DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

At the moment you are in a better position. You would be better to divorce your husband now, because there's no inheritance for him to try and claim.

There's zero chance of your husband signing a pre-nup, that ship has well and truly sailed. My guess is that he's quietly waiting until you do inherit and he will suddenly decide he wants a divorce. You will then be absolutely stuffed and he will turn into someone who is competent, shrewd and nasty. Of course he doesn't want you divorcing him now, so he's using your children and emotional blackmail to make sure you don't!!

He's actually sly and manipulative, and definitely someone is knows what he's doing. He wants your money, and is happy to plod on as you are, to achieve it.

@mamato3rascals Please listen to the wise women on here. You are already divorced emotionally. He's just hanging around because it's convenient for him and because he's waiting to hit the jackpot when you inherit. Please call a sollicitor and a therapist (you will need one because it could get ugly and he will try to emotionally blackmail and gaslighting you). Don't say anything until you have got everything planned out. You are in a good position financially so you don't have that stress to deal with- many women don't.

I mean you need serious legal advice here, but my take on it would be-

if you are not happy in the marriage regardless of finances then why don't you just divorce anyway?

If it were such a big deal to you and your family before you married your DH then this should have been sorted out a long time ago. Totally understand he said he would sign it and it is wrong of him to go back on his word, but people do shitty things.

Of course he isn't going to sign anything now if the marriage is like you say it is. He is protecting himself and what he can provide for your children.

I think you are naive to believe you can divorce him and continue the relationship/living together. If I were your DH then I wouldn't accept that as a solution.

That's useful. Not!
And probably inaccurate. If OP does all the childcare and has majority care of the children, then it may well not be a 50:50 split if they divorce.

I’d start divorce on this post alone, regardless of inheritance this is not a good relationship, he is not being a good father/husband and it is not setting a good example of what a healthy share of workload and relationship looks like.

As a bonus, you also sort your financial issues.

You need to divorce asap

Exactly - and those who think you can just swap the sexes without taking into account the system those sexes live in, are either cognitively challenged, wilfully blind, or deeply invested in that system continuing to thrive.

See also all the idiots on the 'male stripper at hen do vs stag do lapdance club' thread.

Knew we'd inevitably get a 'if this post was written by a man' but lo and behold its from a woman who provides everything in the family unit. He hasn't jeopardised any of his earning power for the fAmily and yet expects to be financially compensated as if he has.

Divorce him, but first contact Women's Aid about the emotional abuse. He sounds like the type who will act like a grade A arsehole, emotionally chipping away at you and dragging out the divorce. The sooner you can get him out of the home the better.

Perhaps try to look at this objectively as if you were advising an unhappy adult child.

Depending on jurisdiction, In the short term, your DF needs to bite the bullet and change his will to leave your inheritance in trust. This has costs and, as you say, in some circumstances once a drawing is made then it can become part of the marriage pot (Italy v Germany...) but until the divorce if final then it's better than leaving the estate at the whim of a divorce court judge.

Then as PPs have said, your DH isn't treating you well and you are not behaving financially rationally. Get advice about divorce while you have the money to oay solicitors fees and can support yourself. At it's worse, the current position is the result of deeply cynical decisions from before the marriage by your DH to delay the pre-nup. He may try and drag things out for years so you are trusting to luck by delaying things yourself. His reaction will be interesting but his actions now are indicative.

Good luck

This - including the house and leave you a small monthly payment from said trust. Separate trusts for your 3 kids and personally I’d divorce a man so spineless he can’t have an adult conversation.

Chances are your kids are picking up on all the tension - be brave and make one big decision rather than die slowly by a thousand cuts.

. He makes all those claims to me. I am shook.

I'm saying this gently, but if you're 'shook' that's a good thing. It means you're opening your eyes and seeing reality.

The step after 'seeing' is 'doing'. And what you need to be doing is seeing a solicitor. It doesn't mean you're going to file anything now. It just means you're educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you and how the process works. And possibly how your parents can protect this future inheritance for the time being. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed.

I would leave him. The trust would be gone for me.

it would be interesting to see how he reacted!
But personally I wouldnt tell him anything. Dont get drawn into discussions about the future, just carry on as normal whilst privately planning your exit OP,

... am tormented at her thinking I’m breaking up the family

Better that than have her emulate this relationship, thinking this is normal.

Please divorce him asap. THe DC will adapt - it sounds as though he's not particularly present in their lives anyway. And without the stress he causes you, your DC will be more stable.

I was a child of a father & mother whose relationship deteriorated - although I was a bit older. Living with the constant sense of an argument about to break out is not great for kids; neither is an unengaged father and an anxious stressed mother.

It's not your fault - he sounds like a passive-aggressive monster.

A question for you. I'm not a lawyer but as I understand it, prenups aren't legally binding and post nups are uncommon and aren't either.

If he signs a post nup now, is there not a risk that he will then claim he was forced to do so without the knowledge you intended to leave him? And could then drag out any settlement.

Whereas if you divorce him now, prior to coming into any money, you are more likely to walk away with more. Albeit, if you earn more, you will probably be paying him a settlement, maintenance or both (and possibly part of your pension).

If you want to get divorced, IMO, having been through it myself, you will not end up with everything you want at the end of it. Whether that's custody, money, etc etc. Accept that and you'll be happier for it.

Do not let shock or emotion paralyze you. You don’t really have time to spend hand wringing.

If you don’t take action then you run the very real risk of losing out on any inheritance from your father. His wealth isn’t your inheritance whilst he is still alive, and he can take his own measures to prevent your husband having any claim on it. I’ve seen this type of thing happen before (and seen it come as quite the shock to someone that didn’t know what his parents had privately done).

If you divorce after being left an inheritance you can still keep it if you ring fence it after receiving it.
I’m newly divorced the judge said it was fine for me to keep my inheritance as it was left to me and I hadn’t spent any of it.
My exH was suitably housed after splitting everything else 50:50.
PS I did end up sharing it with him for a number of personal reasons.

@mamato3rascals

I agree with this. Say NOTHING. Go 'stealth'. Your best weapon right now is keeping silent about any plans or thoughts you may have.

Say nothing about divorce, say nothing about any plans re the inheritance. Especially say nothing about seeing a solicitor.

Quietly educate yourself and make your plans. Speak only when you are fully ready to execute them.

File for divorce...this is unreasonable behaviour on his side. He is not engaging with you on an issue which is vitally important to you and your family. Clearly he's only in it for your money. You've given him all the chances and he's sticking two fingers up at you. It's a no brainer.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking here OP.

I will give you an example of my situation though. I divorced a fairly wealthy man 20 years go. He is no longer required to make payment for my (now adult) children, but continues to pay spousal maintenance, until the day I die, or co-habit. it's all quite simple.

I hope that this will give you some guidance as to what might be available.

Good luck.

While you are still married, can your father change his will to benefit either your dcs, or set up a Trust fund?

Can’t your family put things in trust? Trusts aren’t included in divorces.

To be honest, if someone promised me they’d sign something then back tracked, I wouldn’t trust them again. I’d divorce .

What were the reasons for not signing before marriage? I struggle to understand why you'd take his word for it. If you could trust his word surely a formal agreement wouldn't be needed anyway?

It isn’t ridiculous. At all.
I would proceed to divorce as quickly as possible.