AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Lol, your projection is absolutely wild 😅

So anyway, as I'm right and we have nothing else to discuss, and you're entitled to your opinion however deliberately obtuse, there's nothing more to say.

K, bye.

How is he being ‘paired’ with her, presumably he isn’t obliged to shag her?

I think a lot of MNers are sex/relationship-obsessed and so every social activity has to be framed through the lens of sex and relationships. They can't imagine that there are other reasons to be invited to a dinner party.

How is it disrespectful to attend his friends dinner party? Would you think it's disrespectful for a woman to attend a friends dinner party when her husband didn't like the friend? How strangw

Exactly. Three other couples = six people. Plus the host, plus the OP's DH, plus the other woman attending on her own = 3 people. Therefore one third of this dinner party's attendees are not attending as part of a couple. Which seems like an entirely ordinary state of affairs.

I have attended dinner parties as the 'spare' woman when my husband was ill, and there's been one other man there, it wasn't too awkward, but I wouldn't want to do it very often, coupled up events tend to be pretty awful if you are not in a couple as every time you talk to the couple, it doesn't quite work in terms of the dynamic and if you talk to the man on their own it looks like you are flirting when you are not! All in all, I don't think the situation is intrinsically worrying, but I'd ask your husband do you really want to go to these events? And why is your friend asking couples primarily and then just two others- why not add a third person just to change up the dynamic? Otherwise it's socially awkward, not that the husband will fall on the single woman.

It sounds difficult and that the ex-husband is using your husband a bit to shore up his new life, and I think it's ok to point this out and say it feels weird to you, just ask your husband to think it through and decide together as a couple how to handle this going forward.

Wrong person!

kthnxbye 😉

It is honestly bizarre and I have never met anyone like this in real life.

It sounds like the husband and friend want to stay friends regardless of the wife’s moral judgement.

By behaving like she is, she is showing she doesn’t trust him. Not a happy marriage. I wouldn’t want to live in that environment.

He is presumably capable of having some self control so if he wants to be faithful then he will be.

If he wants to fuck someone else, he will.

So yeah, your husband and his bff are both disrespectful creeps. You should stop being a doormat.

Oh good, no need to hear from you again then as that would just be you goading and trolling :)

I tell you what though - I give you my permission to have the last word as you desperately want it. You have my permission to keep replying, but, obviously as I have nothing to say to you, I won't be responding.

K. Bye :)

No, OP clarified that the friend is part of one of the 3 couples so the only non couple people are DH and the female.

But so what, though? I mean, do people really think in these terms? If my dining table seats ten in comfort, I will just think of who I want to have, regardless of their relationship status.

Where should we all put our car keys?

Paired as in to make up another couple at the table, as the only single attendees in the small party, so paired by default? I assume they'll be seated next to each other.
I wasn't envisaging any obligatory shagging but dinner parties are not my area of expertise so I'll bow to superior wisdom on that.

You clearly know a lot about their individual lives.

Or you are massively projecting and have bought into this bollocks that men are incapable of controlling themselves and that the happiest married man will fuck the nearest woman.

The way he left his marriage is irrelevant to a bunch of strangers. Even if men leave when there is nobody else involved, everyone on MN assumes they were fucking someone else anyway.

The husband has every right to stay friends with the man. If my friend had an affair, I would not turn my back because they are still my friend.

OP doesn’t have to stay with him. And given the amount of trust, perhaps it’s time to rethink the relationship, for the sake of both parties.

Yes but you aren’t a man with history of affairs, a dislike towards OP and questionable morals. Its good to look outside your own experience occasionally which too many on this thread taste struggling to consider

So sat together. Hardly ‘paired up’. Anything other than sitting together is his responsibility.

Replying to @LughLongArm

Was that to me?

Why do you think the man dislikes the OP? Could it be because she has made her judgement of him clear? 🤔

Affairs aren’t clear cut. In any case it’s between him and his ex wife.

OP is of course entitled not to like him but she doesn’t get to dictate what her husband does, just what she does.

Agree with this, this is why you need to be careful when reacting to changes in other people's relationships, however much you may disapprove. Especially when the person is likely to remain close to your partner - you see it sooooo often on here with BILs. Wife takes the ex's side, forgetting BIL is the one who will actually remain as part of the family and then it's awkward when it comes to introducing his new partner etc. Best to just keep out of it.

You have made your feelings about him clear so why would he invite you to anything going forward?

I do agree I'd turn this invitation down though if I were your husband, given it's mainly couples. But I think you need to accept this man won't invite you to anything again.

She said the host was part of one of the 3 couples though. If he isn't, then yes it isn't the same.

If your best friend had an affair that ended her marriage, would you stop meeting up with her, cut her off completely?

Even if you would do that, your husband decided he wouldn’t. I think you have to accept his decision and trust that, no matter how many single women are at events he goes to, he is not a cheat.

Having made the guy aware that you dislike him, you can’t be surprised he doesn’t invite you. He might even be trying to get back at you or rid of you by attempting to put temptation in your husband’s way. But it really comes down to whether you trust him or not. If you don’t, you must realise he could cheat any time not just when he is with his friend.

OP has three options.

1 Decide it’s a dealbreaker for him to attend, and leave the relationship:

2 Decide that he’s an adult who isn’t to be controlled and that if she’s secure in her marriage then it shouldn’t be an issue

3 Kick off/ban him from going so he feels resentful that he’s being treated like that.

How successful do you think option 3 would be?

You never really know what is going on in a marriage. I wouldn’t ditch a friend because she had an affair. I’m friends with her, not married to her.

I think the moral judgement on Mumsnet is strong. You can choose not to be friends with him. But as you have see it now has an impact on being able to socialise with one of your DH’s friends.

I think he should have invited you to be honest. Then you can choose to decline if you still don’t want to see him. But your DH is free to go and you must trust him otherwise you wouldn’t be married? . Also think the single woman is for the friend?

So you are going to need to accept this situation is a consequence of your judgement. Which is fair enough. It’s fine to take a moral stance but it will have an impact on your social life.