DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

But, because there is no agreement yet, and the inheritance is just a promise, if they divorce now she can claim 50% of that house, or whatever equity there is in it.

No. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to cook anything else and can’t be bothered to learn. Anyone can put headphones on and refuse to talk, like pretty much every teenager for the last 60+ years. Refusing to communicate doesn’t equal autism.

Have I read this correctly. You're marriage is not in a good place, on the brink of divorce, but you expect DH to sign a post nup to reduce his entitlement to assets from your end? Why would anybody agree to that?

This.
Having read the scrambled eggs post.. I think he sounds utterly unbearable to live with and the things he is saying to your poor DD are damaging and no doubt leading to her anxiety.

Your DH has been playing the long game, hoping for a jack pot and lying to you all for years.

You are drowning in work and housework and dealing with him.

It seems to me that your Dad who is pressurising you to sort it all out has the resources to help you out. ie helping you with cleaners and perhaps occasional nanny? Its more help than you are getting now and you'd have less stress if you are not dealing with someone with your DH's behavioural issues.
You could have a calmer, happier life

You can afford to be generous in a divorce if it would make co parenting amicable and make your Dad see that this is possibly the easier and cheaper route in the long run, but given your description of his horrible behaviour and the things he says to your DD (get proper advice on this) it doesn't sound as if he could cope with 50 50. Without this major stress in your life you could reassure your DD and make things more calm and organised.

Who cares if DH is sentimental. That's his problem. His behaviour doesn't reflect the rosey past. I think he's sentimental about his long awaited payday.

A solicitor/financial advisor would help you. You don't need to wait for DH to see solicitor. He won't move forward because what he is doing is workign very well for him. Stop talking to him about it. He's not on your side. You decide what works for you and then tell him what is happening.

Present him with your considered documents as advised by professionals and watch how quickly he will contact a solicitor.

OP, he has no intention of signing any paperwork, why would he? He is playing the long game and waiting on your actual inheritance landing. If he tells your DD that Mummy is splitting the family up, you can calmly follow up with 'unfortunately this does happen but what happens is Mummy and Daddy will always love you all, we'll just be living separately'. Don't let him guilt trip you into staying! Your DD will benefit far better from two happier homes and it doesn't sound like finances will be a problem for you.

Lots of people on here who have never been involved in a family business giving very poor advice. Ignore them.
Is the family business a limited company? It should be. Thus some of it would be protected from the divorce. I am in no way an expert in company law.
You need to see a solicitor. You need to understand how the business is set up and the implications of divorce.
Also, if you have money of your own, which has never been in a joint account, that he has never had access to, that could be ring fenced. He may be entitled to half of your joint assets, but will probably get less. Assuming that you keep the kids, you should keep the house. Or is it his house? I didn't understand the bit about not moving house. A solictor can advise.
A talk with the family accountant is also advisable. They too, can advise about how the business can be structured to protect it from divorce. They can also advise regarding estate planning, inheritance tax etc.

You sound a highly empathetic woman. Well done you. Have you heard the saying 'What goes around, comes around'?

I'd divorce straight away before any inheritance. And no way in hell would I leave current assets solely to him. Why would you do that?

Yes, I'd advise the same to a man too.
Money always come before 'love'. You'll find another man, OP, no shortage of them. Just don't marry next time, keep your money separate.

I can see why what he says to your DD gives you pause, OP. But it's probably the biggest reason here to go ahead and divorce him (and you have mentioned MANY reasons you need to do this). Massive red flag. Your kids will realise - probably sooner than you think - that what he says doesn't hold. You are their stable, loving caregiver, and they will totally know that.

Please listen to everyone here and divorce this man ASAP, carefully and with good legal/financial advice and your dad fully onboard. You will regret it from so many different perspectives later if you don't.

Good luck and congratulations on taking the first step towards this.

I've only read your posts OP. What a complete arse this man is. Do you truly think your kids will be 'crushed' if you divorce? Children are amazingly adaptable. You're living separate lives and It sounds like he doesn't give them much at the moment, so perhaps it wouldn't ruin their lives so much. He's setting an awful example by having you do all the housework, life admin, childcare etc while he contributes sod all. I'd get that divorce in order and a strong financial settlement completed, so that he has no claims on any future money or assets coming your way.

What confuses me is that you didn't trust him or the relationship enough to simply marry without any qualifying financial agreement (I'm not judging you for that, just stating that that's how it was), yet you feel the trust involved in "his word" that he would sign such an agreement later is sacrosanct and you clearly judge him for not living up to it.

If you wanted a marriage of full and unqualified trust you should have simply done so.

If you wanted one qualified by a prenup you should have got one. (It's not clear from your OP why you couldn't wait long enough to do this, when it is clearly so important to you).

Now? I'm not sure why it's so important. The sums involved are presumably millions, as you've said they're substantially more than the 900K value of the house. So even if you divorce and he does get 50%, it's hardly going to leave you destitute. You're going to all this trouble and worry over a possible future loss of money you don't need, should your relationship - which you're committed to now - irrevocably break down some time in the future.

You probably need to make the decision now that you should have made before marrying: that you either want a marriage based on unqualified trust or you don't. If you do then forget about the inheritance. If you don't then get divorced.

You need to divorce now. He's manipulating you through your kids. If he tells your daughter that you are separating your family, you tell her in an age appropriate way that daddy will always be her family. You will be living separately because people don't always get on, and it's better to live separately and be happy than together and unhappy. File and follow through. He doesn't add any value to your life.

You are going to divorce regardless. It better to do it now and not lose a shit load of money. Also, I think younger kids are very resilient. I think older kids struggle with divorce more.

@mamato3rascals My very dear friend was in a situation similar to you, she was the higher earner in a very stressful job and dealt with everything for the children and at home. They discussed divorce and he too emotionally blackmailed her through the children. Six months after a family member passed leaving her a very generous inheritance he initiated a separation and then divorce. He went after everything, her inheritance, pension (he had never contributed to one himself claiming he couldn't afford to), joint home, assets, basically everything he could. Despite the emotional blackmail through the children, he refused 50:50 custody opting for every other weekend (and half the time his parents enabled that).

My lovely friend was brought to her knees. He drew things out for as long as he could and made things so difficult through weaponised incompetence. This man who once struggled so much became a shrewd strategist at ensuring he got exactly what he wanted. In short, my friend was caught on the back foot and has paid a high price financially and emotionally. It has brought her to the brink of a breakdown. It has also severely impacted the children because my friend was the competent, stable and steadfast parent, the one that took care of home, school, homework etc. He watched her and the children struggle and never stepped up, claiming that he just wasn't very good at that sort of thing.

Please, for your own sake and that of the children, divorce this man. Be fair with the assets you both own now - do not take into consideration future inheritances, no one knows what the future holds. My friend's child has since been diagnosed with a condition that has required several stays in hospital, meaning that she could no longer work full time. Unsurprisingly this too has fallen on my friend's shoulders as the de facto parent. Protect yourself and your children.

I could literally have written this myself. This is exactly my life (pre divorce, obviously). He makes all those claims to me. I am shook.

If you do proceed with divorce, I'd strongly advise a financial order too, so he can't later claim on your inheritance. This would involve buying him out of the family home, stopping any joint accounts, splitting any other assets.

If you want him to remain in the family home (separate rooms, separate lives) then you could offer for him to be your lodger.

Please let this be your wake up call @mamato3rascals !

You need to pick up the phone NOW and call your solicitor.

You need to do it to protect your children, yourself, and your family business. NOW.

He will not change.

He will never sign a post nup.

He will never be a good father to his children.

He will never be a good husband to you.

Ring the solicitor. NOW.

💐💐💐

Please listen to all of these posters OP. Maybe get yourself a divorce coach who specialises in supporting you through the emotional side of things: dealing with his manipulations and threats and the stress of it all. Believe me it doesn’t get easier and you are more resilient when you are younger. I waited and am going through divorce now. For all kinds of reasons it would’ve been a lot easier ten years ago and I think my children would have more respect for me.

These kind of men eat away at your self esteem and undermine you to your children. It’s harder for them to do that when you don’t live with them as they can see the competent, reliable parent and all that you do behind the scenes.

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Divorce. He is abusive and far from protecting your children you are modelling a really dysfunctional relationship.

I'd see a solicitor urgently and also discuss with your father whether or not he can assist you financially post divorce. It makes sense to negotiate a clean break divorce now so he potentially takes a larger share of the house so you can expedite the divorce and have no further pension or other claim on your assets.

But get out of this "marriage". It sounds like a horrendous way to live for you and your children and your parents must be so anxious about you.

You need to start the process. Your children will already be noticing that you don't eat together, sleep together etc - that's not the idea of a living relationship you want them to have. You can control the narrative. When he says 'mummy is breaking up the family' you reply with ' mummy is doing what she things is best for everyone so we can all be happy'

My DD is 10 now and such a daddy's gir, but since we separated 5 years ago she knows we are both happier and she herself is very happy

The trust only ever loans you money, it never gives. The trust should also hold meetings where the intergenerational nature of this money is documented and confirmed. You need proper advice.

Men tend to react very badly if the female partner out does them in terms of earnings or wealth. They will go all out to sabotage her and take her money from her.

Start the ball rolling on the divorce today.

Grey rock any attempts at manipulation. Maybe draft yourself some stock phrases you can use when he starts up:

"The divorce is going ahead. You'll need to speak to a solicitor about that."

"We'll discuss housing and child arrangements at mediation once we have both spoken to solicitors."

"I've made my decision and it isn't going to change. Speak to your solicitor about any concerns you have."

I would also strongly recommend talking to the children yourself to explain what is happening. Its unlikely you'll be able to do it with him without him upsetting them in an attempt to manipulate you. You can find suggested age appropriate scripts online for what to tell them.

You didn't get the prenup sorted, and you went on with the wedding regardless. You're now paying the price for this. You're married, everything is 50 50. "His word" won't stand up in a court of law.

It's shit, but you really did bring this on yourself.