Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

586 replies

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 21:56

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

OP posts:
BarbiesDreamHome · 15/04/2026 07:59

I'm surprised that for someone clued up about the legal risks of marriage that you proceeded. We literally only got married because of the legal benefits so unless staying married to him legally outweighs the benefits of being divorced then just plow though with it. If he wants to stay together then you can. You could even remarry if he does a pre nup (although not sure I'd trust them the be 100% safe or that I'd want to be married to someone who knew the deal and is now trying to avoid it. He had an excuse before you married and he now has a new one. He will always have one.

AggroPotato · 15/04/2026 08:00

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:29

@MyMonthlyNameChange He doesn’t do any housework nor childcare. Refuses to take time off for the kids during school holidays so I get by with help from my parents and I take 1-2 days per week off during summer holidays to save on constant childcare and clubs - he refuses to take one of those days and tells me to put them in clubs (which I pay for given higher £). He doesn’t do the housework - I have a cleaner. He says that his job is far mor vulnerable than mine having only been there 2 years (I’m senior and 20+ years in my company). He is always busy. Then at weekends will find something to keep him busy to avoid any conversation.

We sleep in separate beds, he does his own washing. He mostly sleeps in at weekends until 8:30 whilst I am an early riser and up with the kids. It’s truly awful and I have asked what we can do so I can take a step back from work (my job is super intense and high pressured) and his response has always been that he cannot put anything else financially in. He pays a v small mortgage and a small amount towards childcare, but I pay everything else. My car needs changing and he doesn’t have the time to help me with what I’m looking for, my property rental has maintenance issues and he is hopeless at helping or engaging so I have to work it out myself on top of everything else or ask dad for help.

He makes his own dinner every evening as refuses to eat what the kids and I eat- he wants scrambled eggs every single evening. He cooks said eggs and I come into the kitchen the next morning 60% of the time with the remains of his dinner from the night before still on the floor / on the kitchen counter because he hadn’t been arsed to clean it.

Forget the money for a second.

What the hell. This is not a marriage. This is not even a good housemate situation.

You need to realise that your kids growing up seeing this utter contempt and disconnect from their dad will be so, so damaging.

You need to divorce him for his behaviour alone.

And then there's the money. It is very clear from his behaviour that he doesn't even like you. At all. He is waiting for you to inherit so he can disappear with half.

I'm sorry, I know it must be painful to read but please wake up. He does not love you, he loves your money and doesn't even bother to pretend to care about you because he has surmised that you're too deluded and ground down to see it.

FlyingApple · 15/04/2026 08:02

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:29

@MyMonthlyNameChange He doesn’t do any housework nor childcare. Refuses to take time off for the kids during school holidays so I get by with help from my parents and I take 1-2 days per week off during summer holidays to save on constant childcare and clubs - he refuses to take one of those days and tells me to put them in clubs (which I pay for given higher £). He doesn’t do the housework - I have a cleaner. He says that his job is far mor vulnerable than mine having only been there 2 years (I’m senior and 20+ years in my company). He is always busy. Then at weekends will find something to keep him busy to avoid any conversation.

We sleep in separate beds, he does his own washing. He mostly sleeps in at weekends until 8:30 whilst I am an early riser and up with the kids. It’s truly awful and I have asked what we can do so I can take a step back from work (my job is super intense and high pressured) and his response has always been that he cannot put anything else financially in. He pays a v small mortgage and a small amount towards childcare, but I pay everything else. My car needs changing and he doesn’t have the time to help me with what I’m looking for, my property rental has maintenance issues and he is hopeless at helping or engaging so I have to work it out myself on top of everything else or ask dad for help.

He makes his own dinner every evening as refuses to eat what the kids and I eat- he wants scrambled eggs every single evening. He cooks said eggs and I come into the kitchen the next morning 60% of the time with the remains of his dinner from the night before still on the floor / on the kitchen counter because he hadn’t been arsed to clean it.

Well he sounds fantastic. I think I'd be getting divorced.

UnitedStatesofShame · 15/04/2026 08:02

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:52

I agree divorce is inevitable. We live completely separate lives. He’s just been away for 2.5 weeks with work, called the kids 4 times and each time he called I handed the phone to the kids, we didn’t really speak.

My issue is that he gets overly sentimental about things. Example being he won’t ever move from the family home because it’s where he thinks the kids picture their childhood (I mean yes bricks and mortar but we live such a dysfunctional life). He will therefore tell my daughter (which he’s done in the past when I’ve said we need to separate) that mummy wants to separate and mummy wants to break us all up. I have no idea how I come back from that with my DD. Other two are young and if anything I need to do before they get to the astute age of my older child, but I am tormented at her thinking I’m breaking up the family.

Why in god's name are you with this piece of crap.

Probablyshouldntsay · 15/04/2026 08:04

How old are the dc OP? If they’re young you may as well pull the plug and set the divorce in motion.
theres no love in the marriage and frankly your H would be an absolute moron to sign a post nup

TeamGeriatric · 15/04/2026 08:04

It seems like the boat has sailed on this pre/post-nup, it needed signing before you ever got married. Having never been in this situation, just based on the info you've shared, I don't think I would be inclined to sign in his situation, given rocky marriage and likelihood of impending divorce. Not condoning in anyway his refusal to discuss the situation, but presumably this behaviour/personality trait was at least partially responsible for him not signing before the wedding? I fear you are heading for divorce whatever happens in the short term, it seems like a deal breaker for you.

TroysMammy · 15/04/2026 08:05

I remember when I got divorced that the Solicitor said there was something to sign that my ex husband wouldn't have a future claim on a house sale, pension, inheritance or lottery win.

MJagain · 15/04/2026 08:06

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:20

As ridiculous as this sounds, one of the things I have been considering is divorcing (to cut the financial chord and because we are in dire straits) but to keep living together? I am just thinking of the kids who would be crushed

He’d be an idiot to agreed to that.

it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Noise cancelling headphones in his office - what is he actually doing?
You daughters mental health issues may improve when the household is less high pressure & stressed.

BarbiesDreamHome · 15/04/2026 08:06

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2026 07:57

If you were a man, you would be ripped apart on here.

Incidentally is there a word for a female cocklodger? Someone who contributes nothing but lives off her husband’s money? I have always wondered why it seems to be an exclusively male thing

Its golddigger. Its also entirely irrelevant to this post as the intention was set out prior to marriage that the family assets that were in place long before the relationship, were protected. It's hardly like she married him, shot to CEO while he sacrificed his career to look after the kids and is now seeking to lock him out.

Is there a word for a man who enters into a marriage saying he wants nothing and then refuses ti formalise that legally because hes hoping to get his hands on the PILs assets?

socks1107 · 15/04/2026 08:06

You really should have had this signed before marriage as when you inherit it becomes a marita
asset.
The way round we’d all be on here telling you not to sign and that half of that’s yours. I’d suggest some legal advice but ultimately you can’t force him to sign and as your husband he does have rights if the inheritance comes before divorce

MJagain · 15/04/2026 08:08

FriedFalafels · 15/04/2026 07:38

You don’t need a prenup, you need a divorce

Sounds like he’s pretty disinterested in being a parent, so you’ll probably have the kids a lot more. Split your current assets equally, even if it means a house sale - as you’ve said, it’s bricks and mortar. Your future assets are not yours currently

Then have an honest conversation with your child that you and her dad don’t love each other anymore. When she’s old enough, you can have a conversation of expectations of needing an equal partner in life who will share the load and that dad couldn’t offer this to you. This will teach her to have higher expectations in her own relationships as an adult

Agree with this.

TheHillIsMine · 15/04/2026 08:11

Your child is anxious because of the state of the atmosphere in the family home. Leaving would make her infinitely better I'm sure.

Obviously you shouldn't have married him without doing this. A man who won't do it means his word is worthless. He's played you.

Shouldbedoing · 15/04/2026 08:11

You need to divorce before he does more emotional harm to your children. He is teaching them that they and you don't matter.
You will all, very soon, be much happier.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2026 08:14

You need to get divorced. All trust is gone. Better sooner rather than later.

Vconcerned1 · 15/04/2026 08:14

LaylaN · 14/04/2026 22:12

Grim, it’s the kids I feel sorry for. Money ahead of them.

This. Since when did money and wealth come ahead of love. You can't take it with you.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/04/2026 08:16

I agree that you need to divorce asap.

Does your daughter have a therapist? If not then I’d look into that as a priority so she can have a safe space to explore her feelings with someone neutral. She may well find it hard and got awful messages from your H but I think it’s likely that some of her anxiety is due to the atmosphere at home.

DrySherry · 15/04/2026 08:19

You are married to him with 3 children. What's yours is his and vice versa. Stop this self preserving attitude, get on with your marriage and forget about trying to siphon off funds. Your marriage will thank you.

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2026 08:22

Swiftie1878 · 14/04/2026 22:04

Before everyone piles in, just to say, if you were a man you’d be torn to shreds on here.

You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. You have no prenup or postnup. Why would he sign now with your relationship on the rocks, especially with three young children in the mix - he’ll need finances to be able to see them and accommodate them, just like you.

Do what’s right for your whole family and not just you.

This. You have been married long enough to produce 3 children so the marriage laws of the UK apply fully. 50/50 split.

Seelybe · 15/04/2026 08:26

Swiftie1878 · 14/04/2026 22:04

Before everyone piles in, just to say, if you were a man you’d be torn to shreds on here.

You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. You have no prenup or postnup. Why would he sign now with your relationship on the rocks, especially with three young children in the mix - he’ll need finances to be able to see them and accommodate them, just like you.

Do what’s right for your whole family and not just you.

@mamato3rascals I completely disagree with @Swiftie1878. This was a predictable huge inequality between you before marriage which tbh you should have resolved then.
As you didn't, if your family can't use a trust to protect your inheritance I think you have to divorce now. Whether or not you still live together is another matter. There can then be a financial order on current assets which resolves the issue once and for all.

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2026 08:26

TroysMammy · 15/04/2026 08:05

I remember when I got divorced that the Solicitor said there was something to sign that my ex husband wouldn't have a future claim on a house sale, pension, inheritance or lottery win.

That's a financial order. It means neither you nor your exhusband can pursue each other in the future if there is extra wealth that has come along after the divorce. Might be a good idea for Op to get a divorce before she inherits. Legal advice from an actual solicitor is crucial

AngryHerring · 15/04/2026 08:27

DrySherry · 15/04/2026 08:19

You are married to him with 3 children. What's yours is his and vice versa. Stop this self preserving attitude, get on with your marriage and forget about trying to siphon off funds. Your marriage will thank you.

Did you read all of OPs posts? It's not a marriage in anything but a piece of paper.

Don't show your kids that this is what marriage is. Move out. Get divorced.

FWIW to the "if OP were a man" PPs: if ALWAYS advise the more asset rich partner not to marry.

Owly11 · 15/04/2026 08:30

You sound contemptuous of your husband and it sounds like you have never been fully committed to the relationship, trying to keep yourself protected and not reliant on him in any way. I don't think the relationship can be saved unless you can find a really good marriage counsellor.

PantaloonMad · 15/04/2026 08:31

Why did you enter into a marriage you were already thinking of ending in divorce? But still not do a pre nup? Pre nups don’t always hold up in the UK anyway

Givemeausernamepls · 15/04/2026 08:31

Two separate issues. Protecting your inheritance (other than not getting married) I have no idea on this one.

Big issue is you are in an awful relationship. It’s like you are living with an unruly teenager who won’t clean up after themselves / take on any responsibility. I have a saying short term
shit, long term gain. I don’t know how old your DD is, but you are going to have to tell her in an age appropriate way, that you are not breaking your family up, you are removing the drain… you and your kids can be a family, they may even get a better version of him that does actually spend time with them

PinkTonic · 15/04/2026 08:33

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2026 08:22

This. You have been married long enough to produce 3 children so the marriage laws of the UK apply fully. 50/50 split.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly. If she divorces him now he’ll get his share of the current assets, so half the house instead of all of it.