To go on sick leave for stress

[Vinividivici]

Key facts:

1. My job title is very, very low for my level of experience, so much so that other colleagues are outraged on my behalf. I have been told that promotion is impossible.
2. I have been given several difficult projects that were previously managed by someone two levels above me
3. My manager refuses to schedule regular 1:1s and usually seems annoyed when I want to discuss strategy in my matters or basically anything at all
4. I recently took a few weeks' leave to get married (and I am supposed to return to work tomorrow). My manager refused to discuss who would cover until a few days before my leave. The colleagues covering for me were obviously angry.
5. When I think of going back to work, I cry and feel hopeless.
6. A life coach suggested that I take time off sick
7. But I can see no future for myself whether I return to work or not. I feel like an abject failure and that there is no path to happiness. I'm terrified of having a gap in my CV or having to tell future employers that

My new husband does not want to push me either way but has said that he thinks we can manage on his income. He wants me to be happy. I am very, very unhappy

@Melissazzz I am also very certain that 1:1s would not be welcomed. My manager acts irritated if I need to speak with her about strategic aspects of my matters. She typically behaves as if I am stupid and talks down to me, without even having read my emails or taken the time to understand what I am saying to her.

My assumption is that she is being squeezed by the toxic global policies and that she is being more horrible than is in her nature. But it doesn't mean that it's ok for me to deal with this.

Dramatic much?

How many jobs have you had, how old are you?

No. This is how it feels to me.

I am 45 years old. I have had 3 different employers as a lawyer

A lot of your posts come across as very dramatic emotional language, gaslighting, emotional boundaries, toxic global policies, being replaced by AI.

You clearly are not well thought of in that environment, so what are you going to do?

Going off with stress will only give them fuel to the fire that you can't do the job you're paid to do - so why give you extra and more responsibility - you say there is a freeze - believe me if they wanted to keep you and reward you, they would

Your mum has clearly seen this pattern repeated numerous times - she sounds exhausted with you.

Start planning on getting out and doing something else - this isn't the role for you.

Another factor in all this is that my daughter's father is an abusive POS and I have had to deal with the fallout of his misbehaviour at various times during this period - all while delivering stellar work product, but no extra energy for a job search.

@iamfedupwiththis You clearly are not well thought of in that environment, so what are you going to do?

How did you reach this conclusion?

To be honest, I have been feeling as if my failure to advance is evidence that I am incompetent. It makes me feel utterly hopeless and as if there is no future for me anywhere. But objectively, it would be insane to give me a difficult and important portfolio of work if I were considered incompetent. (My manager even said I am doing well in the work). In previous appraisals, I have gotten the highest rating. My previous manager (who moved within that organisation) wants to poach me but doesn't have budget. Another senior person appointed herself as my mentor because she thought I was being undervalued. So there's evidence that I actually am considered to be good at my job.

Edit: also, to be clear, I wouldn't go sick with an intention of returning.

Look, the promotions are not handed out to people who work the hardest nor being most helpful or ‘nice to forgetting their own interests’ or following some sort of route - aka stupid goals to achieve. You say your previous manager worked on your promotion and now you expect your current manager to work on it. That is your mistake. Why should they - they are probably happy to have someone paid less working on complex tasks and demonstrate to their superiors how well they are with budget management.. you want a change - you need to figure out how to achieve it.

when I say you should know how promotions work - you should work on it. It’s not like even with freezes no one is promoted.. they are always expectations. You need to be that exception. You need to work on it - find out (not from your manager it is not their job to spoon feed you and you will become a competition) who makes decisions. If there is a committee - who is on it and who are key 2-3 people really making decision in that committee. When you know that you need to figure out how to prove to them that you are an asset to them.. and capable of leading, being proactive and most importantly supporting their interests etc.

find out who has the authority and work them and system. Also keep your manager warm as they will have some impact but clearly they are not real decision maker… show the decision makers that you get things done, ‘benefit’ them, some bullshit about benefiting the company. Self promote too :)

you need to reinvent yourself otherwise you will always struggle and will create similar silly dynamic (used and not appreciated) over and over again and in your next job etc. for things to happen YOU need to make them happen.. clearly you are jaded in this job - in your place I would see it as a place to experiment with your new approach and see what happens. You will not be good at it at first and this is good training opportunity so in your next job you are more skilled at this and excel in this area too. The more senior you become the harder and cut throat this will be.

sorry for being blunt. You need to take back control and your power and trust me you have plenty and YOU need to see start seeing it this way.

My current manager is head of all of legal in my geographic region. There's no going around her.

I am now reporting to this person due to her successfully making a power grab of many areas which swept me in.

She probably would have preferred for me to report to a person just beneath her, but that's the person who bullied me. (The bullier was my close friend and convinced me to take this job - then tried to force me to do work for her).

Trust me, I have spent a lot of time trying to make a promotion happen. And these efforts were herculean for me, as it's absolutely not in my nature.

I actually think my manager would eventually come through with a promotion within a year or two, but I am fucking over it.

Edit: the former friend is currently off sick, presumably with stress. As are at least two other people in our small team.

Then for one or another reason she / he cannot help you and sees you as annoyance to their own problems (not cool). Learn to operate without her then.

as for promotions and strategy - either she is not strategic, under pressure or whatever the reason - she is no help. Then don’t waster hers or yours time on it. All you really need is her being neutral.

you have other people you can cultivate - your ex boss (sounds a bit more like go getter and successful) to start but you need more. Identify who has the power and then find a way to get exposure and try and cultivate the relationship little step by step - work this as seriously as your ‘real’ job :). Sounds like you are a good professional just confused how to get to the next level. Think yourself who is the person who could decide you will be promoted and this would happen. Then ‘work’ them. Nothing happens without work and open your eyes to opportunities - once you start thinking this way - you will start seeing them. Even in elevator - small talk (not too obvious at first).

@Melissazzz I want to say that I can see that your advice is very good on its face and I appreciate your taking the time to give it. But I really feel that I have exhausted all options here.

Also, the hit on my self esteem is very strong. I truly feel worthless and like I will fail wherever I go. My plan had been go put my all into getting a promotion - which I have now done - so that I could have that CV and confidence boost before leaving. But it's all failed and I feel that I am destined to failure and I am just bad at working somehow.

My husband and I had a big argument about this this morning. He said that he doesn't know how to deal with my self-loathing.

Identify who has the power and then find a way to get exposure and try and cultivate the relationship little step by step - work this as seriously as your ‘real’ job :). Sounds like you are a good professional just confused how to get to the next level.

You definitely know the corporate game and you are correct that it's confusing for me. I have learned a lot about all of these power dynamics etc in the past two years, but my efforts have fallen totally flat.

Then you need to work with other departments and ensure they lobby for you - so she has external pressure but also thinks you are making her look good..

if she is an operator she will like:

1. anything why benefits her - you building ‘departments’ profile outside should help her.
2. she will be faster if there is external pressure mounting up..

all these bullying things - make sure you are not seen as ‘toxic’.. most people don’t like people who run to hr (btw I am not saying you were not bullied).

tell everyone else how your boss is super supportive and wants to promote you but firms difficulties etc. create your narrative too .. this would force her to show her hand - whether she supports or hinders

@Melissazzz but how am I supposed to do this? I have family responsibilities in addition to work and there is no junior. I am expected to do all of the necessary work, both senior and junior level, on tight deadlines.

That is to say - I am barely keeping my head above water meeting deadlines.

I am also still expected to do my old job that I was hired for on top of this one.

And they have removed admin support for juniors, so I don't even have help with stuff like ensuring external counsel gets paid. There is no extra time for these tactical manoeuvres.

In my experience you rarely get employers to change. Hoping your manager will behave differently, or the culture will transform into something lovely, or things will change etc is usually futile.

I have found it is best just to direct the energy you have into looking for a new employer, not stressing about what you can do with your current one.

So start "reporting the news".

Did xyz get signed off in time?
Answer: Xyz is still awaiting abc in order to be signed off.

Solve/provide solutions for problem "X"
Answer: here are your options within current budgets/resources etc I recommend this one, thiugh none are ideal given current budget

Report
The
News

Yes. My current goal is to maintain what little self esteem and dignity I have so that I can find a way to attain a role that is actually suitable. Right now I feel worthless and incapable.

There is also the question of whether I should take time off and consider whether I should change fields, as I seem to be a pathetic failure of a lawyer. Being judged as merely 'Achieving' in a job title that should be 15 years below me when working my hardest (also with no pay rise) makes me feel like I should crawl in a hole and die.

Start with gently saying no. (If possible to junior jobs). And saying if I do x then y will not be done. Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

then if they say try it all say -it probably will not be possible - can I count on you to own the outcome if we don’t deliver y.

if your boss is good at grabbing power then observe her and learn.. you won’t be able to do exactly like her because we are all our own authentic people but you will notice one or two useful party tricks which you can incorporate in your work..

also if you truly think you are done at the place - experiment. Say no, it will take some courage to do if you never have done this. In the meetings if you ever hold yourself back (we, women, often do that) - get over yourself and state your points and questions. Learn new ways of working.. push yourself into unknown :)

and hmmm use AI - it’s not bad these days 😂 - but don’t get caught! I recently won a leasehold tribunal against freeholder with AI prepared court documents. Of course I knew the content to be accurate but ChatGPT did awesome job and in few mins - I just tinkled with it after. (I am not a lawyer nor property expert, but work in similar field).

And come on - it’s just a job - don’t let if affect your mood too much. Who cares what your boss etc thinks of it or you.

Never forget how awesome you are :)

@Melissazzz I own all of my workstreams with no support. My manager receives periodic updates and only cares when she can take something and make it about her / maybe ask some mean questions to show that she disagrees with something I have done. The dynamic is not such that I can get anyone to do anything for me.

Maybe I could raise certain issues and explain that stuff can't get done on time without more resource. But we honestly speak once every two months about my work and I otherwise have to get on with it. And we don't have 1:1s where I could raise things organically.

I feel that I am not awesome. I feel like a failure. People were so mean in the week before I went off on my wedding, obviously so irritated that they would have to cover for me, and angry with the helpful and detailed instructions I prepared. "Can't you just do it yourself?"

This is better :) - start thinking of what you can do :). If no meeting - email her or anyone else affected - it’s even better on the email - no one can twist your words..

I took time off last year with anxiety and work related stress. The stress was having an impact on me physically which caused my emotional health to be impacted.

Up until that point I was a bit scathing of people who went off with work related stress. I was always a coper. I work in a stressful field and work didn’t stress me. I have changed my views now - the stress was caused by poor leadership.

It was the right decision for me and whilst I am not the type of person take sick leave lightly, I would
do it again.

Work is important to me and I am proud of my achievements but when I think of the bigger picture work does not define me.

I was fortunate to have full sickness pay.