DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

I am in a similar position to you OP in terms of having family assets to inherit one day, but honestly that issue is irrelevant here, in your circumstances.

Your marriage sounds like absolute hell for you and will seriously damage your children if they continue to be exposed to the current dynamic. Start divorce proceedings, split the current assets fairly, establish a stable happy home and parenting arrangement for your kids. All of those things are possible, albeit hard work and seemingly far off right now. But at least they are achievable. Trying to agree on legal documents or worrying about future asset arrangements, on the other hand, is pointless based on the current lack of trust, respect and love between you and your ‘D’H.

I did read all the ops posts but not the full thread of answers. My reading of it is that the op hasn't fully committed to the marriage, and her husband is struggling with this reality which has many knock on effects for his attitude too. So she has two choices. Fully commit and accept that she doesnt have a controlling financial interest (a good chance that this will improve the marriagefor both of them). Or divorce now. They have 3 children and a home so my opinion, as the marriage is not abusive, is to double down and make it work.

I don’t blame him really. If this were the other way round and you were posting as a man you would be torn to shreds. I’m not sure where you stand legally if it’s even possible to write your husband out of any future inheritance? Why didn’t you make it a priority to sort before you married?

Oh no OP this got worse and worse as I read on. Go now, the more it drags on the worse the example you are setting for your kids accepting (or at least being seen yo accept) his shitty behaviour. The kids will find it hard ay first but honestly for such a short time. They will see a happier less stressed mummy and will respond positively to that energy? If he starts with mummy wants us to split up etc then I'd just say - sometimes grown ups can't agree. Mummy doesn't want pur family to be broken up but mummy wants us all to be happier, and so this is what is happening. And reassure them about everyone loving them etc. He's a worm. Minimise his impact on your life. Good luck!

Surely your dad just rewrites his will leaving everything to his grandchildren not you?

This is a good idea, but the op wants to retain a controlling financial interest, so may also not be a suitable solution for her.

Are you in the UK? My understanding is that prenups are not legally binding and post nups aren't either.

If you think divorce is inevitable, I'd start it now.

I'm unclear from your post if you have already inherited the money you believe you will or if it's soon. I would start proceedings before that inheritance if you can.

But long long before I got divorced, I remembered a comment Chris Evans made when talking about a famous couple. I am paraphrasing from memory so I might have this wrong.

"He likes money and will have less after the divorce. She likes fame and will have less after the divorce. The sooner they realise that they will both have less of what they want, the better and quicker they will move on."

It is likely that you will have to pay him some money and, possibly, ongoing maintenance if you earn significantly more. But that's what marriage is and what dissolving it means. Having been through divorce, and been the one to initiate it, you also have no right to demand anything in terms of living arrangements etc nor how your partner will react. That's up to them. We did try counselling first which helped keep things amicable as the horrible stuff was all aired and out of the way. We weren't trying to get back at each other.

Good luck for the future but to my mind you will lose some of your wealth and, if things were the other way round (i.e. he was the high earner likely to come into money) people would probably see that as fair.

Sorry, I’d be pretty pissed off if Dh got a significant inheritance and didn’t want to share it with me. We are a team.

I got a not insignificant inheritance (£250k) and it went right into our house. We both look to inherit maybe close to £1mil between us. Would never occur to me to ring fence that. Because I chose to join our legal and financial futures in marriage.

I think the time to have thought about this was before marriage and then to have not married. I would be pretty hurt if Dh told me he didn’t trust me with his inheritance and even more so if his whole family didn’t. We ARE family now.

I think this ship has sailed for everyone. If you don’t want to be married though, don’t be. But don’t be scrappling over inheritance.

Your DH is damaging your DD because he wants to keep the current cozy/protected for him status quo.

He’s extremely selfish and he’s putting his needs above psychologically damaging your DD. It’s a form of blackmail directed at you. Can’t you see that?

Get divorced and do not live with him. Free yourself from him because this will get worse and worse, and then it will be even harder to do it and more damage will be done.

I’m sorry to say this, but I bet he saw you and your inheritance coming and made sure he married you for a secure future. It’s not uncommon and a tale as old as time.

This is the solution. No need for your DH to be required to do anything.

You think? If the wife did no childcare, cooked her own dinner - sod the rest of the family - and didn’t clean up after her? Did her own laundry ignoring the rest of the family’s laundry? Refused to take any time off with the kids over the summer? Would she be torn to shreds?

This isn’t a marriage. The man is a massive prick who is taking the piss.

OP's husband is not on her team though. He sleeps in a separate bedroom, lives a separate life from her and the kids and contributes fuck all.

Sorry, but you'd be mad not to divorce ASAP. Your Dad could use trusts to protect your and your kids interests, but he has to live seven years and they are complicated. That said, he should probably be talking to a wealth planner and doing this anyway so that all tax issues are considered. Divorce doesn't have to mean 'be gone forever'. You have kids together so he still needs to step up and parent. If he doesn't, even less reason to stay with him. Unless you're in London, his half of the marital home will get him somewhere totally fine to live outright, so he's still quids in from your marriage. Of course he's sentimental about the family home, who wouldn't want to sit up in a pad worth nearly a million... But this is all to your detriment and you need to stop it ASAP. I throw in two thoughts that might or might not have relevance. Do you have siblings? If so, and I was your dad, I might be thinking of cutting you out of the business inheritance unless you lose him to protect everyone else involved. And secondly... Your daughter may end up. Less anxious when her home life is less toxic? I know in America they have a 'financial separation' that you can do pre divorce if proceedings are likely to be long winded... I don't know if they have it here?

It sounds like you were never committed to marriage, why did you marry?
The trust idea is not perfect for you but it is broadly what you want, that he has no access and presumably little input into financial decisions which affect both of you and your children’s lives. Who is going to inherit this after you are gone? Your children? Can you not sign it over to them?

I’m not sure if you divorced that you would really support him to live in the family house.

Give up /reduce your job if it’s so stressful and pay off the mortgage with some inheritance or sell the rental property.

Put your life, marriage and kids before money.

You seem to want everything in your favour. Maybe you shouldn't have got married in the first place.

Did you read them properly? They live separate lives and he leaves mess for OP to clear up.
He's not a husband and she needs to a) get rid and b) get some self respect/confidence before her next relationship.

After that amount of time your prenup is worthless

I agree with PPs who say that if the sexes were reversed in this post you’d get your arse handed to you on a plate.

I would assume with his business your Father already has a Financial Advisor?
That FA should know a shit hot solicitor who can tie up trusts and make the business work in a way that H cant have any part of it.

My DH is a FA - my parents have few assets, nothing like you are talking about. But between him and his favoured solicitor everything is tied up so my sisters ex husband (who both are refusing to divorce each other) cant get his hands on anything.

After that, think very carefully what you want for your future. I dislike all the MN ducks in a row as we dont know the ins and outs of your marriage. What you have said here sounds awful. But I can say awful things about my DH too if im riled up enough.

Only you can decide. But your family need to protect their assets and that can be done without divorce if thats what you decide

Good luck

A prenup post nup like that is not valid or legal in the UK as a married couple are one legal entity for finance.

Your family with assets need to put the assets they will pass to you through inheritance into a blood line trust for you. A blood line trust is a legal entity in itself and what's in their can't be taken by any spouse in a marriage. It's your family with the assets that need to protect you not your husband.

Your family with the assets will need legal help to set up the blood line trusts to protect you from claims from anyone else or your husband.

Why not just divorce him he will get half the house and you keep the inheritance

Look. Your marriage is horrific. A total sham. He is only sticking in until your parents die and then he will take half of your inheritance.

Split now, bite the bullet with your children - which you will have to do anyway after your parents die and DH takes his half - and protect your parents money. BEFORE they die.

If you don't, I'm afraid you only have yourself to blame.

Divorce. Now. This is miserable for all of you.

It sounds like he's expecting to separate so just waiting it out in the knowledge that he'll get half your inheritance when you then (inevitably) divorce. He's not putting any effort into the marriage whatsoever. You may as well divorce him now before you inherit. I don't know how inheritance law works in the UK - can he still claim even if you inherit after divorcing?

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like your life at home is horrendous. It's particularly awful that your husband told your daughter it's you that wants to break up the family. Do your kids even like their Dad though? Sounds like he doesn't spend anytime with them, would they even care about not living with him full-time?

Have you had a conversation with your husband re how you would split childcare if you were to get divorced? Like would he want 50/50 or would he be happy to have them every other weekend and you have them the rest of the time? This would be the deal-breaker for me - I wouldn't want to be without my children 50% of the time, but could live with missing every other weekend with them and a bit more in school holidays if it meant getting rid of a husband like yours!

Is your husband depressed/an alcoholic or anything like that that is causing him to behave so poorly? Is that something that could be addressed and that could lead to a positive change in his behaviour and make him more bearable to live with again?

Have you spoken to him about where you stand as a couple? Like have you acknowledged the fact that it doesn't seem like either of you love each other anymore and you don't share a room (presume that means you're no longer intimate) and you don't even chat when he's away for 2 weeks? Is there a chance he's having an affair and he's hoping to avoid the post-nup until after you inherit so he can rinse you as much as possible before he leaves you to start a new life with someone else?!

His behaviour re refusing to engage with the conversation at all is absolutely pathetic and childish. I'd give him one last chance to arrange a suitable time to have a discussion about all this and if he refuses to agree a time, start divorce proceedings and go for full custody of your children.

I don't understand if he currently owns the family home as you mention he solely pays the mortgage, but I'd suggest a 50/50 split on that property as it's a marital asset and even though he's paid the mortgage you're footing the bill for everything else, so why not - he's not upheld his word, you don't need to uphold yours, and why should you be the one to move out of the family home when it sounds like you're the only one doing anything for the family.

Just divorce OP, that's the only way you'll get your inheritance without him being entitled to any.