to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Hopefully you will understand why so many parents are skipping the next generation when it comes to inheritance.

What about all the grandads and the mothers of the DILs?

That’s not the question. The question is should THIS op refuse childcare. What about etc etc is irrelevant?

@Paganpentacle you said "When exactly is MY time?" the capitals imply that you are getting quite shouty about this - the stamping of feet was a hyperbole.

I am trying to understand why you are viewing helping your family, your community, the people you love, as a sacrifice.

Your DC are cheeky af!

Thanks for clarifying. It’s only the OP you expect to take on a job in her retirement.

@Differentforgirls my parents are mid 60s my grandparents are mid to late 80s I am early 30s

I cannot fathom parents who would assume this. I wouid be honest and say I can help from time to time but want to relax in my retirement.

Who is producing all these entitled parents?!

OP I understand your view, pick everyday is a huge commitment, I love the freedom that I have now that my DC are out of primary, it’s wrong that your adult child would jump to suggest that, adhoc yes but not daily, it would limit any day plans you have.

When the daughter retires and the OP says oh great you’re retired now you can help with my shopping, medical appointments and a bit of cleaning please as I’m very old and infirm now. …wonder what the reply might be? Oh no I couldn’t possibly this isn’t how I imagined retirement! What about my leisurely lunches?

This whole subject has been really interesting, I’ve been reading the various threads over the last couple of days, on top of various threads over the years from grandparents and parents alike, and I’m going to take a few lessons from them and start building up some thoughts and boundaries ready for the day I might be blessed with grandchildren:

1. Dh and I will not be rushing to commit to regular childcare (assuming the gcs live nearby) but we would certainly love to help out with babysitting and having the kids here to stay for a week or two during the holidays.
2. If we do find ourselves helping out on a regular basis it will be for a maximum of one day a week, and if dh and I want to go on holiday or have other plans then provided we give them reasonable notice, our DDs must understand that our needs come first and they will have to make suitable arrangements to cover.
3. Dh and I have brought up two healthy and mentally stable children and we will not be dictated to over diet, discipline etc. I speak for dh here, but we will be as we’ve always been: firm but fair. Of course we’ll put the grandchildren’s needs top priority but I won’t be pandering to stupid diet fads (allergies and religious reasons not withstanding) and we will insist that we be allowed to discipline the children fairly. Similarly, if we decide to take the kids out one day and treat them to a one-off ice cream a little close to supper time, well the world won’t end and we will not be chastised for it.
4. the moment I feel as if I’m being taken for granted, words will be had.
5. we will only commit to looking after the gcs if we are still physically healthy and not too stacked up with other caring needs (such as our own parents)
6. We will not be using the childcare as a bargaining chip in later years when dh and I might need care. We will make it clear to the DCs that any childcare we do will be voluntary, no strings and done out of willingness. It will not be transactional. In return, they must understand that we will not be beholden to taking on any more care than we would want to do WILLINGLY.
7. and finally, there is no way I am going to let dh sit back and watch me make all the decisions and do the lion’s share. So long as he is around at the same time, all care will be equal.

Good luck to us eh 🤣 I appreciate this may all sound a bit idealistic but my DDs are decent souls that have always been kind and grateful so I think they’ll be reasonable. These threads have been a really valuable source of information so thank you to all.

The thing I noticed as well with neighbours as well that they often seemed to be automatic childcare for grandchildren for school holidays, from first thing in the morning.
For multiple grandchildren.

Their own children are in work with a coffee and lunch break and grandmothers are run ragged, particularly if the weather is poor.

I know for sure one neighbour, now passed, had a son that had four children, that she had full time, definitely afforded them because of her providing free childcare.

Her three daughters who paid for childcare had one and two children.

There was a lot of resentment that the eldest son got in first needing childcare, and dominated it for 20 years, right up to her sudden stroke that left her completely incapacitated.

For the OP to remain ad hoc in work, giving her another out is a great idea.

Have your parents retired? My dad and my MIL had my two. Dad for 2 days and MIL for 0.5 days. But they were 49 and 54.

Well her children aren’t having a harder life due to her decision.

Their choice to have children was their decision. If their life is harder because of their decision to have children, that’s on them.

@Sunshine231 this is what we do as well, my parents and in-laws book whatever holidays they fancy they just let us know and we make sure we have it covered so they don't feel "stuck"

@JHound just like she chose to have them in the first place, you don't stop helping and supporting your kids when they need you just because they are adults with their own children

I've sacrificed my entire adult life ... I've helped practically, supported financially and I've always been there emotionally.
I'm sorry you don't feel this is enough, and that you can't look to your own needs without feeling guilty.
If you feel I'm shouting its simply because you don't seem to want to hear any other opinion than your own....

@Differentforgirls my parents have both retired, MIL is retired, FIL still works (early 60s) - my parents do one school/nursery pick up for my 3-7pm (dinner and bath) and one full day for my nursery age child plus the pick up for the school child.
weds 3-7pm
Friday 8-5pm

However, I do think it’s a bit selfish to not want to help with school pick ups. I hope I will have more grace for my own kids when they are older and if they have children of their own.

I have 9 grandchildren. It is easy to call other people selfish when you are not even in that position.

Thanks.

You keep focusing on men vs women. I suspect because you know it's selfish to say no.

No one said men were exempt and many posters have given examples of involved fathers and grandfathers.

@PaganpentacleI don't feel guilty about my needs, I don't know why you felt the need to pull that out of the air.
If I have a need I go and do the thing that I need. Sorry you don't feel like you had the support you needed to be able to go to the gym or for drinks with friends or whatever it is you feel you sacrificed.
Maybe its just that I don't think motherhood has been that hard so far so the term "sacrifice" feels really dramatic.

@JLou08 "Are your GC that bad that you'd rather opt out of retirement so you can avoid a bit of childcare?"

And with that comment you are actually part of the problem. You're perpetuating the stereotype that childcare is a grandmother's role and that they should be absolutely delighted about it too. And it's not just "a bit of childcare". Many, many grandmothers are having look after grandkids virtually full time. They are run ragged at an age when they shouldn't be. It's not as easy as saying "no" either. The pressure and guilt tripping is often off the scale and it's basically suggested that childcare refusal equates to not loving their grandchildren enough (which is pretty much what you've just said).

"Sorry guys I don't want to be tied down with regular childcare. I'm happy to do one maybe 2 days"

How do you do that when you have 4 sets of grandchildren? Have them all at once at a time of your choosing?

I can't see where she's said it's a grandmother's job, perhaps I've missed it. We don't know what conversations have been had with the grandfather or whether it hasn't been raised because he isn't at the point of retirement yet