to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Oh, another selfish rant (yawn).
You said you've brought up 4 kids. Have you really never had any help with childcare yourself?
All this selfishness is just fuelling profit of shareholders and big childcare corporations in this country and destroying family relations.

Myself and DH were self employed so we managed the school runs between us. DH's parents were in another country and my parents were working so no options of asking them to do childcare.

DH is still working and unlikely to retire for a few years yet.

The trouble is it would not be occasional - there are 9 grandchildren which means something is going on nearly every single week with illnesses, needing pickups and other issues. It would be hard to say no to the sudden things that are inevitable with children. I don't get asked now because I am working.

All the illnesses put me off as well. The amount of times my friends who do regular childcare have come down with coughs, colds, shingles, conjunctivitis, chest infections etc. The children get better quickly but their immune systems take a hammering for weeks.

Basically women have to pay back any help they get while men don't?

Yes! The restrictive nature of it puts me off. I did that for years myself with my own 4 DC. It is hard to plan a day out with friends knowing either I would not be able to go until I took them to school or rush to get back early to pick them up.

Not least the endless providing of food and the cleanup after they all left

OMG yes! A major clean up operation is needed after they visit and that is just for a few hours. If I do regular childcare, it will be even more cleaning, food prep etc.

I do love the peace and quiet of my WFH days. Not sure I can deal with all the noise and mess on a regular basis if I start doing childcare.

And there's the veiled threat. Do it or be excluded

It happens every time this comes up. Fact is, you can have a lovely close loving relationship with grandchildren while their parents are there. You don't have to be in regular sole charge of kids to bond.

@op why are you obsessed with it only being women? I don't know any modern families where grandfathers are not as involved as grandmothers.

Even my own grandfathers used to help after they retired and they are in their late 80s now.

If you don't want to help then don't some people will agree that it is your right to spend your time however you want, some people will think it is horribly selfish. Only you know what decision you are comfortable living with.

Don't then.

I think it’s perfectly normal to see a trend of topics for posts. Maybe OP saw the other grandparents/childcare posts and wanted to ask about her own specific situation with the extra context/nuance

I don’t think you’re being selfish OP, and I speak as someone who had no help raising DC other than from their father. My DC are my responsibility. Having them for an occasional day or overnight stay because you want to is one thing but you shouldn’t be expected to give up your free time to be on call childcare. That’s not ok if you’re not happy to do it. And the illness angle is a perfectly reasonable reason to turn it down IMO.

My and DH's situation is not the same, but we are having to be clear before an upcoming grandchild is born that we will not be able to take on regular childcare. Covering emergencies definitely, treats and outings for the child, also half-days and eventually overnights to give the parents a break, financial contributions if needed, but not regularly being in sole charge for whole days.
We are not physically up the rushing around and lifting that is needed for a small child, so we really can't take it on, which perhaps isn't quite your situation. But feeling that it would be too pressurising to offer a day a week to only one of 9 grandchildren, and needing and wanting to continue your working life, are equally valid reasons. The parents in your case may be angry, as are the parents in ours, but we can only state our case and stick to it. Good luck.

poster you obviously have a perfect family but as a grandmother you are not selfish if you choose not to give up your free time. Just because your family do it doesn’t mean everyone else’s should do it. The op is ready for retirement not to start all over again I’m sure she spends time with them all but it’s not compulsory for her to do it instead of a job. It’s entitlement if you expect it. If your family were not able or didn’t want to help could you cope with your own dc and childcare?

If I had grandparents I saw all the time growing up I would be more likely to visit than if I saw them sporadically and didn't have such a relationship

It's possible to see grandchildren lots and regularly without having regular sole charge of them.

You decide what you are willing to do.
You have 9 DGC.

They must be different ages.
Is it better for you to have sibling groups together, or is it better to have the younger cousins or the older cousins.

The older ones maybe would rather be in out of school rather than hanging out with Granny.

Or would you rather say I'm happy to have each sibling group one Friday or Saturday night a month. Let parents have a wee date night.

And maybe you'd change your mind if you actually retired and have a load of free time on your hands.
But ultimately it's up to you what you can and are able to do.

You like a gossip clearly.

Selfishness?

It's irrelevant because her DIL hasn't hurt her, she's asked her to do something and she's done it, it's very different.. the distinction here is that your friend could have said no, she has a choice over the matter, she hasn't been forced into it against her will, so it doesn't compare to your scenario.

For instance if my sister said something like her son 'railroaded' her into lending him some money.. I wouldn't tell someone anyone else 'he railroaded her to lend him money', if I did have to repeat it to anyone I'd say she felt railroaded into lending him money.. in other words, it isn't something that was done to her, she had free will to make a choice either way.

Since when did sharing experiences with friends become gossip 😂

There we ago again - women must pay back any childcare help they get while men get left alone.

I think you need to lay down boundaries. It’s ok to say to your dc that you’re not available on a regular basis because it wouldn’t be fair to your other children as you’d have to do the same. I don’t have gc yet but am thinking I could do a day a week for gc duty when the time comes-but easy to manage as I only have 2 children. If all your dc have children themselves, how can you help put everyone? You just can’t. So lay down boundaries. Obviously emergency help and planned visits and get togethers but that’s it. When my dc were young, I had no family help as I didn’t have one. But living in London, many of my friends had no family help either as they’d all moved to London away from families. So we helped each other out when needed.

Oh god you've lost the thread of the discussion. Never mind... might be time to retire 😏

I haven't RTFT so sorry if I've missed something. When I was considering retirement I also had the experience of certain parties ready to move into that space and it was elderly parents as well as adult offspring with my DGC. I was potentially managing the needs of 4 generations. It's possible to be loving and caring to both but with boundaries although I wouldn't minimise how difficult it is to set them emotionally. As far as mismatched expectations around childcare for DGC go... I wasn't prepared to do regular days as it reduced my chances for doing things spontaneously and restricted me to feel that I had to book holidays, travel etc in the school holidays, which I'd been so happy to be released from, once my own DC grew up! However, I said I'd respond wherever I could for emergencies, help in school holidays for prearranged days when I was around and do evening babysitting. I have many friends who do in fact do regular days each week but I decided it wasn't for me. I still work ad hoc hours. Clarity helped us heal any initial bad feelings or resentment and we are fine now that we all know where we all stand.

@Pessismistic

"prefect family" you just sound bitter, no one has a perfect life

I couldn't disagree more, when we have children we have them for life - that includes helping them as adults. Also as I said previously I don't view it as "giving up time" to help family (elderly care or child care) It is a privilege to care for the people I love.

We could easily "cope" with our DC if we didn't have family support, I am still glad we have it.

Just dont be whingeing when your kids dont provide you with care and your grandchildren dont bother visiting you

What about if you're the loveliest kindest granny in the world and they all come for tea after school every day of the week, and their Mum comes too so you're not providing childcare. Just building a close and loving relationship. Does love and kindness not count if it's not providing 'childcare'?

Then you clarify that if/when you retire it will be so that you can finally take some time for yourself, not to help them out with childcare. Ie that they should not expect to change the plans they have in place currently. You have to use your words, sadly. I don’t understand why people feel they can’t say ‘no, that won’t work for me’.

As I’ve said on several of the many, many threads on this topic in the last week - the conversation about what care people are willing to offer family needs to be lifelong so that expectations are established early and family with young children know whether they can expect support and older family members understand that, in reciprocation, younger family may not be willing or able to help either so they also need to financially plan an unsupported their old age.

This is great advice, thank you.