To go on sick leave for stress

[Vinividivici]

Key facts:

1. My job title is very, very low for my level of experience, so much so that other colleagues are outraged on my behalf. I have been told that promotion is impossible.
2. I have been given several difficult projects that were previously managed by someone two levels above me
3. My manager refuses to schedule regular 1:1s and usually seems annoyed when I want to discuss strategy in my matters or basically anything at all
4. I recently took a few weeks' leave to get married (and I am supposed to return to work tomorrow). My manager refused to discuss who would cover until a few days before my leave. The colleagues covering for me were obviously angry.
5. When I think of going back to work, I cry and feel hopeless.
6. A life coach suggested that I take time off sick
7. But I can see no future for myself whether I return to work or not. I feel like an abject failure and that there is no path to happiness. I'm terrified of having a gap in my CV or having to tell future employers that

My new husband does not want to push me either way but has said that he thinks we can manage on his income. He wants me to be happy. I am very, very unhappy

I have just got back from my honeymoon. There has been literally no time for this in the past 6 months.

You need to remember that you are so much more than your job. Your job does not define you. You are allowed to just be.

It is awful hating your job and in the future you will do all sorts of things including having a job that you like but for now resting and rebuilding is enough. You are loved as a mum, partner, daughter and friend.

I would just add another option to the table of asking HR to excuse you your notice period. You could tell them that you will not be coming back so you can serve your notice period off sick or they can wave it. It's clear what is better for them is to not have to pay you. I think that will allow you to heal sooner as you will get a clean break ASAP.

Not surprising you're depressed if you were brought up with that attitude.
Take the time off sick, and maybe dont look to your mum for emotional support, as she sounds incapable of giving it in this instance.
I hope you are able to find a job that builds up your confidence, rather than destroying it. 💐

I had a four hour nap today??? I normally don't nap at all.

I'd try and stop putting energy into worrying about your current job and spend your energy applying for a different job. You shouldn't dread going to work, you deserve to have a job that makes you happy.

Thank you. I have called in sick again. Feeling lazy and self-indulgent - but I also don't want to do anything at all.

My mother is now encouraging me to try to become an influencer for something that I love???

Take some time off and use that to find another job - this employer doesn’t value you and never will -it’s time to move on. I did it after being at a work place for 24 years. I’ve been out of it for 2 years and now realise what a toxic place it was and moving was the best thing I ever did. Time for a new start for you !

"When I think of going back to work, I cry and feel hopeless."
"But I can see no future for myself whether I return to work or not. I feel like an abject failure and that there is no path to happiness".

That sounds like depression. I think you should get signed off and consider some professional mental health support. Heal away from work whilst you figure out what you're going to do next. This isn't the end, it just feels like it now. You can have a better future and be happy.

Firstly congratulations on your wedding 💐

Secondly, you need to prioritise looking for another job. I appreciate you’ll not be in the current headspace for that at the moment, but it’s obvious your current workplace is toxic and unfulfilling.

Please remember, that nothing lasts forever. You are not tied down to a job for life. You are in control of your life and can choose whatever path you want to go down. Even if you don’t know what that path consists of just yet.

Keep self-certing until you need a fit note. Then get your GP to formally sign you off for a couple of weeks.

Use the first week to relax. Get your nervous system regulated again. Get out and get fresh air. So nice things you enjoy.

Then use the second week to job search. Apply for anything and everything available in your area. Even if it’s in a shop, cleaning, whatever (nothing lasts forever remember) until you find a role that interests you.

I’ve always said it’s not where you work, it’s who you work with. There will be better managers out there who will support you. Everything happens for a reason. I promise things will get better.

best of luck x

Just don’t forget if you go off sick it may put future employers off if in there reference they ask for number of days sick. As a recruiter high levels of sickness would ring alarm bells unless it was after surgery.

Its easier to find a job whilst you’re in work than not working.

This is what I am afraid of. I'm really worried about being seen as unemployable.

I have seen that there is a Teams message from someone who was trying to recruit me for a different role in the organisation. I am avoiding looking at any work messages for now, but I don't even know if I could stand to work in this place any longer even if it was with a different team.

I've been in your situation. Having had a break for a few weeks, the anxiety is especially high when going back into a toxic workplace and feels impossible. It's not. You can do it. Go back in, give your notice and leave from a position of strength. It will do your self-esteem no end of good not to mention, your cv.
The hardest part is going in on the first day back. If you're anything like me, you'll feel like you're going to vomit, you won't sleep a wink the night before and you'll genuinely start to wonder is life worth living.
Before you know it, it'll be lunchtime and the world won't have ended. You'll have given your notice and you'll know it's all going to be over soon.
You can do this. It's just about getting over the hump of the first day. I've been there. It's do-able even if it feels like it isn't.

It’s the wrong role/company for you. I’d go back because putting it off is going to stress you more, then focus your energy on looking at new opportunities

@Grammarninja are you suggesting giving notice right away, so possibly quitting with nothing lined up?

If your notice period is 3 months then, yeah. Even if you don't get a job straight away, you won't have anything to explain on your cv.

Just got another, or at least start looking for, a new job.

I'd love to tell you to go for it but people are losing their jobs to AI. Even if your field is currently unaffected, there will later be competition from other people leaving their field to retrain in yours. Don't leave until you find something else.

I agree with others get back to work asap so you don't have lots of sickness on your record. Make a plan for finding new job. I wouldn't hand notice in until another job is secured. But the other job doesn't have to be perfect (just something that will pay the bills).

look for something else. Life is too short for this shite and in my opinion in most jobs you are only a number regardless of how well you do your job. The thing is though going off sick is only a temporary solution.

I was one of the people who voted YABU.

Taking sick leave won’t benefit you. You’re simply kicking the can down the road. All the reasons you’d be off with stress will still be there when you return. Just look for another job and be done with it. Nobody else can change your circumstance, only you. Calling in sick day after day and buying your head in the sand will not improve your situation. Only action will.

You don’t need to see a life coach, if you’re really struggling you need to see a qualified therapist or GP.

The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and thinking you’ll get a different result. This sounds like a longstanding problem, so leave. Change your situation. Failing that, meet either HR and management and raise all your concerns. Quietly struggling isn’t helping you.

I was in a similar place to you around 20 years ago, I was so low driving to work I’d feel sick and spend days off worrying about going back. What changed for me was seeing one of my colleagues that I was fond off being treated appallingly, he was an older man nearing retirement had been with the company longer than anyone else had pretty much trained every new start and had forgotten more than we would every know, there wasn’t a problem he couldn’t solve and he was rarely off sick until his wife got cancer and was receiving palliative care, the way the company treated him was awful - his wife was dying and they were telling him he had to go back to work, he told them where to stick the job and 5 of us decided we couldn’t work there anymore.

I totally pivoted as I didn’t feel I could apply for the same jobs as my colleagues as at the time I felt they were far better at their jobs than me but looking back I actually think I was depressed so I decided I would pretty much take any job going, I pretty much applied everything except one’s that I thought my former colleagues would apply for. Within a week I got offered a job as a Carer, thought I would hate it and was initially worried about the massive drop in wages but I actually loved it and it was so different to working in an office I actually just felt free, financially I adjusted my lifestyle and eventually I ended up working for the NHS, went back to uni and I’m now a band 6 nurse. My wages would’ve been more if I’d stayed in my original job but I’m so much happier and I think I’ll stay in this job till I retire, there has been difficult times but they’ve never made me feel as low as the way I felt back then.

You spend far to much time at work to feel miserable.

from reading the thread it appears:

1. you have decided to leave;
2. main concern is not being promoted.. (btw promotion is not about to drop in your lap nor happens when you work a lot - you should figure out how they are achieved)
3. ignored your situation for a while as getting married and busy at life
4. have been complaining about it without addressing for a while.

you are choosing to be a victim and sounds like giving your power away. Try and reframe how you think and find solutions (sick leave - not a solution but can help to hit pause and gather your thoughts unless you choose to be distracted by other life obligations, which sounds like you might be guilty of at times :)).

some options:

1. do nothing
2. find a new job
3. stay and figure out how promotions actually work and how to navigate and win in your current place
4. discuss with you manager how important to you 1 to 1 are - she might not know, as for most people they are not important
5. leave job and became stay at home wife (is this what you are actually working to achieve?)
6. but first be honest with your self and figure out what you really want. Your mum’s advice was good :). None of us get handed anything - determine what you want and work for it

btw none of this is a criticism- we all are human and like self pity etc etc. but we all got to pick ourselves up too :)

You sound very resentful and resentment is very toxic. If your stress stems from your resentment at your lack of status in your company, then time off really won’t solve much, unless you intend to be proactive and look for a better position. What other advice did your life coach give you?

If promotion is not on the cards, I’m curious as to why looking for a new job wasn’t a consideration/ priority? There sounds like a lot more going on than an uninvolved manager. I’m concerned that sitting at home won’t be the respite you think it will be, especially if you are just going to ruminate on your lack of status in your job. You need a plan and something to move/ look forward to.

Oh, I have actively worked towards promotion following the advice of various mentors for the past two years.

My understanding is that my previous manager worked to get me a promotion and I was on the verge of it when they introduced a global 'no promotions' policy two years ago. They have also introduced a global hiring freeze.

I had another manager for a while who led me on and dangled the possibility of a new, more accurate job title (without actual promotion). He seems never to have actually done anything on this count.

My new manager has said that she completely agrees that my job title is inappropriate. (It is - I am a lawyer with 20 years' experience and my 'peers' include first year lawyers). Her managers won't let her create new roles without intense lobbying, apparently, and others are in the queue before me. But she suggested that this is something she is working on, giving me hope.

At the same time, she has given me a load of work that should be considered a promotion and gaslighted me about it not really being a change in the scope of my role. She then gave me an average rating and no pay rise when we had our end-of-year appraisals. When I was obviously not happy (did not complain, was merely expressionless), she told me (as an analogy) that when people get promotions, they are always surprised to be told that they haven't excelled as they are used to. When I pointed out that I haven't gotten a promotion, she just said that she has already explained that she doesn't have the authority to give a promotion or any extra money.

This has all unfolded over time and has gotten very bad in the past few months when I truly did not have capacity to job hunt on top of final wedding planning and parenting. I've just hit the end of my rope now.

Please see above! They have led me on and I truly did not have time to find another role along with my very demanding job, wedding planning, and parenting.

I would be looking for new roles while on sick leave - it's not a binary. But tbh i found all I could do the past two days is lie on the sofa, so I may actually need a few weeks of down time to recover from the stress and toxicity.

My husband told me that all I would need to get a sick note is to say the same things to the GP that I say to him. He's seriously concerned for my wellbeing.