DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

I can't understand why you are still married to this man or considering still living with him after a divorce. I would forget about any pre/post up and initiate immediate divorce proceedings. He is using your children to blackmail you! Both you and your father need legal advice pronto.

Divorce him before you lose your inheritance. He's an arse.

This

I’m not sure what you’re actually worried about? Your inheritance presumably hasn’t been received yet so if you get divorced before you get it then he won’t be entitled to it surely? Unfortunately he’ll probably get half of what you’ve got but you sound like
you’ll be able to give your kids a good life on your own.

your kids will be fine, plenty of kids have separated parents and grow up just fine

Find your anger. Divorce the fucker

Quite right. I don't see why anyone whose whole contribution to child-having and child-rearing was a nanoliter of spaff should even have access to them

This 100 per cent.

You've spent years discussing this with him whilst he fobbed you off with "I don't have time to find a solicitor etc. "
It does sound as if he will now throw any spanners in the works that he can find, so don't give him the information to do that.

He wants his pay day.. He is only working in his own interests... not yours and probably not the DC's interests either given how he upsets and manipulates your poor DD and ramps up the anxiety.

So stop discussing it with him..it won't change his behaviour or his view of his interests
Get your professional advice.
Get your ducks in a row
Make your Decisions.
and then tell him your decision when you are able to act on it.

Had a friend in the same position. Love does make us blind to what men do. Over time things get worse, the men do less and less and you can be so busy getting stuff done that you do not notice how little support you are getting.

The cautionary tale is that (sadly), he is now likely to take you for every penny he can and to argue that he is the main carer. In my friends case, having done the cooking, cleaning and carried all the mental load she was left paying spousal maintenance for five years so her Ex-H could adjust. He also kept the house with the kids.

Visit the lawyer now and prepare for the worse. As the inheritance has not arrived yet, I think it can be excluded from consideration and legal advice should allow you to put the inheritance in a trust.

Your kids won't be "crushed" if you divorce. They may not like it initially but they will get over it.

Living with parents who are unhappy, dislike each other, don’t trust each other and don’t have a warm loving relationship their kids can aspire to replicate is more damaging than having divorced parents.

I think there is a number of things here. Firstly when raising this I would suggest writing out the high level components of the agreement in writing and then leaving it with him to read.

I would look in to whether there is a trust option that includes you and the children. It may be that you would not draw on the trust until much later anyway so it may provide protection in the short term.

You may find that the trust plus post-nup may be the best way.

It sounds like divorce is likely regardless given how you describe the dynamic. I would advise against suggesting divorce and negotiating a nost-nup. But also divorce and living together is likely to not help you. The government are planning cohabitation reform that would probably strip your rights anyway. I have a friend where she works and owns the house while her dead weight of a partner will probably get excessive leverage over her when that comes in.

The one thing that is stopping you from divorcing is the effect it may have on your daughter. It really needn’t be any more difficult for her than it is already living in a home with no love between her parents.

OP, it simply won’t work with you both divorced, and still living in the same house. He will try to alienate you from your DC anyway, as that, it seems, is the proven pattern already.

So you need to look into buying him out of the house as soon as possible if you think he will never agree to sell.
If he sees you mean business and if he has a clear cut financial reward hanging in front of him, he may well decide to grab it.
I think that’s your best bet.

Find yourself an excellent divorce lawyer, lean on your dad and start to reassure your daughter that daddy and you will always love her and make only the very best decisions for her which is why she will have two houses to live in each with her own lovely bedroom.

As the divorce gets underway, and if necessary, go as far as looking at suitable houses in the same school catchment area. Make it an attractive a deal as possible for him. He is lazy so it might be worth going the extra mile.

Your marriage is not serving you well in any way. And that is detrimental to yiur children. The stress and anxiety over the pre-nup will be removed once you find yourself the best divorce lawyer you can afford.
Your daughter will fare much better than you think if you use the right words to explain and reassure, no matter what he says to her as a weapon to hurt you.
Good luck OP.
The sooner you bite the bullet, the sooner it will be done and dusted.

But how can he renege when you didn't have a pre-nup, just some conversations about one? We have conversations about lots of things but they don't mean anything in law til you sign on the dotted line surely?

Give him the house because he loves it so much. Give him another £100k or the lowest amount you can afford. Watch him sell the house within a year.

This man doesn’t love you. He loves your money.

Get rid of him now. You'll feel so much better.

I agree, and that is what he wants you to think. Meanwhile HE is the one who is crushing and damaging them!

This frankly is a ridiculous idea. It is very clear your marriage is over. Also clear your husband is trying to wear you out with the intention of gaining as much as he can from the assets you've currently built up and the potential large inheritance.

If you won't divorce for your own sake, do it for your children. Who should not have to live in this toxic environment.

Do not waste time in trying to talk or discuss. Do not offer anything. Just get to the best divorce lawyer and sort out the mess that you and the children are in.

I think you either divorce now, or wait until he divorces you when you're worth more.

It doesn't sound as if there's anything worth saving.

Your daughters anxiety is probably him

You haven't got a marriage and you are mistaken if you think that your children don't already know that.

You need to divorce this man before your father dies, preferably tomorrow.

This.

Children, ime, know everything worth knowing about their parents and their relationship, but some hide it better than others.

You say you are not happy so why are you even staying! Yours kids will,pick up on how unhappy you are

i would go and see a divorce lawyer and see what the options are , get divorced them sort the inheritance out

This with bells on. I think you’ll find your DD improves when you split properly. Does she find it easier when he’s away?

i think you know you have to divorce now OP. Offer to split assets 50/50 based on what you both own currently and then you can agree on 60/40 or 70/30 if you really have to. I really think you’ll regret not getting the ball rolling if you leave it. I would suggest selling the family home rather than trying to keep it so that neither of you have it. In situations I’ve seen the kids actually do better when there’s a physical move to underline the change in situation.

Tell him you won't be getting any inheritance. Not a penny. Everything will be split and put in trusts for your children with the solicitors company as trustees and no access until they are 25.

And you have decided to be a SAHM.

Watch how fast he runs out of the door.

This situation is bizarre - if you want to divorce your husband, you should divorce him.

If you want to be together then accept you’re married and 50% of your assets belong to him.

If he won £20m in the lottery tomorrow, would you accept that it was only his money?

It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage to me, so I reckon you should divorce him. Then he only gets half of the house, more fool him. He’s done this deliberately to trap you. You do realise that, don’t you? I’m so sorry for your situation, but I think divorce and a clean break would be best for you.

Your update makes it pretty clear that you are not happy in this marriage and would be better off emotionally as well as financially if you divorce him. Get the divorce sorted out before the inheritance and then it won't be an issue. It's not mercenary to put your kids' financial future ahead of your emotionally abusive husband.