to wonder why childcare seems to default to women, even now?

[saynooo]

When people talk about help with their children, it is almost always their mum or mother in law or another woman stepping in. School pickups, last minute childcare, sleepovers, even just popping round for a couple of hours. It is very rarely dad, father in law, or grandad being the go to person.

What I find odd is that this happens even when the dad or grandfather is literally there and available. It is not like they are nowhere to be seen. They might be in the same house, or just as free, but people still seem to default to asking the woman first. It is not always the case that they are working.

Almost like people do not even think to ask the dad, FIL, grandad. Easier just to dump it on the nearest woman.

NOT SAYING THIS IS TRUE IN EVERY CASE.

No one is forcing grandmothers to do childcare. If they don’t want to do it they should say no.

Do you not understand the expectations and pressure is more on grandmothers than grandfathers?

First post nails it

It’s not even that we think they’re so going to be abusers, I don’t trust them to have basic competence

Statistically most children who have life-changing injuries get them while they’re in the care of their fathers 🙁

Sixth

You are not being unreasonable but to me the answer is simple. Men in my family are unreliable and drink. I didn’t feel safe with them as a child and do not trust them to leave a child with them. It will create more stress. It is not just about being “available” it is also about the relationship you have with the person and the level of trust.

Of course I do. And you’re dismissing the reasons why. So in the same sense I’m saying that grandmothers don’t have to do childcare. No one has a gun to their head. It’s 2026, they can say no. If you don’t want to do it say no!

My lovely fil worked abroad and did long hours when his boys were little. My mil mainly raised them. He was a loving dad though. When the grandchildren came along he retired and was besotted with them. He didn't do nappy changes but fed bottles, did pick ups for us from nursery and would put our eldest down for naps. He would hold the kids when we were busy doing other stuff. My mil would help in an emergency but made it very clear that she had done her parenting and wouldn't be doing anymore. I have never resented her for it as she has always been clear on her stance. She is a loving grandparent and hands on when we visit or she comes to ours.

My dad has now retired and he picks my nephew up from school, feeds the youngest meals, he puts them down for naps, gives them baths, brushes teeth etc. He enjoys it all and said that whilst he doesn't feel guilty for working long hours when we were little is glad that both his son in laws have a better work life balance than he had. He does exert boundaries though and won't take care of the nephews overnight and will only do pick ups on set days. My mum does have the nephews overnight and yes she does struggle to say no to my sister. This has aged her rather a lot and she is often very tired as a result but she won't put some boundaries in place.

There is a long generational lag - if you as a new parent were primarily raised by your extremely competent Mum while your Dad was also somewhere in the house and maybe took you out for a bike ride sometimes, then when you are thinking about a person you might trust with your own precious infant your Mum has a close bond and a great childcare 'CV' and your Dad....doesn't. Especially as some Dads might have a history of not necessarily respecting your opinions or taking into account the wishes of their child (you) over his own comfort when you were growing up.

These men are so bad yet women keep having babies with them.

Women aren’t having babies with their fathers. It’s grandmothers who made utterly crap choices in partners.

honestly, I think it’s biological or ‘instinctive’ … women have always been primary care givers since day dot. It’s only now in the modern world with more women working etc that more is expected of men but I’m sure this wasn’t the case back in hunter gatherer times