to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

I'd find it hurtful if my child's grandparents refused to give us any kind of help, but I have never asked for regular childcare.

Definitely don't give up work! I don't like retirement particularly but had no option (or so I thought) Good luck.

What do you mean she didn't raise them?? This is what OP has said herself:

I don't get asked to do pick ups because I work. If I retire, it would be expected I do it everyday.

So my point is about her children (and her friends children), people expecting/demanding this of their retired parents are selfish and entitled, they've been raised that way, and behind every "demanding DIL" is a son who obviously thinks his mum is there to service their childcare needs too.

I think it is quite telling that these mums (grandparents) seem to be completely incapable of just saying 'no, that isn't going to work for me' because they fear the repercussions! What does that really say about the quality/foundation of the relationship? It says to me that the relationship is based on how useful you are to them, not what they think is best you as a person in your own right. It must be a horrible realisation.

Why for so many on MN is it all or nothing.

You can be supportive, babysit occasionally and be there in a pinch, but balk at having your children carve you up as a resource to be used for childcare 5 days a week?

As a parent and SAHM the school picks ups were always on my mind when out as they were an obvious non negotiatable, I had to be there.

So why should a parent want to go from working to retirement, to wanting to be navigating school traffic every day.

Emergency yes, regular pick ups carving up their day, no.

Absolutely great if a grandparent wants to do it, but for it to be assumed is extremely entitled.

For my SIL who was caught for it, it meant she was no longer available for the exercise classes she went to her club with friends, the lunches and days out with the girls.
She was shattered at the end of the day after looking after a baby from 8am to 6pm.

She had worked hard for 40 years in a demanding career, returning to work after 6 weeks in the 1970's, to now spending her 60's running around after small children because it suited her daughter to have the convenience of free childcare.

At the time my husband was appalled at her doing it. He actually said "hasn't she given her children enough of herself".

I am baffled that people are just happy to be selfish rather than helping people they are supposed to love.

i am baffled that people are just happy to be selfish rather than letting their parent enjoy spontanaity during their well earned retirement after 40 years of work and child-rearing.

It is about regular childcare, not helping people they do actually love when there is a need.

I agree about the entitlement but I meant they have a father too.

@Paganpentacle my parents worked ft till they retired, same for my in laws, my grandparents were a different generation but even my grandfathers (both in their late 80s now) helped with childcare in their early retirement. They didn't view it as "giving up their retirement" they viewed it as helping their own children and spending precious time with their grandchildren while they are small.

My DD starts school in September - I just spoke to my mum about it as she helps us with childcare, she was choked up, " I am going to miss my little friend in the week" - my parents help because they love me, they love my children and they love spending time with them. They don't view it as a sacrifice.

Equally when I go round my grandparents on Saturday mornings to take them for a weekly shop and a coffee then do some housework/gardening for them I don't view it as a sacrifice. I am not "giving up my free time" My grandparents will not be here forever it is a privilege for me to hang out with them and help them while I can"

Railroaded? Bloody hell. Can't people just grow up and have actual conversations. My mum and MIL didn't have ours any more than they offered. There was no expectation but now mine are too old to need school pick ups or looking after in the day, I'm just incredibly grateful for the time they gave and the lovely relationships they have with their grandchildren independent of me.

If you want to retire and can afford to, do it. If you want to carry on working, do it. If you want to reduce your hours, do that. If you want to use your time not working to build model planes or go to a zumba class or go on a grand tour, that's also totally up to you. If you don't want to look after your grandchildren, tell your children not strangers on the internet.

Retired grandmothers mostly. How often do people pipe up wanting their grandfathers to do childcare? They get to enjoy their retirement.

Nobody fact checks everything their friends, family and work colleagues say.

If a woman complains about her DH, do you go and fact check it with her DH?

Didn't think so.

How do I do one day a week for 9 grandchildren? There is stuff going on all the time. One is ill, one needs picking up from nursery, inset day, someone has got delayed at work so can't make pick up, one got chickenpox so can't go to nursery. It never ends.

It is possible to have a nice normal family and not be on childcare duty.

OP, if your job is tiring, consider a less demanding, flexible one.
Where you can work from home, less days, and still be your own boss, all on the quiet.

Years ago my neighbour told me the only time they got any rest from the expectations of their children was when they went on holidays.

Their children and grand children were always at the house, every weekend hanging out at theirs and their large garden.

She loved them but found it hard going, not least the endless providing of food and the cleanup after they all left.
She took to scouring for deals abroad and the sun. She didn't care if it was 4*, more than happy to go to a nice spot in the sun and a studio apartment.
She was very fond of her children and grandchildren but she said it was all quite relentless at her age.

It is not unreasonable to want a little relaxation and peace in your 60's.

@AngryHerring Do you believe that my grandparents are being selfish having my regular (multiple times a week) help whilst I am currently working full time and raising young children? Reducing my free time and spontaneity?

If I didn't help them they would have to pay for help.

If my parents didn't help me I would have to pay for childcare.

So there really is no difference, other than the fact that a certain group of people seem to think once your children are adults you don't need to help them any more for any reason.

Reducing family relationships to a transactional nature is destroying community. People are crying out for a village but nobody wants to be a villager.

If your friend says her DH did something horrible to her do you go and check with the DH or accept it as a statement of fact?

if you don't want to look after your grandchildren, tell your children not strangers on the internet - people can tell whoever they want on the internet.

There are a multitude of ways in which you can help your family. Being available every day at the same time to pick up your grandchildren from school is one. Doing as I do, and stepping up whenever there's a problem, is another. Doing regular day long childcare so the parent can go to work is yet another. People make choices based on their own needs and lifestyle as well as their family's needs.

OP had said that she's not up for doing school pick up every day, as her children seemed to have assumed that she has a duty to. It's her right to choose not to do that. She has nine grandchildren that she already had a lot to do with and who she appears to look after at her house on occasion. It's not an "I don't want to do anything to help out" decision.

But women are allowed to have interests, hobbies, and plans for their lives. And one of the few times that you're able to indulge in those things, is retirement, after decades of working.

Your children are young. You have no idea what your later life will be like. So you are not in a position to say what you will do, and in what way you will help your family.

@skizz I hope you find a way to have that conversation with your kids. You'll be
prepared to step up when there's a problem, but you will not be committing to anything regular, as you need diary flexibility in retirement. It's an entirely reasonable stance, and I hope they'll recognise it as such.

@saraclara My parents have interests and hobbies and a busy social life and go on holiday (spontaneously). They still make time for their grandchildren and helping their own children. Same for DHs parents.

I am not doing the "what about" game, it is pointless. Some parents don't have good health, some work, some are too far away, some are dead the list goes on. For me, god willing, if I am able and they want it I will help.

If she doesn't want to help no one is going to force her to, but to not help your children regardless of their age just because "I want to do my own thing" is selfish and I am beyond glad I do not live in a family like that.

I also don't believe helping is an all or nothing situation but that is not how the ops posts come across to me, if you disagree that's fine but i won't argue about it.

Of course you can tell whoever you like but the people you need to tell to make the change you want to see in your own real life are your children.

@skizz just curious, did your parents help at all with any childcare of your DC when they were younger? Whether regular, babysitting some evenings, some school holidays?

Are you married? If you are, is your partner retired but not been asked to help out yet?

You absolutely don't have to provide anything, and 9 grandchildren is a lot for any individual to look after. You clearly don't want a regular arrangement, so make that very clear to your DC.

However, assisting sometimes when kids are sick, doing the odd holiday day, is something that would help your DC immensely and I personally don't think should be discounted alongside a regular arrangement. By this I absolutely don't think you should be permanently on call or cancel plans in order to help them, but if it works for you on an occasional basis, and you keep the boundaries in place that it is occasional and subject to your availability, you can still be helpful, get some extra one on one time with them, and not impact your retirement significantly. The key is managing their expectations, which may mean some difficult conversations early on. I really hope they wouldn't try and push things too far, if they continued to and didn't respect what you were willing to offer you absolutely wouldn't be unreasonable to pull this back and withdraw help.

And if you do have a partner, or their dad is still around, absolutely remind them that he is also as available as you are!

I would hate to think that you worked longer than you wanted or needed to in order to avoid childcare, however not helping at all feels very harsh and I believe is in contrary to what most of the current generation of grandparents received themselves. My DM was a SAHM, and both sets of grandparents at least a 2 hour drive away, but still got respite during some school holidays when we visiting the grandparents unaccompanied. We don't get or expect regular or irregular childcare from my DP, but it has even been difficult to get assistance in an emergency (one DC admitted to hospital). So it feels like there is hopefully a suitable middle ground that can help them but not over commit you.

Yes I am aware of that. I have found it useful to get people's opinions first who have been through the same thing as me.

Same! My parents were still working when mine were born but they've always volunteered to help how and when they can. And now they are retired, like yours, they have lots of hobbies and interests, loads of friends, they go away regularly internationally and in the UK, they go to parties and cruises and dinners and all sorts. Their lives aren't smaller because they've looked after their grandchildren, their lives are richer for sharing their passions and interests with their grandchildren. My dad takes my sons or nephews to sports matches (internationals and more local) because he loves that they all share the same passion and interest and enjoys their company. My mum offers to take them out to castles and hikes and gardening because again, it's something she enjoys that the boys all like to do too. And now mine are teens, they opt into spending time with them independent of me. Which I bloody love to see.

No but I wouldn't dream of repeating that to a third party!

The GC are not bad. I just don't want to do childcare. It is not a bit of childcare. It would be school pick ups which is a lot

It also means that you can never plan on going anywhere or having a day out as you have to factor in being available at 3pm for a couple of hours.