DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Divorce him before you inherit.

What did you expect? You cannot trust anybody when it comes to money. Did you get married for romantic reasons?
Nobody should ever get married for romantic reasons. Marriage is a legal contract and you need to think right from the start - what so I stand to lose.
I can't ever get married again because I have too much to lose. A partner would have to accept that and be happy just to live with me and if we decided to buy a bigger house together we'd have wills and legal issues and everything sorted out before buying anything.
I'd get divorced if I were you even if you continue living with him as he clearly plans to take half of your inheritance.

If you really wanted/needed a pre nup, you should have made sure it was done before marriage. Whatever the reasons or excuses are for not, you’ve cocked up.

and I say that as someone who signed a prenup a month before we got married, 2 months after my DM died.

Surely he can’t gain assets you haven’t actually had if you divorce now? That’s like me applying for divorce and insisting on half my Hs likely inheritance of £250k when my FIL is very much alive still - I may be wrong but I would have thought if you divorce now and don’t have a controlling interest in the business or your parents assets that they can’t be counted? If that is indeed the case- divorce now

The other issue here is the £900K house is fact, they have that, that's what she and DH has.

The inheritance is smoke and mirrors, there is no way of knowing if the family business will survive say an economic downturn, or if her dad will live a long time and need significant care, or if like has impacted farmers the goalposts on tax are changed. It's a promise, but it may not come true. So this Post Nup would in effect make the OP reliant on something that the best will in the world cannot guarantee.

Also, it’s not the pre/post nups are only valid for 5 years. But it recommended that they are amended or confirmed every 5 years (or on the birth of a child)

DH and I have been married 9 years this year and have had 2 children since our pre nup, but we’ve never altered ours as we agreed on all details including children prior to the wedding (maintenance, school fees, etc)

This is truly horrendous reading. To me he sounds like an undiagnosed autistic man who has has a breakdown. I dont think this will get any better and yes you should finish the marriage for your mental health and that if the children's. You have the means to leave and be a single parent at peace. Get legal advice and start the ball rolling. Stop going into his office and trying to talk to him he cannot cope with it. He is totally overwhelmed. Separate fairly try and keep the kids so they have more time with you and he can't cope with parenting them.

Divorce him now - this has little to do with inheritance and everything to do with the fact your relationship is over.
Divorce now before you inherit the family business. Get good advice from a good lawyer and split marital assets fairly. He will need to be able to house the children well, presumably he’ll want 50/50
split.

Stop being controlled by him.
Let him say what he wants, but keep careful notes as that is coercive control an parental alienation.

Focus on what you can control, your future free of him.

The marriage is over.
Start proceedings.

Ask your family for support.

‘The other issue here is the £900K house is fact, they have that, that's what she and DH has.
The inheritance is smoke and mirrors, there is no way of knowing if the family business will survive say an economic downturn, or if her dad will live a long time and need significant care, or if like has impacted farmers the goalposts on tax are changed.’

this. At the moment you have just what you own together to count, house, pensions, savings. What either of you may or may not have in a few years time is neither here nor there.

Is there some kind of cultural thing at play here OP ? Because it does sound rather like an arranged marriage where he is playing the long game of grabbing assets without wanting any personal or family involvement - if there isn’t I can’t understand why you haven’t gone straight to divorce as it doesn’t sound like you remotely like each other

Have you managed to discuss this scenario with your DH as well? Or is he stonewalling on everything? The arrangement would need to work for him too, or at the very least he would need also to get wholeheartedly behind the idea that it's best for the children. And that's if it is best for the children. If they are living in a festering pit of resentment that wouldn't work for them either.
This sounds like quite a mess. Have you tried couples counselling?

Good grief. Get a good family lawyer ASAP. You are in a very weak position financially and trust me, he will also go for 50/50 custody, and you may have to pay him spousal and child maintenance.

Forget the post nup. Is never going to happen. Quietly work out how you get yourself in a much better position both with the kids and finances.

What were the "number of reasons" the pre nup wasn't done?
If your DH didn't want it pre nup,im not surprised he wont do it post nup tbh.

You tell your daughter that yes you want to leave him and break up the family because it is not a good daily relationship and that no woman has to put up with living with someone who doesn't like them or spend any time with them. And that she will still be able to see her mummy and her daddy and that both of you love her, you just don't love each other anymore.

And then you wait for her to grow up and for him to let her down as well and comfort her through that experience and have shown by example that this is not something that she has to take responsibility for.

No.

Divorce divorce divorce! One thing if he was a good husband and dad but he is a waste of man! Honestly you and the children will be better off.

Look from a purely unemotional perspective you need to divorce him to cut off the issue before any inheritance etc occurs. It’s a dreadful, miserable relationship in any case. Nothing about your life sounds desirable.

The £900k house may need to be written off - OP needs to take some personal responsibility here for not sorting this out from the outset, that was always going to have legal consequences. Hence why any move would be stemming future impact as opposed to the existing impact that has already been caused.

You’re both on the brink of divorce and you think he will sign a document that negatively affects his outcome?! Am I reading this correctly?!

How on earth do you get undiagnosed autistic man who has had a breakdown from that? Not just selfish man or arsehole or controlling man who hates being a parent?

@mamato3rascals Get divorced now. You don’t have a marriage worth saving. You don’t have a relationship with him. The children will be okay.

or if like has impacted farmers the goalposts on tax are changed.

They have, family firms are no longer exempt from IHT.

To an outsider this relationship sounds dead in the water frankly. I cannot imagine your DCs are happy growing up in this atmosphere.

Agree with all the PPs, get a good divorce lawyer and take it from there. You obviously feel divorce is inevitable or why else would you be so keen to protect this inheritance?

He definitely sounds autistic though imo. Eating scrambled eggs for dinner every single night for one thing. But also the refusal to talk and putting the headphones on.
anyway I was only going to mention I think he sounds neurodiverse as you mention your DD is anxious. Anxiety is really common with neurodiversity and is often missed in girls. I just wanted to raise it in case your DD shows any other signs.

I think this is a sensible answer.

No one on this thread can solve your dilemma, you do need legal and financial advice.

You've said you are thinking of divorce and still living together... because otherwise the kids would be crushed, why do you think that you both could not set up a reasonable and kind co - parenting arrangement.. so that they are not crushed. He might resent missing out on the jack pot.. but I'm assuming you'd have enough to provide for the DC. You've dismissed this but surely its worth considering after taking advice. It sounds like you have the resources to make it happen. What does your Dad think?

It stands out to me that he's been playing a long game or he would have agreed to a pre nup, but if I'd been your Dad (who seems very concerned about this and is probably putting pressure on you) I would have taken on the role of asking him to sign before the wedding so you didn't have to.

A 900k house is quite a fair settlement and would allow him to keep seeing the DC.

But no one on this thread can solve your dilemma, you do need legal and financial advice. As a non expert casual observer, I'd say that it stands out to me given your current feelings and assuming his ongoing lies about co operating on this head, that you need to divorce before you inherit to separate financially, but how he would react to that, only you can predict.

Why stay with someone you distrust... when you are already having what sounds like major problems.

Your anxiety is coming across loud and clear and if you settled this issue it would probably be much better for your DD who is probably picking up on it. I think you might need some therapy to help you deal with the stress that has been building up long term and to get some strategies for helping your DD. Again, as a non expert casual observer my advice would be to sort it out and move on without all this stress.

I would bet a very great deal that your daughter's anxiety will improve if you divorce and she's not living in a house full of tension. I think a lot of your lives would improve with divorce to be honest.