DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

@mamato3rascals please divorce him already.

You may find he's not entitled to much as it's a short marriage, and it sounds like you've been living separate lives for a while. Make sure you tell your lawyer that you cook separately and he does his own washing, etc, and you do all childcare, etc, as this may make his claim to anything less viable.

You'll probably find your dd is less anxious once the atmosphere in the house is lighter with him gone. His behaviour to them is emotionally abusive and manipulative, and will be contributing to her anxiety.

Good luck

You don't love him and are more bothered about ensuring he doesn't get your inheritance than staying married to him.

Just cut the crap and divorce. Forget the post-nup nonsense.

You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. You have no prenup or postnup.

Hmmm, well for a start, it’s not hers - it’s a family business, presumably run by @mamato3rascals parents, or uncles/aunts.

And if the sexes were reversed, and the OP were a man, the stalling wife -earning less, putting off signing any sort of pre/post nup, wanting all of the family home - would be called a grabby gold-digger.

I imagine the OP’s husband will stop being exhausted and will find a solicitor PDQ if the OP handed him divorce papers.

I think you need professional advice re putting the family business into a discretionary trust instead of inheriting it fully.

He’s a bastard @mamato3rascals You are worth more than the life you’re living. Divorce him - your DD’s anxiety could be that she’s starting to pick up on your tension and exhaustion and your husband’s complete lack of care for you or the family.

It sounds like he’s very manipulative and thought he was on the way to a very cushy life.

People are so wary of trusts but they’re perfect for this sort of scenario. . Family leave assets to a discretionary trust for benefit of you/kids. You draw from as you need the money. No assets within your our hands at all, so husband can’t touch. They don’t have to be difficult to access or draw from but there are additional costs and taxes and complicity compared to if the money were in your hands but safeguards from husband and also means it’s not in your estate for IHT purposes. Find a STEP specialist lawyer & a IFA

Your husband isn’t throwing everything into your marriage. I’d start the divorce.

Sorry just read your last update irrespective of the inheritance please leave this man. He sounds terrible husband and parent. I’m sure you’ll all be happier without him in your lives. And perhaps you can draw from the family money to help you be in a better place ie reduce your work stress have more help. You’re basically a single parent now anyways in terms of what you’re managing.

Divorce now and split the house and any assets. Surely then any inheritance later on will be yours alone.

@mamato3rascals

Your marriage is dead as a dodo. You need to see a solicitor asap. Take a 'snapshot' of family finances; assets, incomes, outgoes, etc, so they can give you an idea of what you might expect financially.

As far as the house the options are one of you buys out the other or the house gets sold and equity split. Just because he's 'attached' that doesn't mean he gets to stay there 'forever' without buying you out. That's not how divorce works.

And you will not be 'breaking up the family'. He's doing that by reneging on his promise and the fact that he's pretty much checked out of family life. And your DD will be fine. There may be a period of upset and adjustment, but divorce is pretty common. Chances are there are just as many children in her 'social circle' in one parent homes as there are in two parent homes so she'll see many children happily going between Mummy's house and Daddy's house. As far as what you say you can say "Sometimes mummies and daddies can't get along anymore. When that happens it's best that they don't live in the same house anymore. But Mummy and Daddy love you to pieces and always will". If he tries the 'look what Mummy is doing to you/doing to Daddy' bullshit, report it to your solicitor. Parental alienation is taken seriously.

Get professional advice but do face your marriage has actually ended far earlier than now. Your children will not flourish with this relationship as it is.

If you divorce now, surely you will continue to be the main care giver so would keep the house. Can you afford the mortgage on your own? If not, can you sell your investment property? He would get a percentage but you may get a much greater one.

If you think he won’t leave you should look into getting an eviction notice to force him out.

Your daughter is likely made more anxious due to her home environment. You might find that with time and support she will be much happier with you than having your husband in the house.

In your situation I would talk to a lawyer. I hope you can resolve things so you’re in a much happier place. It sounds like you’ve been in a rough situation for a while.

OP, you really need legal advice ASAP. I have a fraction of the money you do and I looked into a trust for my child. I sought legal advice before separating from my partner (and we had no combined assets). By seeking actual professional advice, you are protecting your kid's inheritance as well as your own. It will give you the tools you need to make firm decisions.

Your DP is dreadful. Apart from being selfish, avoidant, and very calculating (his actions seem deliberate) he is also an irresponsible parent, manipulating a child in adult matters by blaming you to them (a parental agreement/ court order will stop him doing that in the future).

Absolutely leave him but take a day off work and get legal advice asap before doing so.

Since he hasn’t signed anything and has refused to:

Hold off receiving anything from your father.

Then make sure your property is split 50/50!

Then he will regret being greedy I’m sure!

OP's husband happened.

Firstly 'prenups' are not even a thing in the UK (if that's where you are), let alone ''post nup'. People watch these American movies and tv shows and genuinely think they're actually a thing. They're not. They are worth less than the paper they're written on. They are not a thing in the UK and stand for nothing and are not actionable in the UK. So forget about this 'prenup'/'postnup' thing. It's not relevant to you.

Secondly, as he is a deadbeat father and husband and does nothing, why should he get the house? He should move out, get a house or flat on his own, and you and the children stay in the house. I'd give him his marching orders now, and just give him the amount he has paid on the mortgage to date.

Agree with others, he is emotionally abusing your children and sounds like a useless idiot. Get rid asap.

Seek financial advice on your own.
Do everything to keep your family businesses out of reach of your husband. He is not trustworthy.
He did not earn them and he promised to not snatch them.
So seek legal and financial advice while your parents have the capacity to change structures to protect the generations of family work invested - so to carry forward to the generation after you..

You should never have married without proper advice and a legally binding contract with your DH.
Remember that for when your children are thinking of marrying.

Be prepared to have the children more than 50/50 if you separate because I seriously worry about how his personality will cause your children harm.

@mamato3rascals - There is a misunderstanding in your OP. Assuming you are in the UK, there is no 5-year limit on the validity of post nuptial agreements. Once it is entered into, a post nuptial agreement remains valid indefinitely unless it is amended by both parties. It is, however, a good idea to review the agreement regularly to ensure it still reflects current circumstances.

Reading your posts, it seems to me that you are focussing on the wrong thing. It sounds like your marriage has already failed, so you should focus on sorting out a divorce.

This. The little I know about working with pre nups when I worked as a legal sec is they’re very tricky legally so most lawyers don’t advise on getting them. Or if they do so it’s with caution. Legally it is what pp said, what’s yours is his, half of it. That’s the way the law works.

This is my understanding too re them. And why most family/divorce lawyers I know advise against them or if they advise on them they do so with caution. Maybe it’s different in USA.

She needs a heck of a lot of legal advice that I do know.

I know a very good family/divorce lawyer who handled my mum’s tricky divorce with similar issues many years ago, if you’d like details. Not cheap though. Holborn based firm.

Oh and you need a divorce. No point flogging a dead horse.

Op re your dd - her anxiety is likely connected to living in such a dysfunctional household. And the threat hanging over her of the family breaking up.

but once that is lanced and she’s in a calm and stable environment she will flourish I promise. Esp if you can get her a good child therapist to support her along the way.

my son had the same issue. Anxiety through the roof for years. Now a calm, stable and confident teenager. It was getting out that made that happen. Without it, he’d have been in psych care by now, I believe.