AIBU to worry my daughter is getting engaged too soon?

[MidnightScrolls]

Dd 22 has just told me she is engaged. I really want to be happy for her but I can't help but think it is too soon and perhaps not best for her at the moment.

She has just graduated last year with a first class economics degree from a very prestigious university but, given the current market, has really struggled to find a job and is still living at home. She is incredibly hard working and has made every effort to send in job applications but hasn't found anything yet and I think is starting to feel very discouraged.

She has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and, while he is slightly quiet around us, they seem to have a really lovely relationship and are very happy together.

That said, I just can't help but think that getting married may be a panic response to feeling like she doesn't have a purpose and that if she does, she may regret it later on. She has always expressed how important a career of her own is to her and I am concerned that getting married so young may take away from that. I am also unsure of the finances of her getting married and moving out.

I haven't voiced any of these concerns to her as I don't know if it is my place anymore and I always want her to feel supported especially in such important life decisions.

Does anyone have any thoughts or any similar experiences?

Lunch and discussions what next plans are

It is quite young to be getting married, of course, but engaged isn’t married. I expect there’ll be at least a year before they get married, if not longer, and with any luck, she’ll be more established by then.
All you can do is celebrate with her and try not to show her you have these feelings. It won’t go well for you!

What the OP wants is irrelevant. Her daughter is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.

I saw her fiance is on CS fast stream - is this the one where he has to move every year through the program?
I would suggest you are very positive when you talk to her - but suggest that they wait until he has finished the fast stream and has his permanent job before they tie the knot.
Would also suggest you encourage her to live with him - if they are engaged he should be supporting her (not in a mysogynist way - if she was working and he wasn't then she should be supporting him) - that's what marriage is - also good to check they are still compatable when it comes to splitting housework, budgeting and putting each other first.

Yes, moving departments but not necessarily moving locations, he is hoping to stay in London!

Definitely agree on the living together point, they have been long distance throughout most of their relationship which is another concern I had about going straight in to getting married.

I doing have confidence that he would support her, as she would support him if she were the one who had a job, so this is something I think I will gently suggest alongside lots of congratulations

I'm Civil Service and my understanding is they move you all over the country in the fast stream - might be different on certain streams I guess.
Definitely be positive - if she changes her mind she won't want to hear 'I told you so' if you let her know you have concerns

Yes 😊 we are still happily married. Marrying early isn't too unusual in my religion (LDS)

Not her choice is it? It's her daughters life.

London would be a better place to find a job even if it's not a high flying one. You seem a bit vague about whether they plan to move in together. Like others I think getting engaged isn't getting married. She could move down to London and live with him while applying for jobs there. I'd just be happy and supportive for now and see where it goes.

Married early too, I was on the CS fast stream myself. It made it easy for my husband to accompany me and I supported him while he did an online graduate degree. That’s what you do when the economy is bad, you partner up and consider getting more education or civil service or both.

There is no need for a long engagement or saving for a wedding either.
weddings are a waste of money when the economy is tight and the longer the engagement the more likely one or the other will cheat.

I very much do not think the length of the engagement is any indication of the likelihood of cheating, neither my daughter nor her partner are the type of people who would do that

The longer the engagement the more likely they are to cheat???
A quick marriage means they won't cheat????
If they are likely to cheat they shouldn't be getting married at all - they should be splitting up!

I was only reporting on averages.
Then why the long engagement? After two years you should know if you want marriage or not. There is no reason to wait. Marriage has no impact on career for a woman.

It is not marriage itself which I think may impact her career, it is getting marries and being tied to a specific person and location before she has found stability in her own career. I have never and would never suggest that married women cannot be just as successful as their male counterparts.

According to the poster Zov at 21:52 it lasted 77 years. 😉

There is no right order to do things. Having a stable career before marriage doesn’t increase your chances of wealth or a happy marriage. And if he is civil service, she won’t be tied to a single place. There will also be lots of help to find her a job as the wife of a CS wherever they get sent. She can build an impressive CV that way.

So she’s an adult, has been with somebody a couple of years, has finished her degree and you think it’s worryingly early?

..Really?

For what it’s worth all my friends who put off the marriage/settling stuff to their late 20s regretted it - the good men get snapped up surprisingly early. Most of them are still single and the ones that aren’t are with manchildren or struggling to conceive.

What kind of career help is it that she may be able to get?

Maybe. But what can you do? Its her journey to go on.

And honestly a lot of marriages end in divorce anyway.
At least shes in love and he seems like a decent lad.
Shes got her degree. She will be pretty much fine whatever happens.
Even if the marriage doesn't last, if thats the worst mistake she ever makes in her life she will have lived a very charmed life

We were engaged at 22, we’ve been very happily married for more than 25 years.

I’ve had a great career.

My cousin was engaged at 18, they have been very happily married for more than 20 years. She’s also had a great career.

I know there are legitimate arguments for waiting until you are a bit more “grown up” before getting married but to be honest the couples I know who are divorced or unhappy all got married in their 30s so being older doesn't guarantee a successful marriage.

She’s an adult so unfortunately you have no say in the matter and will possibly push her away if you share your negative opinions with her.

But what if he is the right guy?

I met my husband when I was 19 although did wait and we got married at 29. 45 now.

Partners of current civil servants usually get a preference for jobs they are eligible to apply for under any of these programs:
https://www.civil-service-careers.gov.uk/gfie-pathways/

under a local hire exception. Ie your DD’s bloke is posted to Cyprus or Singapore. Much cheaper to hire locally than to ship another Brit out. So she gets a leg up for joining CS herself.

I do have thoughts on this, and those thoughts are that she is a grown woman and perfectly capable of making her own life choices. You sound quite overbearing to me.

In one way I agree until it all goes wrong and it is 'mum and or dad i have to move back home and live with you with all my children' so who has to pick up the pieces time and time again when there are red flags people deliberately choose to ignore and blindly go into things with blinkers on