DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

In this short life, especially the few years we have with our children as they grown up, we should strive for peace, contentment and fun in our day to day lives.

I think you have none of these and the days pass in a struggle.
When we are within a horrible marriage and having to struggle, put the face on, smile to reassure our children while our heart is so low in our chest it is the absolute lowest loneliest place.
You will be happier without this man dragging you down and unsettling your little girl’s mind with his poison.
He is neither use nor ornament. Nor parent. Not confidant. Nor friend. Nor husband.
This will not get better.

If you stay and the inevitable happens with your Dad, knowing he broke his word to you both will destroy the marriage anyway then, and he will benefit.

Get legal advice and move on, get away from this man. He hasn’t the respect for you to speak / puts on headband locks the door, leaves his food for you to clear, ignores the pressures of your work. You don’t have to stay, the children will be better off and you can make yourselves a new story.

I hope you come back and tell us what you think and I send you all positive vibes 💗

Just get divorced, legally separate, and then you could carry on living together as a couple/family if you both want to. Just without the contract of marriage binding your finances for ever more. Explain that to him - you love him (if you still do!), you want to stay with him, but you need to legally separate because he's reneged on his agreement to the postnup. Don't back down, even if he suddenly comes around to accepting the post nup. Shat ship has sailed, he had his chance, too fucking late.

Or have the family business transferred into some sort of trust that keeps it out of the marital assets (but don't tell your dh, at least not until he does want a divorce a bit further down the road).

He sounds awful! The laziness, selfishness and his emotionally harmful comments to your daughter are more than enough reason to divorce him. Sounds like he sees you as a meal ticket too.

I am sorry that you are now at a crisis point where this needs to be dealt with. However, you are fortunate your father is still alive, and time remains for him (and I’m assuming the inherited assets are from your dad’s projected estate) to engage a solicitor and make a ringfenced plan such as a trust with conditions attached. Is there an opportunity for the inheritance to skip a generation and go to your children, possibly freeing up your own financial commitments (eg if you have savings for your children you can pause) and focus on your personal liquidity?

Your issue isn't that your DH is overly sentimental.
It isn't the post nup.
Your issue is that your DH is abusive and manipulative, towards you and your DC.

Your DD is anxious because she sees how he treats you and how he behaves - which is bizarre - and he involves her in things that she should NOT be involved in.

You need to reframe your thinking: you won't be tearing your family apart by divorcing your H, you will be ending the abusive chaotic situation in which your DCs currently live.

Your H: - does no housework.
- does no childcare
- pays very little into the family pot
- doesn't eat with the family
- doesn't clear up after himself (why. is there so often mess on the floor?)
- doesn't share a bed with you
- refuses to discuss concerns w you
- doesn't help with household admin
- speaks inappropriately to your DD

Get legal advice, institute a formal legal separation ASAP, and proceed to divorce on the grounds of domestic abuse.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it to protect your children.

I think the deep unhappiness in your home will be apparent to your DC and add to their being unsettled.

This.

And OP, you would not be the one breaking the family up. Your H has done that through his shitty behaviour.

He sounds awful op - your family will likely be happy if you divorce him.

@mamato3rascals

Divorce aside - do talk to a solicitor about trusts. Because I do not think it's as you describe.
Yes - drawing on them may be not straightforward, but the act of drawing does not make the trust a family asset. Only the amount drawn - and depending on the use of funds. For eg - if you use it on school fees, or a holiday - it is spent, rather than becoming an asset. Etc.
There are different trusts and with + and - , which you need to really understand before making a decision.
FWIW - your H sounds neurodiverse in some ways, and I am sure living with him is challenging. Divorcing may be the only way - as you do not have a well functioning relationship.

Divorce seems the obvious solution here. He’s trying to wait it out in order to have a claim on 50% of the estate. Inheritance is not automatically considered a marital asset, but it is certainly prudent for you to cut financial ties with this man.

If you don’t take action, your father may do so. He’s now aware that your husband has reneged, so it’s quite likely that he will take steps to prevent your husband having any claim (which may also negatively impact you). I wouldn’t hesitate, in his position.

Divorce sounds inevitable. There’s nothing to gain and everything to lose in waiting until he starts proceedings (after you inherit). You will be dealing with your grief in top of this.

Exactly and if her father is that wealthy why were lawyers now involved right from beginning before getting married? There's no incentive for him to sign anything at this point given divorce is inevitable.

@mamato3rascals your father needs to engage estate planners and lawyers and alos see maybe negotiating a settlement with him as part of the divorce will work. Since he seems to want the house you may have to give it up to him depending on how much the business is worth. Thinking if I think I read you already said he will get the house.

this is as very often on Mumsnet totally invalid. IF a dad gave birth to 3 dc, took a year off work to care for them, cut his career back to be the present parent, did most of the mental load around kids medical issues sports schools house friends parties, and was the breadwinner then Mumsnet would quite rationally say protect everything you have from the joke you married.

this on the other hand is exactly the op- she gave birth, she looked after them, she’s the breadwinner, he’s been away wiht work for weeks and phoned them a couple of times so he’s the opposite of a present parent and does nothing for them- she should just get divorced as fast as she can and fuck leaving him the house too, he didn’t agree anything and he can get what’s a fair settlement. The op is bringing up their 3 kids and should also get a fair settlement which is probably the house. Just get a good lawyer and start moving, he doesn’t deserve the family home if he can barely even phone his kids. The family home is for the family.

If I were you I would file for divorce irrespective of the inheritance.

He sound horrible. Divorce now!!! Not just to protect your family’s wealth but for yourself and your kids happiness

STOP thinking the kids deserve this man living in their home. Your precious kids deserve space from this emotionally abusive man and they will be so much better off growing up without him in their main home. They will realise everything he says about you is full of shit. You can plan lots of responses to it ‘mummy and daddy both love you (may not be true, zero indication he loves them) , and I think good parents should protect their kids from some of the things that happen between adults, because you dont need to worry about that. We can’t live together anymore but daddy is welcome to make arrangements for you to stay at his, I’ll talk to him.

but down the track you may also have to protect them from having to stay at his as he truly sounds like he can’t care for them and they’d be looking after themselves at his.

He doesn’t contribute to your life at all. Divorce him. Regardless of the money he’s not a partner.

Oh, God @mamato3rascals :
Divorce.

I think you need to speak to your parents about their wills - get them to put everything in a testamentary trust that only you can access. There has to be a way to legally protect you from DH. They probably need to find a way to specify this.

I'm struggling to see the dilemma tbh. Your marriage is already down the toilet. If you divorce now, the anticipated inheritance will no longer be an issue. Given your prospects of financial security in the long run, you could even afford to be generous in order to get him to not drag things out over years.

Your only real problem is that you're falling for his crap about how the children absolutely need you all to stay in this house forever. But he would say that, wouldn't he. The problem is his manipulativeness, not the fact of divorce, which from what you've said about him and the atmosphere at home would probably improve your child's anxiety rather than the reverse imo.

I would have divorced him already

The whole point of a pre nuptial agreement was to do before the wedding. You share 3 children now, it’s very transactional.
You never know how or when or if your marriage will end in divorce, you’re planning for it with 3 young children.
If I was him, I’d divorce you now.

It sounds like he is waiting until you inherit to then divorce you. I think if you feel divorce is inevitable and it looks that way then get on with it asap before it’s too late.

And a post nuptial agreement is for after.

It would be helpful for OP if the trash took itself out, but unfortunately it seems she’ll have to do it.

We have a friend whose wife is in a care home with severe altzheimers, almost exactly the same scenario you describe, large property, own flourishing business. Got hubby to sign pre up two decades ago. She's now in a care home, with no mental capacity to change pre nup or Will, her money has been frozen by her solicitors so hubby can't use joint account, our friend struggles to pay household bills, will be homeless when she passes away.

She'd be horrified if she knew what worry and heartache he's going through as they are very much in love or were before she was ravaged with dementia, and if she only knew she'd never have done it to him. The pre nup had been forgotten about and by the time the realisation had come about she'd lost mental capacity and it was too late, she'd have reversed it in a heartbeat such was her love for her husband. Its all very sad.

Pre nup is a total nightmare for the spouse left behind.