to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

Well it will need to be on rotation what ever balance suits Op and the ages of the kids and the parents.

Decide what she is able and willing to do and no more.

I suspect because childcare costs have gone through the roof in recent years and often grandparents or other willing relatives are the only lifeline for some parents (but let's face it, it's almost always the mums) to retain their career. Also if you consider that the job market is dismal at the moment and that everyone has to fight 10x more than before to just keep their bloody jobs, it's not hard to see why this topic is rather hot right now.

Just say you don’t want to! My mil did, and guess what? I never asked. I even didn’t mind that she had her daughter’s children all the time, literally staying for weeks at a time. I did mind when she started complaining that she has a less close relationship with my dc than her other grandchildren.
Don’t stay at work just to avoid saying no. It’s really childish.

She doesn’t want to be tied to any days. I don’t blame her!

There is a huge value to families to have someone who is generally available to step in when things go awry, and being that person for the DDs and grandkids is a good compromise that you could use in your conversations @skizz . I had my six year old DGD on Monday, for a training day. Occasionally my DD and son in law's shifts clash, so I step in. Or I might volunteer to have a DGD for the morning when my nurse DD has worked a night.
And I've been around to be there when a DD had a workman in, who needed someone present. And I could leap into action when a DD was in a car accident, etc.

You can say that your plans for your retirement don't allow for you being scheduled for regular school pick ups, but that you will be happy to help when problems arise.

I think what the poster before means is that this is the fifth within a week.

Childcare costs have been high for a while, there have been requirements on families for both parents to work for a while. What has changed in the last week for this to suddenly become the new dogs in cafes?

The thing with regular childcare for me is that it would remove any spontenaity from my retirement.

That was entirely my thinking. Forty years of working in a job which didn't allow me to take a day off on term time, had meant me missing out on a lot. I craved the freedom to be spontaneous. And that's what retirement had given me.

So as I posted above, I help where I can, but I do not have any scheduled commitment to child care.

I'm still not sure if you think that's a good thing or not.

I voted YABU. Not because I think you should babysit because you are allowing them to manage your life.

You wabt to retire so do so and firmly shut down any expectations of regular childcare.

When the conversation comes up state.

I love my grandchildren dearly and I want to be a part of their and your lives. However I will not be available for regular childcare any childcare has to be arranged with at least 2 weeks notice. I plan on enjoying my retirement. I'm certain you all understand this and will support my decision.

Manage them from word go and let go of the guilt of saying no.

Thank fuck my parents and DH parents are nice normal people who like helping their family.

I will gladly help my children when/if they have their own children and they want it. Just like my own grandparents did for my parents. Like I gladly help my own grandparents now they are getting older too.

I am baffled that people are just happy to be selfish rather than helping people they are supposed to love.

Oh sorry, then I have misunderstood your question. I don't think love should be transactional, myself but it's a complex question involving expectations, entitlement, capacity and so forth.

Got it! Sorry, I was being dim there so thank you for your patience.

I completely agree with you.

@skizzof course you are not mean or selfish. You can choose to spend your time however you wish and there is absolutely no reason why you can’t have a close relationship with the grandkids if you are not committed to regular childcare. Do you work from home? As others have mentioned, you could drop to part time and not even mention it. Enjoy your days doing what you want. If you like you could offer the occasional pickup without making a regular commitment. There’s a huge difference between offering occasional help and support, and being expected to be there on a regular basis, thus preventing you from having your own personal commitments and hobbies, plans, trips.

I don't think it does because it always transpires that they are made up situations. Like this one 'I heard from my friend..' 'I retired early and have never been asked to do childcare'.

Say to everyone Wednesday is my childcare day.

I'm here on Wednesday for any of the grandchildren.

The rest of the week though, I'll be busy doing my stuff. In emergency I will of course help out, but other than that it's Wednesday.

This works for my friend who has 8 grandchildren.

If you have a partner who is grandad to the kids, perhaps he could offer another day a week.

That would help the parents, give you six days a week to yourself, one day without your partner to do exactly as you please (five days together to fill your boots) and it will equal up the 'women are the only ones under pressure to do this' equation.

It very much depends on individual circumstances.
My parents did look after our children- but then again, my mum never worked and my dad retired early.
On the other hand- I've never worked less than full time and neither has my husband. Should we give our retirement over to childcare?

The number of threads in one week is probably just a coincidence - but I'm quite sure there is an underlying trend which is very much tied to rising costs and less availability overall.

A tinkly laugh and a "oh no, I've got lots of things already planned" should do it!

Oh behave yourself it’s not a business transaction if you help them out with what you can then do it but it’s not compulsory. No-one should give up a job then takeover child care. I bet there are loads of people who survived no grandparents helping them I for one had to do it all myself and my dc are not damaged and I don’t expect them to take care of me when I’m older. otherwise everyone will just be doing caring roles for life. Retirement does not = starting again with grandchildren it means to enjoy what’s left of your life.

Op you should not have to think like that retirement is your time why should you commit to anything. Op you have no idea how well your going to be to enjoy the rest of your life if your dc can’t see this then there being selfish and forget that shit people are spouting about they won’t help you as you get older. Parents forget children are bloody hard work. Especially as you get older don’t be blackmailed or guilted into doing something you don’t want to do. Life can be snatched away in a heartbeat.

Well then you say, my friend 'feels like' she has been railroaded, or my friend 'says' she has been railroaded.

You've stated it as a statement of fact because you obviously agree with her stance, without, by your own admission, knowing anything about her daughters/DIL.

If you have terrible pressure/expectation from your children to do childcare for them, where saying no would not be an option without a large amount of fallout, then unfortunately you've raised some selfish, entitled children.

She didn’t raise them herself. Plus going by some posts on this and other threads, she’s not the only one.

You have two issues here, not one. Separate them in your mind.

The first is working. If you love your job, like working, want to carry on, then do it. If you'd rather retire (at the right time) then retire. Make the choice based on what you'd like to do about work/retirement, and leave the childcare issue out of this decision.

The second issue is childcare. Just because you are a grandparent, it doesn't mean you should provide childcare to help out. If you don't want to, be clear about that....you really don't have to. It doesn't mean you don't love your grandchildren, not does it mean that you wouldn't, in an absolute emergency, provide help. But on a regular basis, if you don't want to, don't. There are all sorts of reasons not to, but you shouldn't have to justify your decision either.

Make your thoughts and feelings known now so that it isn't a big shock months/years down the line. State what you want and stick to it. Do not feel guilty, you have done your bit bringing up your own family (I assume) and as you get older you have every right to live the life you want to live in your older years.

As someone in the thick of the school run with my own child, I find it is so restrictive on your day, you've got to be up early every day, and you can't go too far, or do too much as within a few hours you need to be heading back to get them, you're constantly clock watching in the afternoon.. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone a parent/PIL.

My mum semi retired and had her grandchild one day a week before he was school aged.. she actually loved that time with him, and unfortunately she died when he was 10, but he had a lovely bond with her because of that 1 to 1 time, which I don't think is comparable to occasional visits, spending time as a family etc, she was really glad she did it.

But with 9 grandchildren it just isn't doable, and shouldn't be expected, you need to keep it fair, and that's all you have to say.

I think if it's what you want to do then you would offer. In my case they told me I would be doing it. I said one day only and I found it tiring and boring. Had enough of it after raising 4 over 30 years