to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Anything can happen. I might provide childcare and then the DC move to another country and couldn't support me anyway. It happened to a friend of mine. She helped a lot with childcare and all her DC moved to Australia so she is having to manage on her own now.

It very much depends what you've got going on in your life.
I love my children- I'm pretty sure if they have children I'll love them too.
Not wanting to give up your retirement doesn't equate to not loving people FFS.
I've sacrificed my time for my family- I was/am the main wage earner and I couldn't do the things I wanted to do because of work, and when I wasn't working I was bringing my kids up.
When exactly is MY time?

Its not occasional if you do it every time they ask, it could be if you set limits. You don't have to do it every time, you don't have to it at all, but if it was convenient for you, not a contagious illness that concerned you. You could help them occasionally if you stay strong enough to say no when it doesn't work for you. And establish what you are willing to do at the outset.

For example, you could say you'll look after each grandchild, one on one, or up to 2 at a time, for one or two inset or school holiday days each year. That is a commitment of around 9 days, not even one each month, no illnesses involved. It helps your DC, saves them annual leave or holiday club costs, but doesn't over commit you. If they complain about it, withdraw the offer. You don't have to do nothing just because their expectations are higher than what you want to do.

It is unreasonable to expect them to be asking your DH for the same when he isn't retired. It is a societal issue that more grandmothers are asked for childcare than grandfathers. Its not all the time, I would say the expectations are non gender based in my wider family currently. But he isn't retired so in your situation their expectations can't be compared yet.

Time and effort can be given without childcare

Exactly!!

It's not a bit of childcare though, is it? It's regularly and scheduled.

The children don't have to be bad for a grandparent not want to be there for regular childcare.

It always feels a bit like blackmail when parents use the " well if you love your grandchildren, you'd want to want to be with them as much as possible" bullshit line.

the village tended to include ppl telling other peoples kids off if they caught them misbehaving. Now it only means free childcare

I've said this before on these types of thread. That phrase is much misunderstood nowadays.

I don't have grandchildren, but at 60 I wouldn't want to commit to a school pick up every day and ongoing care. I'm also still looking after elderly parents and wouldn't have time anyway!

With nine grandchildren it would be Impossible to do fairly, so to keep things equal I would only agree to emergency help.

I would stand firm and enjoy your well deserved retirement. A loving relationship wouldn't be talking about stopping visits and future care because you're not allowing yourself to be used as unpaid labour.

Precisely. It’s completely fair enough to not want to help beyond having the Gcs for the odd holiday/weekend or being there for emergencies (sickness, an operation/hospital stay). This was what we were offered from GPs who live some distance from us, but was offered freely. To be unsexist, FiL also helped - both with playing and entertaining my DCs but also in replumbing bathrooms, building the first budget patio and converting an old shed into a play house - but we never expected it and welcomed their offers to participate freely on their terms in our/our children's lives. But we made the decision (based on their distance) that I would have to give up work as it was cheaper than nanny/childcare, and also to only have 2 children on the basis of what we could afford and manage because we would never/could never have presumed they would relocate to support us [which a few friends’ parents did, remarkably, so they now feel burdened with the obligation to look after them in old age].

However, we also want to help and support PiLs in old age as much as we can (mainly by offering financial support to help them stay in their home as long as possible, supported by SiL who lives around the corner and happily helps in person).

And, as a result of this we have also financially planned to be a little a burden as poss on our children whilst offering the same level of support with DCs should they ever have them. However, we were older parents, so likely to be much older DGPs when/if our turn comes which I think is also an issue today. It was one thing to have had help from a non working 50 something grandparent (both ours were retired by 55), but it’s another thing to expect it from an only recently retired late 60s which will be my DH’s case.

Just to add, my DCs adore their DGPs despite not having them in their lives on a daily/weekly basis. We’ve always supported both sides in the relationship and not made it transactional as some people seem to do (ie they won’t babysit, so they can’t see them type of thing).

You do you op.

Hopefully you will understand if your children and their partners are too busy to help you in an old age when you need support.

And even if they aren’t too busy to help you but simply choose not to (because they’d like to go on holiday and relax, etc) hopefully being understanding of “not wanting to help, even though I could” works both ways.

after all they wouldn’t be obligated to help you and, according to you, families can have good relationships without any expectation of care ☺️

Exactly this pretty sure childcare isn't only the responsibility of their daughters and DIL's, their sons and son in laws played their part too you know

@Paganpentacle

I think we just have different perspectives on life.

I am also the main wage earner, and I still make time to care for those in my family who need it (so was my mother funnily enough) and neither of us feel the need and stamp our feet and shout "what about meeee" because it hasn't been a sacrifice, to care for the people I love is a privilege.

But equally I still go on girls trips, have hobbies go to the gym etc. I didn't lose myself to motherhood and neither did my MIL or own DM (we aren't massive super earners by any stretch lower to average at best)

My parents have interests and hobbies and a busy social life and go on holiday (spontaneously). They still make time for their grandchildren and helping their own children. Same for DHs parents. They aren't giving anything up by helping me they are gaining precious time with their grandchildren while they are small.

@LeaveItLizzy anyone is welcome to correct my children's behaviour at any point (although they don't really need to because I don't let them run feral in public)

This brilliant

There we go with the guilt tripping on older women.

As I have mentioned this is what my friends have said. In their cases, none of the sons or the son in laws are contacting my friends regarding the arrangements for childcare, doing the pick ups or drop offs.

@skizz why are you obsessed with it only being women that are doing this - that post you just replied to didn't mention women or mothers at all and there have been many posts saying how GF and FILs help out just as much.

What are you looking for other than an echo chamber?

But OP is already doing this. She sees her nine grandchildren regularly and looks after them when needed. Like your parents.

So why are you implying that she's refusing to do anything for them? All she's doing is saying that she doesn't want to do school pickups every day.

You don't have to argue with me. I'm just pointing out that you seen to have misunderstood her point and are criticising her unfairly

Who is stamping their feet?
If you're happy doing what you do- great for you.
However- nobody should feel they HAVE to.
We have but one life.

Holy fuck.
Bringing your OWN kids up isnt enough now... you HAVE to bring your grandkids up or get ostracised.

Erm you’re the one who’s asked for opinions in AIBU. Or did you only want opinions that agreed with you?

I am disagreeing - not saying nobody should post something different to me. I am allowed to disagree like many other people did with that poster.

Exactly, it is the veiled threat directed mostly against grandmothers.

@saraclara the literal title of her thread is that she would rather work than spend time with her grand children in a way she knows would help her children out, regardless of what she does do now.
I wasn't implying she does nothing now, sorry it came across like that. It is ultimately her choice but not helping when you are able to is a selfish one. Some people will think it is her right to make that choice, but I couldn't live a life of relaxation knowing my children were having a harder time due to my decision.

I feel the same way about the elderly people in my life, I could say no grandma I have a pilates class on Saturdays now, you can walk to Morrisons. She absolutely could if she needed to, but why would I make her life more difficult for her when I can help?

What age are your parents and grandparents?

Actually I think I’ve changed my mind. You absolutely should keep working and or refuse to do childcare as children need to be cared for by people who love them and want to spend time with them not people who see them as a burden or an inconvenience or a ‘bind’ or an obstacle to their own fun and freedom. Being a grandparent in title by virtue of the fact your child has given birth, and actually ‘being’ a grandparent are two different things. Pick which one you want to be and crack on. Your life your choice.

I would not expect my parents or in laws to have our kids if they are unwell. IMO it’s unreasonable for anyone to expect that. Illnesses get passed on and I personally don’t want my parents getting unwell as a result of looking after my children. However, I do think it’s a bit selfish to not want to help with school pick ups. I hope I will have more grace for my own kids when they are older and if they have children of their own.

Our arrangements have been that if grandparents are helping on a regular basis (let’s say 2 pick ups per week) they let us know in advance if they ever have plans or are going away and we make alternative childcare arrangements on those dates without any dispute. That way they don’t have to plan their lives around us. On dates grandparents can’t do we either take annual leave or pay for childcare. It still helps us massively to have help with childcare when grandparents are available, there is still a huge cost saving for us even if the grandparents are away once or twice per month let’s say.

And also my dad and father in law help with the kids just as much as my mother / mother in law.