To go on sick leave for stress

[Vinividivici]

Key facts:

1. My job title is very, very low for my level of experience, so much so that other colleagues are outraged on my behalf. I have been told that promotion is impossible.
2. I have been given several difficult projects that were previously managed by someone two levels above me
3. My manager refuses to schedule regular 1:1s and usually seems annoyed when I want to discuss strategy in my matters or basically anything at all
4. I recently took a few weeks' leave to get married (and I am supposed to return to work tomorrow). My manager refused to discuss who would cover until a few days before my leave. The colleagues covering for me were obviously angry.
5. When I think of going back to work, I cry and feel hopeless.
6. A life coach suggested that I take time off sick
7. But I can see no future for myself whether I return to work or not. I feel like an abject failure and that there is no path to happiness. I'm terrified of having a gap in my CV or having to tell future employers that

My new husband does not want to push me either way but has said that he thinks we can manage on his income. He wants me to be happy. I am very, very unhappy

@Toosoonforahotcrossbun did you return to the same role afterwards? If so, how did it go?

I really think you need to see a psychiatrist or at least a properly trained therapist rather than a life coach. Take some time off sick and work on your mental health and then you will be in a better position to work out what to do next.

I think this says more about your mother than about you, apart from explaining why you are struggling with your mental health and would benefit from treatment/therapy

My understanding is that most people that increase their earnings significantly over time do so by moving employers and pushing up their salary with each move. If you feel your employer is not valuing you appropriately or you are unhappy in your role then the right thing to do is to move.

I understand that you are not in the right headspace to do that right now. The right time for that was probably quite some time ago. Now you might need some time to recover.

I remember hearing that the worst jobs for stress are when you have high levels of responsibility but low levels of control. For example the CEO has huge responsibility but he can say "Let's push that project back 3 months/let's change direction on this project". People without much control just get the stress of unrealistic deadlines/inefficient procedures and no power to change it.

I'm sure you are a capable lawyer but when you say the thought that if you weren't good lawyer makes you want to crawl into a hole and die think about how you would feel if your loved one said that.

I obviously don't know what your partner does but let's imagine he is an accountant. Imagine he makes a few errors at work and fails an exam. (I'm not saying you have made any errors of failed at anything!) Imagine he then says "If I'm not a good accountant I want to crawl into a hole and die". Would you not want to say "Err hello - it's your wife here - you know the person you just promised to spend your life with, look after in sickness and in health - if accountancy isnt working out just get another job!" is there not more to life than whether you are a good accountant?

My husband's a teacher. If he's unhappy at work I want him to get a different job,or if he needs to go off sick to do that, or if he needs to quit to do that. I couldn't give a shit if he's a teacher or not I just want him to be happy and to have a happy home life. If you Imagine a person's life as a pie chart your job is just a slither of who you are. And that slither can be swapped out for another job.

I ran the London Marathon once - quite some time ago in 2007. It was a very hot day and I remember thinking all the banners about keeping going, digging deep etc etc were quite irresponsible in a funny way. 73 runners were admitted to hospital that day. If you're doing something you dreamed of and you are very determined rethinking and giving yourself a break is the hardest thing but sometimes it's the right thing.

I showed this to my husband and it brought a tear to both our eyes. Thank you

Please don't feel like that.

You need to take time out for you. Take time off to de-stress. Perhaps when you have done that, you can then look for something else when you are in the right state of mind.

Have you applied for any other jobs?

If you don’t like your situation then change it. If your husband had agreed to support you then you have an opportunity to retrain and do something you love. Do not throw it away.

Not yet. As explained above, I have not had time and now I feel like a failure, which is not a great mindset for finding a job.

Last night, I began to wonder if I should be taking a more assertive approach. I have felt like a victim and as if I have to worry about the options for me once I fail by going on sick leave.

But my employer created a totally toxic situation for me. They ignored the bullying; did a reorg that left me with a manager who won't do 1:1s; forced me to take on some of my bully's portfolio of work, meaning I had to rely on the bully for advice and support to get stuck in; allowed the bully to decide that there would be no official handover announced to business partners so that I just had to slide into the role; made me do work two levels above my official job title with virtually no support; changed my in office days despite my agreement when I joined; and refused to allow me to take measures to timely get cover in place before my wedding so that everyone was angry with me. It's all been shit, and has created a terrible environment.

I am wondering if I should make a few modest demands to protect my position, such as being able to list myself as still employed for some period of time, having paid gardening leave, and a guaranteed positive reference.

Is your life coach helping, do you think? They vary in quality.

If not, it might be worth looking for one that's experienced in your specific area.

Whatever you decide - think first what is the outcome you are looking for.

Remember you can demand but they don’t have to give.

You need a strategy..

@StellaAndCrow I have only met with the coach a few times - but enough I guess that she saw the deterioration of my mental health. I will probably pursue talking therapy or something. Idk. I am at the GP now to see about getting a FIT note. Maybe they will give me a referral, though I assume I would be looking at a long wait on the NHS

@Melissazzz Honestly, I don't want to work in this toxic environment anymore. Any outcome that gets me out of this place but preserves future employment opportunities would be acceptable.

My manager would probably be the decisionmaker, and it appears to me that she is obsessed with demonstrating to her manager in the US that she can hold the company line and cut costs. Most of my complaints are about her. So I don't know how much leverage I have. It may be necessary to speak with an employment lawyer about how likely I would be to win at a tribunal. (I don't want to go through any of this, but it may be easier for them to give in to a few modest demands to keep me off their back and make the problem go away without litigation).

resignation will give you that.

that said it looks like you also are thinking about some compensation from the firm (nothing wrong with that). However, to get that you probably need to make life more difficult for them - with grievances, whistleblowing etc etc.. just stating your position probably will not be enough and you are just warning them to document things to make you look crazy.

anyways, good luck :)

I think it's a fine balance. I mostly just want them to let me not work my notice period and to allow me to continue listing them as a current employer. It would appear that there should not be much detriment to them to doing this, but they are not nice people. I don't know the best way to approach the issue and convince them to do these things.

You have the most classic case of workplace burnout. The biggest cause of this is actually toxic leadership which you definitely are facing. I would not hesitate in taking sick leave as burnout is bloody serious amd can have long term consequences. Your feeling of work being pointless is also classic burnout talking.

If you can find any way to avoid going back to your current workplace I think thatd be a good idea.

I've been in a similar position to you where I've felt there is no progression within my role and my line manager hasn't been very supportive/expected too much. I burnt out and needed some time off work. You need to listen to your body. Personally I wouldn't be able to take a period of time of unpaid so I would take the time off sick to work though what you want. Your health and happiness matters. It took me two break downs to learn what really matters.

Thank you

How did it go when you came back / had to communicate with your employer? I have now got a sick note on the way and I am anxious about conveying it and having further conversations.

Can you let them know by email/text and ask for any communication while you are off sick to be done by email? That would be less stressful and you would have a paperchain if she writes anything out of order.

This is a good idea. Thank you. Still waiting for the letter 😐

Letter sent via personal email.

Currently feeling like I am now a proven failure who just can't hack it in the corporate world. I also feel guilty for not replying to some people who I saw messaged me on Teams, but I think it best to just step back from work altogether for now.

If I am not cut out for a stressful job, I suppose that I should figure this out sooner rather than later. But I am hoping that this feeling changes over time, and that future successes prove that this was just a toxic workplace.

There is a small chance that when I engage with my employer, I will receive some sort of positive messaging or closure. Trying to keep open to this possibility rather than just feeling pure dread.

The freedom I feel now that I have sent the note and had a night's sleep is incredible. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

That's not to say that I am now well - I still feel anxious, fatigued, not confident in my abilities, and worried for the future. But knowing that I have a bit of breathing space means that I can actually imagine being able to recover physically and emotionally from this awful situation.

I saw a job posting at my former employer and even felt a glimmer of hope. I have reached out to a former work friend who is in a similar role to see what they say about the open position.

Well done OP. Hope that this is the start of a great new chapter in your life 💐

Edited

OP, over the last 40 years I have met so many professional woman whom have had experiences like yours.

Every one of these women are fantastic career women, and every single one of them took it very personally and were devastated and felt their confidence take a knock.

Some fought an won grievances.
Others left and moved to other positions and moved on professional.

None of them have ever forgotten the experience.
But they got through it, and you will too.

You are a normal woman having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

You can and will get through it.
This is on them.
You can choose not to allow it define you.
You can and will heal.

Just prioritise your health above all else and try and move on.
Your health is everything.

You do not to be hitting menopause in a toxic environment.

Deep breath, one day at a time.
Don't allow this to define your life.
That would be so unfair to you and your new husband.

Really wishing you well.
You can do this.