AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

[FlamingoFloss]

I’m in my 50’s so like to think I have a bit of life experience. Over the years I’ve seen a variety of men cheat on their wives/ling term partners. Ultimately, just because they could. They didn’t get going out and stayed together. Or maybe they did - who knows?

fasg forward a few years and these men are now in their 50’s/60’s and their wife/partner that they’ve been with for years, and who they treated so loosely when they were younger, is now their EVERYTHING.

Ive seen this quite a bit. Why is this? Have they finally grown up and now see what they’ve always had? Do they have regrets? What’s it all about out? Anyone else seen this?

I think a lot of people realise that they've been stupid and risked everything they had. It's easy (though not excusable in any sense) to get caught up in the thrill when you're younger, but most people mature.

Or, and I hate to say that I think this is more likely, they've just become more subtle at hiding what they're up to. They can say they love their wives as much as they like, but they could still be seeing other people.

If people thought about their choices the world would be a better place. But they don’t

Hmmmm in my case they lie to themselves enough that they believe their wife was/is their everything. Have an ex boyfriend like this. Wife of 35 years died and they claim agony…what they didn’t mention was right before they married he was dating me plus who knows how many others when they were supposed to be devoted to each other. They lie so much they actually believe it.

I work in a male industry and have witnessed as some men get older they experience an existential crisis. Drop in mood, quieter, less jokes (banter!) and then all of a sudden turn into good managers, good leaders and probably / hopefully better husbands.

That's the same for both sexes. Isn't it? Humans are messy. Life is weird!

I agree. I just dont think we should pretend that infidelity is due to inconvenient timing of 'soulmates' or such bollocking. If you meet someone who rings your bell more than your spouse, you leave THEN progress.

I like to think they' ve matured and seen the error of their ways. I know I have. I'm 60 and was unfaithful to several partners in my youth. I wouldn't dream of being unfaithful to my partner now. Its not because I couldn't ; it's because I've made a conscious decsion to be loyal to my partner come what may

Fair enough!

Not to derail but I love your username 😬

This! They tumble to the fact they’re getting older, less healthy and need a woman to look after them.
Some suffer erectile disfunction so their pulling power is diminished too.

They don’t change, they just come to realize this is as good as it’s goina get. Their cheating days are over.

Those that do just stop well they realise they cannot get the wine they fancy anymore not rich enough or good looking enough for those young ones. Ed starts happening they need more looking after less adventure.

So they realise their steady wife who’s always been there his actual rock is worth something finally plus also built in career.

Then there are those who just get amazing at hiding it, likely have a long term hidden lover.

They will always still be looking though. The men who at 40 looked at 20years old and went ooooo id bang her are still looking and thinking that at 50/60/70/80 just also wishing they genuinely could stand a chance.

Also see oldmen or any men holidaying alone in Thailand.

😂

Replied to wrong poster in error.

Right. Cheating is always - with no exceptions - abuse. It's psychological torture and it's a disgusting thing to force a wife or husband to share some random's sloppy seconds when they did not agree to that.

All decent adults have two choices - the first is to leave. The second is to tell them the truth that you plan to sleep around and see if they are ok with that.

The third option is never to be a treacherous, abusive scumbag - at least, not for normal people.

The reality is that most men and fewer women do not cheat. We hear about it a lot on these threads because of the extreme distress, anguish and disruption it causes the wronged partner, the children, the friends and wider society.

But it is, actually, abnormal to cheat - statistically speaking. And it definitely goes to character and the person's core values. There are levels of it, of course, one drunken sleazy night is still marriage ending for most - but it is not nearly so devastating and unforgiveable as prolonged deception.

Anyway, the takeaway is always "Don't cheat, it always puts you in the wrong".

Below is a link to an article on cheating which cites a well researched study, article published 2026. It's American, but let's not pretend we can't extrapolate that to most western countries :) The numbers might differ slightly - but the take away is that around 4 out of 5 married men do NOT cheat.

Cheaters are the abnormal ones, the disruptive ones, the ones who are in the wrong. Don't ever let them try to tell you differently.

Form the article:

• 22% of married men admit to cheating at least once during their marriage compared to 13% of married women, based on a nationally representative sample of over 9,000 adults.
• In a survey of 5,000 married individuals, 20% reported having an affair, with emotional affairs being 15% more common than physical ones among women.
• The General Social Survey (1972-2016) data shows that 20% of men and 13% of women in marriages lasting under 10 years have cheated.
• Men are 2.5 times more likely to cheat than women in marriages under 5 years old.
• Women aged 18-29 in marriage cheat at 11% rate, men 20%, Gen Z data.
• Married men over 60 have highest infidelity rate at 24%, women 16%.
• Divorce rate jumps 2.5x after affair revealed.
• Children in infidelity-impacted homes 3x more likely to divorce later.
• 62% of private investigators hired for cheating suspicions confirm it.
• 85% of affairs discovered by spouse via phone/social media.
• Women suspect cheating 6 months before evidence, men 3 months.

gitnux.org/cheating-in-marriage-statistics/

Right. This is it exactly. They are no longer appealing to most women, they age, they are afraid of dying alone and infirmity. That's it. If they were suddenly chronologically younger they'd start the whole sad, grubby merry go round again.

Unfortunately for his current wife, that parcel does not unwrap to reveal a prize.

Less opportunity and lower sex drive. Also those types of men were never looking to leave their wives, just to have their cake and eat it. There are genuinely men who “love” their wives and see infinitely as a completely separate thing to their marriage. They probably don’t even really think they did anything that bad, or if they do they don’t spend time self-flagellating. I bet they feel like decent husbands!

Both men and women are not the same from when they are younger to when older, I thought this was common knowledge?

But anyone could still be cheating and pretending different and some partners know there is cheating but ignore it and some partners put all their energy into themselves or hobbies and use the other for money or other things, some partners drift apart, some have a hight or lower sex drive ie not everyone cheats for the same reason and not everyone stays for the same reason

as said bt lots of other poster's including myself there is no 'all'' men and or women no one is the same as another so why would we all act the same?

No, it is common knowledge that while opinions, beliefs, and politics may shift, moral character traits display substantial long term stability. Early tendencies toward dishonesty or betrayal are very meaningful indicators of future conduct, and these patterns commonly persist.

Lifespan longitudinal research shows that core dispositional tendencies are meaningfullly stable from adolescence into older age, meaning early patterns of dishonesty, exploitation and betrayal remain informative about later moral conduct across the life course.

I mean, we all know this anyway and it is common sense but there is also research to back it: "There also appears to be substantial stability of individual differences in personality, even over several decades” “personality changes only gradually throughout life” pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5144810/

In other words, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour - and that is a truism simply because it is true.

And so, since the risk is very real that entitled, cheating, lying, treacherous people remain so throughout their life it is safest to avoid intimate relationships with such people if you know about their past conduct.

What are wivelings, @FlamingoFloss ?

As you are aware she intended to type wives/long term partners and it was an obvious typo. She later apologised for typos.

@Youlittlenightmare Uh, apologies; it wasn’t meant to be offensive as I often have typos myself. I should have said, “I know this is a typo, but I’m not sure what you meant.” There were several other typos I understood perfectly well. I actually thought it was meant to be wive/fling and I was confused. Sorry, OP.

Kind of coincides with hair loss, beer bellies and ED doesn’t it.

Oh, ok, I apologise there are so many pedants and trolls on the board that I just assumed, which was not helpful.

Oh, no worries! I used to be a pedant myself. Then I just got the fuck over it and realized that worse things happen at sea.

Promise?

<Looks hopefully at calendar>

Are you talking about yourself here.
The men who have cheated on me have had awful personality

But when I found out , I finished with them.

They may be pretending their wife is so amazing as theyre doing it again.

They tell you that your the best thing thats happened to them cos they're cheating again.

The only time ive known a man to absolutely love their woman despite cheating have actually stayed together long time.

But that petson has always put their wife through hell.