it guilt tripping just because you don't like it. You clearly want to have your cake and eat it too