DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

They never are fully reversed though, because we all know it's the woman who'll end up with the kids and the financial burden that goes along with that, despite having the usual challenges of juggling a career with motherhood that men don't have. As will be the case here.

I don’t really see why you wouldn’t divorce him. You’re the breadwinner so you don’t rely on him financially. He’s treating you like shit and you say things have been bad for a while. The post-nup issue is a red herring really, what is your reason to stay?

If you divorce him now, the main issue is solved as he has no claim to your future inheritance. And he’d likely not get as generous a settlement as you’re proposing in your post-nup (he wouldn’t get the whole house, for example).

Divorce him now and get a financial order that cuts things so he cannot come back later for your money. The financial needs to be robust so get a shit hot lawyer but do this quickly, procrastinating in this situation will only allow more time for him to get this money

Well, your husband is a cunning bastard.
Hopefully, you can protect your assets with the help of a good solicitor.
(I have money and assets in another country, there is no way my husband could claim a stake on these).

This!
Your main reason for not divorcing now seems to be due to how your eldest will react. Honestly, she's already suffering harm from the narrative your husband is feeding to her and the hostile atmosphere in the house. The best thing you can do for your child is to act now and divorce and lead a happier life. Get some counselling for your daughter, and talk to her to help her better understand the situation.
Do it now before your youngest two are also badly affected.

It sounds like the business is still owned by your father currently.

I would be divorcing this man ASAP while there is less to split, he is shooting himself in the foot, if you divorce now there is very little chance he gets the whole house. So I would be leaving him ASAP so that the inheritance isn't a factor.

Fair play to the DH. I hope he takes you to the cleaners!

If it was the man in this marriage who wanted the pre/post nup to protect his current and future assets he would be rightly severely criticised.
In a marriage everything is jointly owned, as it should be. A marriage is a partnership. If you didn’t want to share your assets, current or future, with your partner you shouldn’t have married him.

I think divorce is the only option, but do it as quickly as you can, in case you inherit sooner than expected.

And also this ^

OP, inheritance aside, you need to divorce.

His behaviour is horrible, and no wonder your Dd is worried about everything, her Daddy has told her she lives on a leaky ship 😢. It was totally unacceptable of him to use a child like that. But doubtless she sees and feels the tension, the lack of love holding her parents together.

You can’t go on living like this.

Get the divorce done and dusted before something happens to your Dad.

Divorce now, but say you’ll carry on the relationship if he wants to work through it. But if he won’t agree to your very generous post-nup you need to separate financial ties from him.

This. The family home and joint assets are just that, shared assets between you and your husband.

Other inheritance due from a family member eg your father can be tweaked by amendments to existing wills, setting up family trusts by bypassing parents in favour of children or other ways I am sure your fathers tax planners can advise him on.

It is possible to put the family business and any inheritance into trust and you can be one of the trustees. You cant be the sole trustee if you are a beneficiary. Or part of the business/ inheritance could be in trust for the children and you could be the sole trustee of their trust.

But your marriage is dead, you might as well divorce if you want more flexibility.

I’m never normal ally a “LTB” poster but I’ll make an exception.

You don’t like each other
Out of the 5 people in your house, at least 3 are miserable
Your elder dd in particular needs a stable and happy home and the pair of you together are providing, as a pp so nicely put it “a leaky ship” - you would be anxious too as the big sister.
Having to split your whacking big inheritance with a bloke who hates your guts is secondary to making your kids live under this tense bickering.
Inheritance aside, you can afford to live separately and will be happier for it

did you miss the part where he gets a £900k house?

OMG just divorce the guy, it's obvious you don't even like each other any more.

Why?

Haven’t RTFT, but given your post at 22.29 last night, he’s a ghastly man, get shot of him ASAP. Don’t “divorce but continue living together”, he adds nothing to your or your children’s lives. I think you & the DC will feel a lot happier when he’s not in the same house as you.

It isn't the man though. The OP is not only the household breadwinner, she's also the one who'll end up with the children (probably fulltime) and all the responsibility of juggling that with work. Meanwhile the husband in this scenario gets a £900K house despite bringing nothing to the relationship. It's a false equivalence.

Get some proper legal advice and stop listening to randoms on the internet

Does he get a £900K house though, or is it on the never never, he might end up with massive mortgage payments and a lot less than £900K in equity.

Does he though? OP doesn't say if its owned outright or on a mortgage, if liquidated what does he get?

I think your are BU because you chose to marry him knowing that if you divorced he would be entitled to a share of the family assets, and now years down the line you expect him to sign away his rights. I also think you’re BU because you don’t seem to have a loving marriage so why are you still together?
Imagine if the tables were turned and a man was trying to get his wife to sign away her financial rights? It’s akin to financial abuse.

People are saying in a reverse the op would be ripped to shreds I don’t think thst is true. In a reverse:
*the husband wants to protect his family business and ensure his children inherit but is ensuring his wife will fully inherit the family home including his share
*The husband who is the main breadwinner, also gets up early at the weekend to take the dc out on trips while the wife has a lie in
*He sorts all childcare and does all children related cooking and housework while the wife shuts herself away listening to music
*the wife meanwhile refuses to take holiday time to assist with childcare, refuses to communicate and doesn’t clean up after herself let alone contrbute to the household. the wife in a reverse is also emotionally manipulating their dc against their spouse.

The OPs focus on protecting her inheritance is a bit of a red flag, but possibly if the husband was acting as a partner in the marriage it wouldn’t be such a priority to protect it. I don’t think in a reverse they man would be ripped to shreds at all, he would be seen as an amazing father.

She said there’s a small mortgage.