To go on sick leave for stress

[Vinividivici]

Key facts:

1. My job title is very, very low for my level of experience, so much so that other colleagues are outraged on my behalf. I have been told that promotion is impossible.
2. I have been given several difficult projects that were previously managed by someone two levels above me
3. My manager refuses to schedule regular 1:1s and usually seems annoyed when I want to discuss strategy in my matters or basically anything at all
4. I recently took a few weeks' leave to get married (and I am supposed to return to work tomorrow). My manager refused to discuss who would cover until a few days before my leave. The colleagues covering for me were obviously angry.
5. When I think of going back to work, I cry and feel hopeless.
6. A life coach suggested that I take time off sick
7. But I can see no future for myself whether I return to work or not. I feel like an abject failure and that there is no path to happiness. I'm terrified of having a gap in my CV or having to tell future employers that

My new husband does not want to push me either way but has said that he thinks we can manage on his income. He wants me to be happy. I am very, very unhappy

No she doesn't. The mum's advice is really good. Write out a list of options, assess their pros and cons, choose which one you think is best and then act on it. It sounds like the OP has been going on about her issues for at least 2 years without actually acting on it. There's only so long you can listen to someone complaining when they refuse to do anything to sort out their situation.

To respond to a few things:

• I have a child as well and this made wedding planning and work more stressful and difficult to balance

• When I joined, I had an agreement to only be in office one day a week. Company policy recently changed and I am now required to go into the office 4 days a week. My manager said that I can apply for a formal special working arrangement but was very discouraging.

• Things have been steadily getting worse over time, so it's not like I have been complaining without taking any action for 2 years. I was given false hope that I could get a promotion or that other opportunities may be available in the firm.

I think that I now realise there's no way I can stay at this toxic place, but it's a question of how to manage my exit in a way that protects my mental health and my career prospects. My child also needs a lot of emotional support from me due to having an abusive father (no, authorities won't help so I just have to manage the situation), so any solution needs to take this factor into account.

Ok your mum is your problem.

My dp had to take two weeks off for stress last year, first day ever off sick in over 20years.

And now this year my adult DC is signed off for a month with stress and depression after a terrible time at work being bullied and not getting any help they requested. dc lost a close friend in December as an additional factor. Very low at the moment. I’ve been looking after them washing, cooking so on as they can’t do much. So I’m checking they are eating and sleeping as much as they can. Their stress has dropped the moment they were signed off, the only thing I would change would be dc telling me much sooner so I could help.

just get yourself signed off. Then you have time to think. My DC will not want to go back to their toxic work place either so this at least gives them some breathing space. You need the same.

Appreciate the response - lots of additional info in there that explains some things, but in essence the upshot is the same which is this:

I think that I now realise there's no way I can stay at this toxic place, but it's a question of how to manage my exit in a way that protects my mental health and my career prospects.

Your DH sounds like he's willing to support you in doing this and if your life coach is worth the money they should be able to help you manage the exit plan. Your child will no doubt benefit from you not being in this state about your job too. I don't know that you need to overthink the solution at this point, because until you exit the toxic place, you're not really thinking clearly anyway. You can hand in your notice and have three months of knowing you're leaving to think things through with a lighter head and more of the boundaried mode that your mother advises. It's not good saying that you're an all in or out kind of person when that hasn't served you well. It's no bad thing to change some of your ways as well as changing your work environment so that things will be better in future. The fact that you have a life coach must mean you recognise you want change.

I completely agree. What a horrendous message to send someone who is struggling. Our MH is so very important.

You obviously can succeed as you are doing work well above your official position

More of a will to live? Are you feeling suicidal OP? If so please please please contact a doctor and seek medical help today. You don’t need to struggle alone 💐

Thank you. I would not leave my daughter or my lovely husband, but I have been feeling hopeless that there is any real future for me.

Sort of hilariously, the life coach is actually offered as a work benefit and I believe she only serves people at my firm. It appears to me that she sees a lot of very unhappy people.

Thank you. This especially resonates: It's not good saying that you're an all in or out kind of person when that hasn't served you well. It's no bad thing to change some of your ways as well as changing your work environment so that things will be better in future.

An option I am considering is handing in my notice and saying that I intend to go on gardening leave rather than working the three months, and then explaining that the toxic work environment has caused this and I can take it up with HR if they want. I could cite the unaddressed bullying, the lack of normal pastoral care/1:1s, and the fact that I, a low level employer, have been given a number of huge projects with no tactical/higher level support.

Honestly OP life is too short for feeling this terrible.

If you can manage on one salary temporarily, hand in your notice, grit your teeth during your notice period and move on.

As a 50 something in the workplace I've been in a similar position and regret the wasted time I spent in clearly unsuitable jobs. The misery isn't worth it!

Ah okay well so much of this is wrapped up in and warped by the job - even the life coach, you're right, that's quite hilarious! - that it's very much needed to get out of there. See your GP, no doubt you'll cry as soon as you talk about it so you'll be legitimately signed off with stress but then don't bury your head, hand your notice in and after a few days to clear your head, make some short and longer term plans. Get the support you need from DH and friends. Don't engage with work while you're off, or the life coach if you're leaving. You might need someone more independent to work things through, as it sounds like there's all these other factors including the abusive ex, emotionally needy DC, possibly overbearing mother, and all the pressure you put on yourself. But the first thing is get free of the toxic job because otherwise you won't be able to think straight.

That could be why she's the way she is!

Your mum does not sound helpful - your husband does (and supportive )
You can self certify for 7 days before a GP note is needed .
Your self esteem is linked to your mental health. You feel like you will fail at any other job (highly doubtful BTW) because you have been so knocked by your current job and state of mind.

My current job is monotonous and I am actively applying for other roles as can not / will not do it long term!
I was off a week prior to Easter. Just stated personal reasons .
A few things have changed / got better (the job itself has not and I should have been more honest, BUT I am the sole earner and can not talk my way out of a job , plus I knew the role before I applied )

x-posted. I think the gardening leave is a good idea and no harm making the point, but also from this -

An option I am considering is handing in my notice and saying that I intend to go on gardening leave rather than working the three months, and then explaining that the toxic work environment has caused this and I can take it up with HR if they want. I could cite the unaddressed bullying, the lack of normal pastoral care/1:1s, and the fact that I, a low level employer, have been given a number of huge projects with no tactical/higher level support.

You're (understandably) fixating a lot on all the issues in this workplace which frankly will no longer be your problem when you hand in your notice. It's not your job to crusade for change there and its this kind of thinking that has partly got you into this pickle, building up this list of all their failings that upset and stress you, but really that's all it's doing. They won't change and you can't make them. As soon as you say you're going, they'll give even less of a shit about what you think anyway. The point of going is to relieve yourself of all these stresses about all their injustices. By all means tell them if it helps to get it off your chest, but keep the focus on your own needs and getting yourself better for the future. If you do that, then you can move on faster and forget about their toxic crap.

Sounds like burnout to me. I was signed off for nearly a year, it was one of the worst years of my life before that. My hair was falling out, I was fully sick with stress.

A few things/people that helped:

GP referred me to a therapist who pointed me in the direction of an organisation called The Anti-Burnout Club (they have a free app which is fine but I mainly follow the founder on socials/her events and free workshops)

I found talking therapy more helpful than any kind of CBT methods

Burnout the book by two sisters. I can’t remember their names, but it really helped me make sense of my stress cycle.

And finally just getting rid of the guilt and shame that comes with stress and burnout, especially as a mum. Still working on this bit!

My friend could have wrote the majority of your post. She went off on stress last year for 2 months. Came back and after a few weeks nothing changed. She's still looking for another job. How your work treat you after returning after being off sick with stress is enough to tell you whether to stay or go.

Take care of yourself, no job is worth your mental health. If you get paid sick could you use it to try and find something else? Although you probably won't be in the right headspace for that.

Oh, the reason I would mention the issues is because gardening leave is not allowed afaik. If my manager perceives me as a threat or admin burden I think it is possible that they would not hassle me about stopping work immediately.

I could instead just get signed off sick - my husband believes that I should just say to the GP exactly what I say to him and they would absolutely sign me off because it is so concerning. But I am worried about having this on my record as I understand that prospective employers can enquire about sick leave after an offer is accepted.

Just wanted to say that I hope that you feel better soon x

Your story is inspiring and gives me hope. It is so confusing when a job that was good becomes toxic, isn't it?

I fully agree with all of this. Thank you.

Why are you not just looking for a different job??

I think that some people have no idea how bad a toxic work environment is. Then dealing with a boss who is poor, is piling on the work and is treating you like the company workhorse is horrible. I think at this stage that your both physically and mentally drained.

I had a friend in your position a number of years ago. She was in a job with a horrible boss who continuosly found fault with her work, my friend was doing overtime each day and was sorting out time sensitive stuff always at a moments notice for other departments. She has just gotten a job rejection. At this stage my friend was both physical and mentally exhausted.

My friend went to her doctor and told her about what she was dealing with and got a sick cert. She decided to eat well, take multivitamins and had plenty of sleep for 2 weeks. She began to feel better. She met a friend then and her friend said your in better form. My friend said I have begun to look for another job.
She got another job contract for a year and this led her to a far better situation for her long term. A few years this company closed and at the same time other companies in this area where laying off staff. My friend was glad to have gotten away from it.

In your case I would take sick leave and get a sick cert from your doctor. Give yourself 2 weeks just to rest, eat well and take good multivitamins. Then go to a career coach and get them to help you see where your qualifications and experience can lead you job wise. I know a lady who qualified as solicitor and worked for a number of years doing long hours. She wanted a different job with regular hours but with decent pay. She ended up going into the legal team in an insurance company with good pay, benefits and far less stress.

You can give in your notice when on sick leave as far as I know. Rather than leave a job with nothing lined up I would do this and then look for a new job after 2 weeks.
Let them pay you when you look for a new job since they have treated you poorly.
As for what you're mother said to you that was uncalled for. You need a bit of support rather than been made feel worse about your current work situation.

I think once you leave that work situation you will feel far better.

Go to the doctor and talk to them about this.

At your job, I hear that your manager won't meet with you for one to ones. I'm not sure about the size of the organisation but is there a HR person or a manager of your manager with whom you can raise these issues? Or does it stop at your manager? I'd be interested in any advice here from people with HR expertise about the best way to manage this. I'm sure you can evidence a lot of your points so I wonder if it would be useful to pool all that evidence into one folder that you can share with the manager, copy in the Chair, HR, the CEO, whoever's relevant.

I know someone who is off with stress at the moment and I completely understand why, they were excellent at their job, then were given more responsibility, a slightly different role and more pay. They were brilliant at this but for financial reasons that opportunity ended, they were made to go back to an old role at lower pay BUT with all the additional responsibilities and none of the time to do it in. All of this during a period where they experienced something devastating in their personal life too. We work in the same sector so I wasn't just taking their word for how good they were - it was from co-workers and other industry experts. The organisation has shot themselves in the foot by losing this person from the team. They are currently evaluating a career change. They visit a counsellor and they're using this time to recalibrate.

Have you read or listened to The Let Them Theory? I know it's all a bit cringe but I think you could benefit from some of the approaches and advice in there (I got the audiobook free from my local library). Work's being a dick? Let them. But that doesn't mean that you just enable them to make your life shit. You've also got to "let me". You can't change their actions so what can you do? Where is your power in changing your own life and circumstance?

This is where you act:

1. you collect the evidence to make the case that they haven't been fair.
2. you go to your GP to talk about stress and anxiety
3. you listen to your supportive empathetic husband who has your wellbeing at heart when he says you can get by on his wage for now
4. when you're ready, you look for training or alternative jobs so you can make the move away from this job and use your talents and skills somewhere that appreciates you

Your mum sounds like she's maybe had a gutsful of listening to your negativity around your job and is maybe of a generation and mindset that you should pull up your bootstraps, suck it up buttercup and just crack on. That doesn't mean you have to do any of that. That's how she feels about it. OK. You're an adult, you're a newly wed (congratulations!), and you have power over your own life.

What do you want for your life? Work on that. Don't waste your days in misery. That's easy for me to say. Your mention of feeling hopeless and not seeing any other way makes me agree that you're probably also depressed and that's something to talk about with your doctor too.

I've done a fair bit of recruitment over the years and don't give a rat's arse about gaps in CVs, I care about what the person's experience and skills and character bring to the role, I care about our visions aligning.