AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

[FlamingoFloss]

I’m in my 50’s so like to think I have a bit of life experience. Over the years I’ve seen a variety of men cheat on their wives/ling term partners. Ultimately, just because they could. They didn’t get going out and stayed together. Or maybe they did - who knows?

fasg forward a few years and these men are now in their 50’s/60’s and their wife/partner that they’ve been with for years, and who they treated so loosely when they were younger, is now their EVERYTHING.

Ive seen this quite a bit. Why is this? Have they finally grown up and now see what they’ve always had? Do they have regrets? What’s it all about out? Anyone else seen this?

Yes, this is one skill they can hone very well over the years, as money increases and scrutiny decreases. Funnily enough, no deliberate incompetence prevails in that field..

Isn’t it just

how do you know they change?
how do you know it isn't lack of opportunity.

I think they probably move from affairs / encounters to booked appointments with sex workers. Probably less of a thrill, no emotions involved. Less chance of getting caught. So they probably do get on better with their partner as they are more interested in them than they used to be when their attentions were drawn elsewhere.

I think completely monogamous long term relationships spanning decades are very rare. And most people (men mostly) do have affairs or sex elsewhere. Biology and natural instinct. We don’t like to know about.

Maybe they’re fatter and balder with a paunch, and the sort of women they’d fancy won’t look at them any more.
(Unless they’re loaded, of course…)

Just for a bit of insight (I know I'm not a man!)

I cheated on my first husband. Quite a bit actually. Lots of different men.

I was in an incredibly emotional and psychologically abusive marriage, which also turned physical as well. I had just had a baby and felt stuck.

Combine this with undiagnosed ADHD which led to a series to mental health problems.

I was 24/25 then and 33 now, about to enter my second marriage.

Since then, I havent put up with abusive behaviour, I have control over my mental health and ADHD and have never cheated on anybody else and never felt an urge to.

I did speak with my ex to apologise actually (yet to receive one from him for the abuse but hey ho!) and even he admitted that he could see I have changed for the better as a person and seem well balanced.

I dont think its always necessarily "once a cheater, always a cheater".

In my case, I was just a young adult that got married too young, to an abusive asshole, was incredibly depressed and used other men to escape and feel good about myself.

Once I matured, left the relationship and addressed my mental health, none of that desire was there - only embarrassment, shame and guilt.