DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Op re your dd - her anxiety is likely connected to living in such a dysfunctional household. And the threat hanging over her of the family breaking up.

but once that is lanced and she’s in a calm and stable environment she will flourish I promise. Esp if you can get her a good child therapist to support her along the way.

my son had the same issue. Anxiety through the roof for years. Now a calm, stable and confident teenager. It was getting out that made that happen. Without it, he’d have been in psych care by now, I believe.

Even if there were no inheritance and pre/post nup issues, you should divorce him for being a total arsehole and leech. He is draining you dry in every single way, financially and emotionally.

Your life will be so much better and happier without him.

QFT.

He doesn't give a shit about you and only gives a shit about his kids in the sense that he can use them to blackmail you to keep his utterly cushy lifestyle to which he contributes absolutely nothing.

Kids are more resiliant than you think. You are unhappy and stressed and this will be obvious to your kids. Imagine a life and a home without his malevolent presence. Keep detailed records of his abusive behaviour towards you and the children (this includes the malipulative things he says to the kids).

I don’t think that you should ask him again about the post nup. It’s a shame that he can’t talk about it like an adult, but he is clearly saying no.

In your situation I would divorce him now, without the post nup. Marital assets (which don’t currently include your inheritance) would be split 50/50 and whilst you’ll lose a bit, this is the cheapest solution.

If for some reason you don’t want to divorce (or if sadly you don’t think it will be finalised before you receive your inheritance) then get your parents to put an amount equal to school and uni fees and house deposit into trust directly for each of your children. This isn’t counted in a divorce as it belongs to the children.

Then look at trust wrappers for everything else for you. This will protect it if you divorce later, provided that you haven’t removed it for use.

Absolutely 100% get out this marriage - your kids will be way way way better off long term. You and them can live in an environment that is not constantly tense and uncomfortable.

Yes that is ridiculous.

After reading your posts, I cannot see one good or positive reason to stay married to this man. If his complete disengagement isn’t bad enough he is now manipulating your daughter and painting you as the bad guy!

I see him as an extremely cunning, lazy, individual, and please don’t underestimate the ‘cunning’.

You can divorce him now, split current assets and keep your future inheritance.

Or you can stay married, get your inheritance and then he can divorce you and split ALL the assets (he will do this, you know that).

If you don't want him to do the second, you're going to have to do the first.

If you’re divorced, he won’t have any rights to inheritance received after divorce.

How is that fucking helpful to the poor OP?

OP - in the nicest possible way,you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

The marriage is not a happy one, you aren’t happy, he doesn’t seem happy and the kids will pick up on that. Divorce for that reason.

Your DH sounds like a bit of an untrustworthy manipulative freeloader. He is not worth it and not worth risking your future financial stability for or that of the children.

if you remain married then the inherited assets are likely to become marital assets.If your DH gets his hands on those then don’t assume that they will at some point pass to the kids.

I know it seems like a mountain- and it will be difficult and painful climbing it but the other side of the divorce I’m sure that you’ll be much happier.

He is treating both you and your daughter very unfairly. She’ll continue to live in an anxious state if this continues. I spent much of my childhood worrying about my parents separating, and it was very very bad for me. The actual separation, once it (inevitably) happened, was less awful than the dread of it had been.
I would firstly see your father’s solicitor with him; get the business and family money in a trust or whatever solicitor suggests to ring fence it. Do this asap.
Once that’s in place, file for divorce. You will be happier and you will have removed your daughter’s anxiety. You then have to be sensitive co-parents and not pressurise/pull the children between you, but you sound as if you would be careful of their needs. Give them clarity and consistency. Split family assets fairly, not sentimentally.
Get on with this straight away. You never know what life has round the corner. It needs sorting while your father is well. DH is not going to budge on the post-nup now that it’s likely to be used. It was an easy promise to make before marriage, when you feel so sure it’s all going to work out. Good luck.

You don’t need a prenup, you need a divorce

Sounds like he’s pretty disinterested in being a parent, so you’ll probably have the kids a lot more. Split your current assets equally, even if it means a house sale - as you’ve said, it’s bricks and mortar. Your future assets are not yours currently

Then have an honest conversation with your child that you and her dad don’t love each other anymore. When she’s old enough, you can have a conversation of expectations of needing an equal partner in life who will share the load and that dad couldn’t offer this to you. This will teach her to have higher expectations in her own relationships as an adult

You have to divorce him ASAP. I can’t believe you haven’t filed already.

I don't see why that would be the case. A properly structured trust should work well in this situation. Of course it would have fees but if the asset is substantial then it's worth it. And then it's just not considered part of the marital pot. There's no reason it cannot be used in a discretionary way to benefit DC with school fees etc. It doesn't sound like you'd need to access the funds anyway for your benefit given your salary
I suggest you and Dad go and see a solicitor who has experience setting these up and get advice from there. I think a trust is a way better idea than a post nup given DH reaction

ETA: I have seen your update about the relationship. I think a divorce is the best option here. And of course kids would be upset, but what are you role modelling in terms of relationships? Is that better than having them cope with divorced parents? Divorce is not always the worst option for kids

I'm so sorry he sounds awful.
Forget the post nup. Get divorce advice.

So he's a manipulative bum who won't hold his tongue about his so called sentimalism to safeguard the mental stability and emotional health of his children?

My mum had a very acrimonious divorce with my dad, he had affairs and she had to fight to stay in the family home with us etc, and I didn't know a thing about the background till I was an adult, because she held herself together around my sister and I as we were children and she didn't want to add to our changes. That's what a good parent does, put the children's peace before theirs, if your DH tries to manipulate the kids it'd be awful of him.

Your husbnds sentiment is completely unreasonable considering he does nothing to create memories with his kids in the family home and he doesn't help maintain it (ie cleaning and cooking). He's a ghost in his kids childhoods.

Your kids will get older and begin to SEE what their mum and dad's relationship is like. They're small now and it's incredibly hard to imagine changing their routine, it's so precious. But remember - he has done this, not you. And long term, they will be better off in a home with a happy mum.

Can you retain the family home?

Having just read this - your marriage is already over.

And I think it’s entirely possible he only married you with the expectation of that inheritance. And he’s manipulating your DC, nasty bastard that he is.

Divorce the prick.

If you are in England or Wales it’s not enforceable anyway.

well, the best thing would be to divorce now, right? then if you want to marry again make sure you have watertight inheritence planning

This is sad but sounds like you need to protect yourself. I am sure there are ways of protecting at least some of your inheritance legally if entered into now but would be expensive and complicated to do so. Realistically it sounds safer to divorce at this point as sad as that is.

Another one that thinks you need a divorce rather than a post-nup. It sounds like your marriage has been over for some time, and you’re staying together “for the children”. The trouble is that that really doesn’t work. The reason your DD is so anxious and worried is at least in part because she’s picking up on the constant tension. You owe it to all of them to make their home calm and happy. Yes, you can’t control what he does or says on his time, but believe me that’s better than them having to put up with it full time. You can explain to your DD in an age appropriate way that the relationship is not working, and model for her that she does have a right to leave a man who she no longer loves.

He will therefore tell my daughter (which he’s done in the past when I’ve said we need to separate) that mummy wants to separate and mummy wants to break us all up. I have no idea how I come back from that with my DD.

that is not your primary concern here. He is a cocklodger and it is clear he was never going to sign away all that lovely money. You see that now, i think.

Assuming you are in the UK, file for divorce now. Right away. And either you move out or he does.

If you were a man, you would be ripped apart on here.

Incidentally is there a word for a female cocklodger? Someone who contributes nothing but lives off her husband’s money? I have always wondered why it seems to be an exclusively male thing