AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

[FlamingoFloss]

I’m in my 50’s so like to think I have a bit of life experience. Over the years I’ve seen a variety of men cheat on their wives/ling term partners. Ultimately, just because they could. They didn’t get going out and stayed together. Or maybe they did - who knows?

fasg forward a few years and these men are now in their 50’s/60’s and their wife/partner that they’ve been with for years, and who they treated so loosely when they were younger, is now their EVERYTHING.

Ive seen this quite a bit. Why is this? Have they finally grown up and now see what they’ve always had? Do they have regrets? What’s it all about out? Anyone else seen this?

Yes, it's interesting - and infuriating - that their need for care ramps up just as women's oestrogen-driven interest in caring drops off...

I think it's possible youre being naive. They (and their wives) are better at putting on a good public show, and the shared life they have is important enough to protect even if the relationship isn't. See also avoiding the cost and change of lifestyle divorce would bring.

I know two men, whichever basically decided to make the most of things at home rather than have to start over in a one bed flat.

They can't get women anymore and his DW harbours resentment that he can never fully resolve.

Why are you so invested in other people's relationships? How do you know they are all cheating on their wives?
Dont women ever cheat on their partners?

My mum was the cheat in our family. She's in her 80s now and hasn't cheated since the 90s due to lack of opportunity and probably realising she risks losing the financial security my dad gives her. He stayed with her as he didn't want to lose the house he'd worked for. She was abusive to me and him too but you can't force someone to leave.

Their arses disappear, I mean literally the fat on their backsides seems to just start to dissipate. I have joked that DH arse is migrating to mine.

What I wonder in all this is if the wives knew why did they put up with it, I don’t care about why men suddenly behave,

Whatever the reason it’s almost guaranteed to be selfish.

They are no longer attractive / they can barely get it up any more / they are knackered and can't be arsed / they realise thry are aging and they need to get a few good years in the bank so muggins the wife will cook and clean in retirement ?

I generally think it’s because they’ve got old and are struggling to attract women. I remember it being said that Annette Benning ‘tamed’ Warren Beatty a well known woman when in actual fact I just thought he’d got old and his reputation proceeded him?

well known womaniser not woman 😂

This. It's not that they've suddenly thought 'Dear old Agnes, I've taken her for granted all these years and really she is the true love of my life...'. It's 'What best suits my comfort and needs at this time? Well, old Agnes has a track record of caring, my bread appears to be buttered this side...'.

Tiredness, lack of success and the need for someone to do all their housework in retirement.

I sadly have more than one colleague that fits this description, and have had this conversation previously.

The problem they face is if they have let themselves go physically at 50 or 60, it takes rather a lot of money to attract a woman in her 30s as they may have done in their 40s. They find themselves priced out of the market.

Even if they have the surplus for the requisite flash car, fine dining, and travel, they lose the energy to maintain the deception as it takes a lot of effort to cover your tracks effectively.

But the big one is the cost of marital exit if discovered, which is massive by the 50s and 60s. Financial disaster territory.

So, they hang up their spurs and finally put that charm and energy into their wives - if they'll still have them.

Yes and what I’m always amazed by is how the wife and adult children carry on like he has always been the most amazing husband/father

Maybe DC have grown up and the husband starts getting more attention or subconsciously feels more important and less sidelined?

or maybe the wife doesn’t notice any change? My DH will make out to people that me and DC are his world but I don’t see that

Because everyone has a lot to lose if they don't. As with most things in life, it's all about the money.

To be fair the ones I know often haven’t a pot to piss in and live in a council house so it’s not money

I think they realise they have an awful lot more to lose- by then probably have assets, pensions etc and yes they realise the ones who might be interested actually might not tolerate their odd habits and still might not be bothered about sex etc

I’ve known men still have affairs when older. Or are unhappily married and treat wives appallingly. Sad.

This. They don’t want to start over. Especially if they’ve worked hard for their lives.

I think its a combination of things:

1. Declining testosterone and erectile issues - not so easy to tom cat around if you cant get it up due to the general effects of age and declining health
2. Lack of interest from women. Most men of that age dont put much effort into their appearance. The men I know of this age on the whole are balding, overweight and saggy whereas the women I know of that age still look very fit/healthy. Them sleazing on to younger women with the same chat up lines they used to use in the 90s/00s dont work any more, much to their chargrin. They just look sad and pathetic.
3. Arrogance. Connected to point 2- I think men who used to be fit and attractive in their 20s/30s got used to women reacting favourably to their "charm". They became arrogant about it and are still in the same mindset that they are God's gift to women. The fact that younger women now see their ageing 50/60 year old self as sad and pathetic utterly confuses and baffles them. They arently able to self reflect and ponder why this might be because they arent used to that kind of self awareness so instead they become even more angry and indignant about it. This makes their entitled attitude even more repulsive and gross to women.
4. Societal changes. They are dinosaurs in a modern world and they cannot navigate it like they used to. Women these days are more independent and (hopefully) the pay gap is closing meaning that they simply arent needed like they used to be and that pisses them off royally.
5. As a result of the above they stay with their wives (who by this point look better than them) because they are comfortable and have realised they simply cant get away with it any more

Funny analogy except that suggests she won which I don't think she has. Unless the parcel was a wrapped dog turd 😅

My experience with guys like this is they just start to get tired/weary, combined with the fact that the pool of willing participants for them to cheat with pretty much dries up. That makes their partner a solid option at that point.

Actually I almost added a sarcastic Lucky her.

I'm friends with a couple like this. What changed him was religion and realising how wonderful his wife is. She can now do no wrong. He is still rich handsome in his 60's and would still attract attention, I would say.